Grunkle Stan quotes from Gravity Falls

Mabel

This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," [gasps] "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra!

Stan

Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me.

Mabel

Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together.

Stan

Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them.

Dipper

Pass.

Stan

You don't understand, Wendy. This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me.

Wendy

This is literally too dumb for me to care about.

You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart.

No, you did it, Cinnamon.

Mabel

[with Twinkleheart] Because you believed in yourself.

Dipper

Everything about this is bad.

Stan

Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day.

Mabel

Ooh, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat.

Stan

Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by an antisocial shut-in.

Soos

Those people are called animators.

Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges?

Stan

Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call?

Soos

Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy.

Stan

[via walkie-talkie] "Soos!"

Soos

[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker] Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation?

Stan

"Soos, pick up!" [Soos picks up walkie-talkie]

Soos

Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food.

Stan

"Listen, I need something from you." [at police station] You know that vending machine in the gift shop? [via walkie-talkie] "I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine."

Soos

Time for a repair guy to become a repair man.

[hands out a kids box] Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal?

Soos

Just put one in my mouth. [employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it] Let's do this.

Stan

[drops toxic waste on his foot] HOT BELGAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real. [inhales] SON OF A-

Dipper

That's him, alright.

Stan

[while Soos is tackling his boss] Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order!

Soos

Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids!

Stan

Soos, you idiot, let me go!

Stan

I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family!

Dipper

Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!

Stan

Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?

Dipper

He's lying! Shut it down NOW!

Stan

Mabel, please!

Ten. Nine.

Mabel

Grunkle Stan...

Six. Five.

Mabel

...I trust you.

Dipper

MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!

One.

Dipper

What...? Who is that?

Stan

The author of the journals. [The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan] My brother.

Mabel

Is this the part where one of us faints?

Soos

Oh, I am so on it, dude. [Does so]

Ford

Hehehehe, Wait up!

Stan

Yeah, you should keep up.

Ford

I...I can keep up. [Peeks through some boards] Whoa.

Stan

Neato.

Ford

Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold.

Stan

Uh, ladies first.

Stan

Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! [Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it] Cool. Splinters.

Ford

[Shines flashlight into the cave] Whoa, it's so creepy in here.

Stan

[Comes into the cave] Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place.

[Walk off, chanting:] Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!

Stan

Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother!

Ford

[Punches him in the face]

Stan

Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?

Ford

This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings?

Stan

Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?

Ford

Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago?

Stan

What I did? Why, you ungrateful... [Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him] Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. [As Ford slams him to the ground] Ah!

Mabel

Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?!

Ford

Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?

Soos

Heh heh. I get that a lot.

Stan

They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids.

Ford

I...have a niece and nephew? [Shakes Mabel's hand] Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.

Mabel

Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal.

Ford

Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.

Dipper

I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals!

Ford

You've read my journals?

Dipper

I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I [Starts breathing heavily] OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. [Mabel comes over and pats him on the back] Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out.

[in a commercial] Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises. Are you sick of this always happening to you? [gets splashed with juice] Then you need the shammy of the future. Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon. That's the Sham-Total. It's a total sham.

Stan

[voiceover] I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. Suckers! I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania.

[in another commercial] Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off. The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes.

Stan

[voiceover] It gave you rashes.

Stan

[voiceover] I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. [Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack] So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack.

Stan

[voiceover] Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. [Stanley grows up.] The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! [Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.] But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids.

Dipper

So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

Stan

That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either.

Mabel

Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview?

Stan

I got my mouth, don't I?

Stan

Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?

Dipper

[to Mabel] Jump in! Jump in!

Stan

[Under Mabel's control] Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! [Snaps his fingers] I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. [Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan] But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears.