Grunkle Stan quotes from Gravity Falls

Stan

You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... PURE EVIL.

Soos

I ate a man alive tonight.

Stan

Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse. That's- that's pretty good.

Stan

Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy.

Stan

Oh look at him. All that hair. His body is changing... Ah!

Dipper

Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning.

Stan

What? I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word.

Stan

If you throw money at him he dances.

Stan

No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work.

Mabel

Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are.

Stan

[still falling in the Bottomless Pit] Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story.

Soos

Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story." Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever?

Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size?

Stan

Never mind the T-shirt! Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!

Mabel

[leading the customer away] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Stan

D-doing my taxes!

Dipper

[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink] Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?

Stan

Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud.

Dipper

Might wanna tuck that one away, there. [drops the form into a shredder]

[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles] Do-do-do. Oh no! [Dipper and Mabel laugh]

Stan

Sometimes I think: is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death?

Stan

Where... where are we?

Mabel

[gasps] Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top!

Dipper

[checks his watch] And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.

Soos

Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true.

Stan

But that's impossible! No one will believe us. [leans on the pit's sign]

Mabel

Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.

Agreed.

Mabel

[smiling] He'll be fine.

Stan

[sighs, long pause] This is stupid.

Mabel

Ah, the pool. Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment.

Stan

Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet.

Dipper

[looking at a towel] Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses?

Soos

It's best not to think about it.

Wendy

Hey, Mr. Pines.

Stan

Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard?

Wendy

I am the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka. Boosh. [throws more balloons]

Stan

[fleeing] AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER!

Dipper

Wow, you work here?

Wendy

I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house.

Dipper

Yeah, you do! [laughs for a moment, then whispers to himself] I've been laughing for too long.

Soos

Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning.

Dipper

Soos, shhh.

How long ya in for?

Stan

Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent.

Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary.

It's the nights that are the hardest.

Stan

There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair.

Soos

The legends you told me in the car were true.

Dipper

Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever.

Stan

AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD!

Stan

[Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.] Fight, fight, fight!

Baby fights! Will return in a minute.

Stan

TV. It knows what I want.

Mabel

Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face.

Stan

I have seen the face of beauty.

Mabel

[In Dipper's body] Hey, Grunkle Stan. Your face looks like a butt.

Stan

What?!

Mabel

Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink.

Stan

What's goin' on, Dipper? Ah, you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh? Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk - about the birds and the bees, you know?

Mabel

I—I should really be going-

Stan

No way out of it. Look, it all begins with this little fella, the pituitary gland. He may be little, but he has BIG PLANS...

Mabel

[screams]

Stan

[later; closing the book] And now you know where babies come from.

Mabel

Goodbye, childhood.