Grunkle Stan quotes from Gravity Falls

Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you.

Oh, Reginald.

Stan

Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better. Her aim is gettin' better. Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible. [the couple row away from him] What?

Grunkle Stan

Grr....Gaa! Molly-coddling!

Can you please tell me more funny stories Pop-Pop?

Anything for my fishin' buddies! [laughs]

Grunkle Stan

Arghhh!

Pop-Pop I just wealized that...I wuv you!

Grunkle Stan

Ahhhh! C'MON! Boo! BOO!

I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price.

Stan

[looks at price tag] Twenty dollars? I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'.

What?

Stan

I said I was gonna rob ya.

Stan

For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible Sack of Mystery. When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears.

[putting money in the bag] Oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Wow, what a nice man. That was totally worth the drive.

Stan

Hey, hey! What the Jekyll is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon?

Wendy

[browses her cellphone] Oh yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight.

Stan

WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece?!

Soos

I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mab-ideon? Gide-Abel? [Gasps] Ma-gid-bel-eon!

Dipper

I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to!

Stan

[walking out the door] Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop right now! [Slams the door]

Well, well, Stanford Pines. What brings you here?

Stan

Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon.

Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee.

Stan

I don't think-

Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia.

Stan

Wow. I went to jail there once.

Dipper

What in the heck happened on that date?

Mabel

I don't know! I was in the friend zone—and then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand!

Dipper

Mabel, come on. It's not like you're gonna have to marry Gideon.

Stan

Great news, Mabel. You have to marry Gideon.

Mabel

WHAT?!

Stan

It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt. [Looks down] Ugh, I am fat.

Stan

Bodies change, honey! Bodies change.

You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel.

Grunkle Stan

Kids, I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up.

Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire.

Grunkle Stan

KIDS!

Mabel

No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington.

Dipper

I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said.

Stan

Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's incident.

Dipper

Disco girl...comin' through...that girl is you! [Stan opens the bathroom door] DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN!

Mabel

[grinning] You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation BABBA?

Dipper

No, I wasn't- It's not important.

Lazy Susan

[serving Stan and Mabel] Food!

Stan

Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow.

Lazy Susan

Ha! Silly.. silly man...

Mabel

What was that about?

Stan

Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet?

Mabel

Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of-

Stan

Love?

Mabel

Mabel.

Mabel

Grunkle Stan, you coming?

Stan

No thank you. Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me.

Dipper

[In an old-timey accent] There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar.

Mabel

[Likewise] Well, hornswaggle my haversack.

Stan

DEAD TO ME!

Stan

Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya?

Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box?

Stan

C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack!

"Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression!

Stan

I can't take it anymore. [grabbing the man by the collar] I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!

Blubs

Are we gonna have to intervene here?

Stan

Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" [laughs]

Stan

Oh, come on!

Mabel

Ugh, poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears.

Stan

Fears are for chumps. That's why I don't have any. [tries to reach an item on a shelf]

Mabel

You want me to go get a ladder?

Stan

We don't have one.

Mabel

What?

Mabel

Grunkle Stan, why you actin' so cray-cray?

Stan

YOU'RE the one who's "actin' cray-cray".

Gideon

[on the phone to Stan] Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them. [pause] This is Gideon, by the way.

Stan

[laughs] Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago.

Gideon

I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo!

Stan

"Text me a photo"? Now you're not even speaking English!

Gideon

But-