Grunkle Stan quotes from Gravity Falls

Stan

Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is… I'm going to have to cut your pay.

[Puts hand on Stan's face.]

Stan

What are you doing?

[Breathes eerily]

Stan

Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work.

[Continues breathing creepily]

Stan

Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again!

Dipper

So wait...You actually believe my theory?

Grunkle Stan

You're darn right I do. And we're gonna get to the bottom of it...Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat.

Grunkle Stan

It's APOCA-LICIOUS!

Dipper

All right, it took all day, but I converted it to a record. And now we can slow it down to see if the mind-control message theory is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown.

Stan

Spit-take, here I come. [sips Pitt Cola]

Stan

Hmm... that's not spit worthy. What gives?

Dipper

What? Is that it? [fiddles with the speed] Ugh, This was so stupid! Course there's no hidden mind-control messages. Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song. She just likes Robbie.

Wendy

[entering with Robbie] Hey, Dip. Forgot my keys.

Robbie

What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you? [laughs]

Wendy

Ready to go to Lookout Point?

Robbie

Heh, am I. [leaving with her] Later, dorks. Catch ya on the rewind. [chuckles] I made that up.

Stan

I'll rewind your FACE!

Dipper

Wait a minute. Stan, rewind!

Stan

[spits soda into Dipper's face] Holy mackerel! Now there's your spit-take!

Dipper

Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all! Oh no! I've got to save Wendy!

Stan

Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll!

Robbie

[after Wendy breaks up with him] Oh, man.

Stan

Look, if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold. You've been buying gold, right?

Stan

Women. They're the real mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy".

Dipper

No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now.

Stan

Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car.

Dipper

You think she'll ever forgive me?

Stan

Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me.

Dipper

Thanks, Grunkle Stan.

Stan

Don't mention it, kid. [gnawing is heard from outside] Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash? [cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom] Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men. Always eating out of my trash. Wait, what?

Mabel

Go, go. Chew that pant leg.

Stan

All right, that tears it. Outside, now.

Mabel

Grunkle Stan, no. You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators. And barbecuers.

Stan

That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious.

Mabel

He should be inside like a person.

Stan

People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos.

Mabel

And we're the lesser for it.

Mabel

Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles.

Stan

He's a fat, naked jerk.

Mabel

Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen? Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him outside?

Stan

What? No, I didn't put him anywhere. I'm not acting suspicious. You're acting suspicious! What's a pig?!

Stan

I should have put that pig outside ages ago.

Mabel

Wait, what did you just say?

Stan

Hm? What's that?

Mabel

You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. [gasps]

Stan

No! Wait, uh, if you think about it-

Mabel

You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD!

Stan

Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside.

Mabel

No, that's it. Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again.

Stan

Look, you can't be serious.

Mabel

Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them.

Stan

Kid.

Mabel

[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle] La la la la la! I can't hear anyone. No one's talking to me.

Grunkle Stan

Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever that is.

Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel.

Stan

Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got.

Soos

Right away, Mr. Pines.

Stan

Soos? What are you doing here?

Soos

Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?

Stan

You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was!

Soos

Hey, I'm here for you, dude.

Stan

The entire lower half of your body is on fire.

Soos

Shhh, we're having a moment.

Stan

Wait. Wait. Stop everything. I’ve got something to say.

Blubs

Not this guy again.

Stan

Just wait! Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest, "Oh. I can never tell a lie, I’m Gideon."

Blubs

He’s more honest than you.

Yeah! And he’s psychic too.

Stan

How’s this for psychic? BAM! [kicks a metal stab revealing a control panel inside] Take a good look.

Lazy Susan

Wait a minute? Is that me? [on the monitor] The secret ingredient to my coffee omelette is coffee.

And me.

[on the monitor] I can verify that that birthmark is indeed disgusting.

That’s me! That’s me! That’s me!

Stan

That's right; these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who's the fraud now?

Gideon, we gave you our trust.

You lied to us.

Gideon

Please, I... It's not what it looks like. What are you gonna do with me?

Tyler?

Tyler

Get him. [sniffs] Get him.

Blubs

Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs.

Gideon

[Durland handcuffs him] What?! No!

Stan

Just one more thing!

Gideon

[Stan picks him up and shakes him] Let go of me! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Stan

[retrieves Journal Number Two and the deed to the Mystery Shack] I believe this belongs to me.

Gideon

[gets loaded into a police car] No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers!

There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Li'l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford?

Stan

The Mystery Shack is back, baby!

Dipper

Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. [Hands Journal 3 to Stan] It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it.

Stan

I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. [laughs] Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies.

Dipper

But it's all real.

Stan

Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this?

Dipper

Wait, no. Grunkle Stan.

Stan

"Magic book." [laughs more] Ridiculous. [leaves with the book]

Dipper

Stan, I need it!

Mabel

Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not.

Dipper

Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though.

Mabel

I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway?

Stan

Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon.

Boo!

Stan

Please, please. Boo harder.

My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town.

[pointing at Stan] Activity!

Stan

"Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking.

I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor.

Stan

[laughs nervously]

I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth.