Ford Pines quotes from Gravity Falls

Ford

My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and play!

Ford

To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... THE END OF OUR WORLD!

Ford

So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a [twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion] "boop-boop."

Ford

Hehehehe, Wait up!

Stan

Yeah, you should keep up.

Ford

I...I can keep up. [Peeks through some boards] Whoa.

Stan

Neato.

Ford

Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold.

Stan

Uh, ladies first.

Stan

Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! [Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it] Cool. Splinters.

Ford

[Shines flashlight into the cave] Whoa, it's so creepy in here.

Stan

[Comes into the cave] Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place.

[Walk off, chanting:] Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!

Ford

I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley.

Dipper

Stanley?

Mabel

But... your name is Stanford.

Ford

Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head?

Dipper

Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?

Mabel

And what happened between you and your brother?

Soos

I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.

Stan

Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother!

Ford

[Punches him in the face]

Stan

Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?

Ford

This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings?

Stan

Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?

Ford

Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago?

Stan

What I did? Why, you ungrateful... [Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him] Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. [As Ford slams him to the ground] Ah!

Mabel

Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?!

Ford

Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?

Soos

Heh heh. I get that a lot.

Stan

They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids.

Ford

I...have a niece and nephew? [Shakes Mabel's hand] Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.

Mabel

Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal.

Ford

Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.

Dipper

I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals!

Ford

You've read my journals?

Dipper

I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I [Starts breathing heavily] OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. [Mabel comes over and pats him on the back] Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out.

Ford

[voiceover] I knew I'd have to record my findings. [in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1] I began to keep a journal.

Dipper

[squeals excitedly] The journals! [everyone stares at Dipper] Sorry, sorry, just uh... [clears throat] ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking.

Ford

I began to keep a journal. [Dipper squeals again; clears throat] Just going to ignore that…

Ford

Ah! My ears. They're so pointy.

Dipper

There better be something protective under this tunic... [checks] OH NO, THERE ISN'T!

Ford

The Impossibeast?! Hey, I thought they banned this character!

Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition!

Ford

Dipper, can I tell you something?

Ford

You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, [pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone] I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: [holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it] an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand?

Dipper

Oh-uh, of course.

Ford

In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do.

Dipper

Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford.

Ford

Goodnight, Dipper.

Dipper

And he's insisting on speaking his mind! [Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]

Ford

So this is an emergency.

Dipper

The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure.

Ford

[thinking] Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to control someone else. [opens his drawer] Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. [Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie] A long time ago, I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head.

Dipper

[peers inside the tie] Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically ambiguous!

Ford

[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper] As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to.

Dipper

Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! [runs off]

Ford

[waves, resumes his research] Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all.

Ford

Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?!

Bill

Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart. Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party. Right, guys?

Ford

No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down!

Bill

A deal's a deal, Sixer. You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try. Cute, even.

Ford

You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel.

Mabel

Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative.

Stan

[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold] MONEY!

"Blendin"

Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to!

Mabel

R-really? But how does it work?

"Blendin"

I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. [shows the rift] Something small; he won't even know it's missing.

Mabel

Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag.

Ford

Let me guess. Mabel didn't take it well?

Dipper

I don't know, maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I need to think about this.

Ford

Dipper, right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I've got the glue; hand me the rift and let's make history.

Dipper

What? OH, NO! THE RIFT!

Mabel

Huh, that's...odd. Is this it?

"Blendin"

Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls?

Mabel

Just a little more summer...[hands over the rift]

"Blendin"

OOPS! [drops the rift and smashes it with his boot]

Mabel

What?!

Mabel

Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait!

Bill

At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!

Dipper

What's going on? What is that?!

Ford

We're too late. It's the end of the world.