Tina Cohen-Chang quotes from Glee

Quinn

I can't believe I'm doing this. I look horrible with short hair.

Tina

Shut up. With your bone structure, you could totally pull off a Rosemary's Baby look. I'm going to look like Jackie Chan.

Tina

Artie.

Artie

(standing up with machines supporting his legs and his hands gripping on canes)

Brittany

(gasps in shock)

Santana

[turns to Lauren] Whoa! Okay, I'm sorry. You just got eyes for my man.

Okay, first of all, I'm not your man.

Quinn

And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us. Three weeks ago, you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby.

Tina

Five minutes ago, you said Mr. Schue belonged into a twelve step program.

Will

Wait, what?

Santana

You're addicted to vests.

Rachel

The truth is, Santana, you can dish it out but you can't take it. Okay maybe you're right. Maybe I'm destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical of Willow, but the only job you're gonna have is working on a pole.

Brittany

That's my man and his legs don't work!

Finn

Tenderoni!

Tina

I'm so in love I may just start crying. [kisses Mike]

Tina

[piggy back rides Mike and nibbling his ear]

Mike

[laughing]

Santana

[voiceover] How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action in this school, and here I am, on Valentine's and single. Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable.

Quinn

[smirking at Finn]

Finn

[smiling back at Quinn]

Santana

Wait, that's weird. Quinn has that queen bitch smirk on her face and Finn only has that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. [gasps] Holy sweet hell. They're fooling around! I know what cheating looks like! I do it all the time. [chuckles]

Mike

[goes to comfort Tina]

Tina

[crying harder and turns to Mike] Everyday is Valentine's Day when I'm with you. I'm so overcome with love. I love you, Mike Chang.

Will

Okay, wow. That was powerful...almost too powerful. [goes to Mike and Tina]

Rachel

[burps] It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink! PINK!

Kurt

[dancing and talking to Finn] Are you not drinking?

Finn

No. Designated driver. What about you?

Kurt

I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. [looks at Blaine]

Blaine

[dancing crazily]

Kurt

Clearly he doesn't have the same concern.

Blaine

Hey, it is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers...Like brothers. Wow. You're so tall.

Kurt

Are you having fun, Blaine?

Blaine

Yeah. This is the best party ever!

Rachel

Finny, dance with me. [dances with Finn] We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I'd do anything for you. Anything.

Finn

[lets go of Rachel] Okay Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm going to break it down for you. [sits down with Rachel]

Rachel

Okay.

Finn

Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.

Santana

[crying] You like her more than me! She's blond and awesome and so smart. Admit it! Just admit it!

Sam

[confused]

Santana

No kiss me! [kisses Sam]

Finn

Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the anger girl drunks.

Quinn

I can't believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!

Back off!

Lauren

Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?

Chill out!

Finn

Brittany, the girl who also turns into a stripper drunk.

Brittany

[dancing]

Artie

[throwing money into the air] Makin' it rain! [laughing] That's my girlfriend. I love you babe.

Finn

Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks.

[laughing hysterically]

Finn

And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.

Rachel

[frowns and pats Finn's back] What-What kind of girl is this? [stands up] Let's play spin the bottle!

Tina

[wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I need to close my locker and it's going to sound like a gunshot. [closes her locker gently]

Mercedes

[starts walking with Tina, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've had the worst hangover since Saturday and it's Monday.

Santana

[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've been dry heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was I told her I was practicing bird calls.

Mike

[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] You guys, I can't stop barfing.

Tina

Please don't say barf.

Santana

I caught a whiff of hairspray and went full Linda Blair in the girl's bathroom.

Mike

I told my mom I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.

Tina

Can we talk about anything else?

Brittany

I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone. Okay? Especially Artie. [closes her locker and leaves]

Santana

Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with- Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.

Tina

[overhears and joins her] Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.

[walking with Lauren and overhears] It was only a matter of time.

Lauren

For what?

Brittany to get pregnant.

Lauren

Oh. [sees Artie wheeling by] Congratulations!

Artie

For what?

Lauren

You didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're going to be a baby daddy!

Artie

[silent and shocked]

Will

Okay what else?

Tina

She called the Ohio Secretary of State saying she was me and that I wanted to legally change my name to Tina Cohen-Loser.

Will

She. [sighs and writes "Loser" on the board] Okay, and how does that make you feel?

Finn

Well, at first it hurts but then it mostly makes you want to win.

Will

Guys, I think you may have just found your song. [writes "Like Me" on the board and circles "Loser Like Me"] Now let's get to writing.

Sam

Why didn't you tell us?

We did.

Santana

Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into eye de-slanting.

Tina

That's extraordinarily racist.

Santana

Just keeping it real.

Tina

Sorry Santana, I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself and I would never change a thing.

Mike

Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? [whispers] Self hating Asian.

Tina

Not too many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to mirror what I see in magazines.

Finn

My dancing kind of bothers me. It almost killed Rachel but I like the way I look.

Santana

Oh please. You have weird puffy pyramid nipples.

Sam

[tries to look at Finn's nipples]

Finn

[slaps Sam's hand away]

Santana

They look like they're filled with custard. Or you could dust them off with powdered sugar and pass it off as some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel is fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.

Kurt

A year and a half ago, the New Directions were nothing but a group of six misfits stumbling their way through a horrific rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat". Now, here we are at the top of the show choir heap. Nationals!

Tina

I wanna hit up Central Park, get my frolic on!

I wanna throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Finn

Guys hold on, I mean, we still have two songs to write.

Kurt

Okay, Mr Bossypants. But I think we have some time for a tune before we leave. [begins to sing] Start spreading the news. [everyone begins to join in] I'm leaving today. I wanna be a part of it. New York, New York!

Rachel

Guys, I have news. To celebrate our impending win at Nationals, I got us all thirteen tickets to Broadway's longest running show ever; Cats!

Mercedes

Did you know New York City was built on top of Old York City?

Tina

I'm pretty sure that's not true.

Mercedes

Oh. I'm just pretty.

Finn

Hey.

Rachel

Hi! I'm surprised at how well Quinn is taking the breakup. I guess I was wrong about her being a vindictive harpy.

Finn

I guess she just accepted the inevitable.

Rachel

Or maybe she's just distracted by the awesomeness of New York! I know I am. Hey, do you know why it smells like it's wet here all the time?

Finn

Nope. So, what's going on with you and Jesse?

Rachel

I don't know, he keeps texting me but I told him that I don't want to talk to him until I get back; no boys or distractions until we win that trophy. [leaves]

Will

Hey Finn, where the hell's Puckerman?

Finn

Umm...[glances at Puck and Lauren]

I'll have a Manhattan.

Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?

Yeah me, for the first time. Which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.

Kurt

Did you know I could get ahi tartare and a steak sandwich at 3 in the morning from their all-night dining menu? I feel like Eloise.

Brittany

I have pills for that.

Will

Now, you are all on lockdown until you finish writing our songs for Nationals. I want at least two solid verses by the time I get back.

Tina

Aren't you going to help us?

Will

I um, I will be back and read your amazing creations and give notes, but right now I have to head to the theatre to fill out some paper work.