Tina Cohen-Chang quotes from Glee

Will

When I was in high school, I had a whole year where I dressed as exactly like Kurt Cobain. I mean, come on. There has to be someone who you used to dress like.

Yes. For several years in my early twenties, I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will! And he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat!

Tina

(whispering to Will) I think he thinks vampires are real.

Will

I think you're right

Rachel

Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?

Artie

Isn't that against the rules?

Rachel

No, not at all. Or…probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out: I rooted through the dumpsters behind the auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights!

Tina

Oh, no.

Rachel

Which led me to the fabric store. I asked about red Chantilly lace; they were sold out.

Mercedes

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Kurt

Oh, my.

Will

What?

Kurt

They're doing Gaga.

Mercedes

That's it; it's over.

Rachel

Exactly!

Kurt

We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them!

What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?

Kurt

Lady Gaga is a woman! She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation, and she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.

Brittany

It's true.

Tina

[referring to her Gaga dress] My balls keep falling off.

Kurt

I've been there.

Kurt

I thought the boys KISS number was good, although the lyrics left something to be desired.

Tina

Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking things. It was disturbing.

Jacob

What can you say about the rumors that the two of you are dating?

Tina

Because we're both Asian? That's racist!

Mike

Totally racist!

Artie

[About Tina] She dumped me for Mike Chang. They fell in love over the summer at...Asian Camp. They were counselors, in charge of teaching all those tech-savvy Asian kids about the arts.

Finn

So, what did Tina say when she broke up with you?

Tina

[In Artie's flashback] I think you're great, Artie, but you're a terrible boyfriend. You ignored me for weeks this summer!

Artie

I was playing a marathon round of Halo, woman!

Tina

And then when we did get together, all you wanted to do was watch Coming Home over and over. Mike tries to be into what I'm into. Like his abs.

Tina

Last week we were too sexy, this week we're too religious--we can't win.

Brittany

Now I know what Miley feels like.

Mike

I don't wanna do it.

Tina

We're duets partners. You have to sing!

Mike

I don't even know if I can sing! Everyone knows I'm here to do one thing...dance. You sing and I'll dance around you. You'll be fine.

Mike

But there was salad, my mom had salad last night!

Tina

My salad had chicken feet in it! At Breadstix, they don't have chicken feet in the salad! All I want is a normal night out, with a normal dinner, and a normal salad that doesn't have chicken feet in it!

Mike

We should go to Asian couples therapy.

Tina

Why does it have to be Asian!

Mike

[nervous] ...I don't think I can do this.

Tina

It's the perfect song for this very situation.

Mercedes

Okay, do I even have to say it?

Sam

That was rude.

Tina

Like really rude.

Quinn

I seriously wanted to punch both of you.

Rachel

Ladies, the Kurt/Karofsky bullying situation is getting way out of control. Kurt's miserable. He's losing weight and not in a good way and he's barely fighting me for solos anymore.

Tina

We've all been teased but something about what Karofsky's doing is so much worse.

Rachel

We're all lucky enough to have boyfriends on the football team. I say we band together and demand that they confront Karofsky.

Quinn

Okay, first of all, I'm not dating Sam. And second of all, I think you set the feminist movement back fifty years.

Rachel

Look, guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle.

Quinn

So, we're going to fight violence with violence?

Rachel

No! Look I'm not saying that we should hit him, I'm saying that we need to defend Kurt and there's strength in numbers.

Tina

So I'm confused. [Turns to Brittany] Are you and Artie officially dating now?

Brittany

Deal with it. When you guys ever fooled around, did he ever just, like, lie there?

Santana

[Walks in] Why didn't you tell me we were having a Glee girls meeting?

Rachel

This is a meeting for Glee girls with boyfriends. We're going to make them stop Karofsky from bullying Kurt.

Santana

Okay, I'm dating Puckerman.

Quinn

You're getting naked with Puckerman.

Tina

Besides, Puck can't mess with Karofsky. He's on probation. If he gets in a fight with him, he'll be sent back to juvee.

Rachel

Mm-hmm. So now if you'll excuse us.

Santana

[scoffs] You're so on my list, dwarf. [leaves]

Rachel

Look if something bad happens to Kurt and we didn't do anything to stop it, we'll never be able to live with ourselves.

(walking and talking in the hallway)

Brittany

Go Mercedes, go Mercedes, go! (smiles)

Mercedes

(sitting on Santa's lap) I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony and a dolly that laughs and cries and...one of us smells like McDonald's.

Lauren

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. And I want sweet potato fries.

Santana

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want bling. I can't be more specific than that. Okay hold up. Don't tell that's a roll of Certs in your pocket. (gets off)

Artie

(nodding)

Quinn

(sitting on Santa's lap) Do you have anything for stretch marks?

Sam

(sitting on Santa's lap) Chapstick. Lots of Chapstick.

Mike

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff.

Tina

(sitting on Santa's lap) When does Asian Santa arrive?

Next.

Brittany

(to Elf Lady) Just know, you have rights.

Ho, ho, ho.

Brittany

(sits on Santa's lap)

What's your name?

Brittany

Brittany. You've gotten really tan.

That's because in the North Pole there is a hole in the ozone.

Brittany

(laughs) You're amazing. I know you're really busy so I only want one thing for Christmas. (points to Artie) Do you see my boyfriend over there?

Artie

(waves)

Artie

(frowns)

(turns to Artie)

Artie

(shakes his head no)

Um...sure. I'm on it.

Brittany

Thank you Santa.

Artie

Now we're screwed.

Brittany

(hugs Santa)