Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Lorelai

ASAP. So please call me. STASAP. Sooner than as soon as possible.

Lorelai

[holding Dula, Luke's baby niece] Ooo look at her long fingers. What are you gonna be? A pianist when you grow up? Is that what you're gonna be pretty girl? Or a pickpocket. Oh yes you might. You might be a pickpocketing pianist.

Lorelai

Sorry it's such a mess. The magic socks took us back in time. We were cavemen it was really bleak. So we lived like this. and I would have cleaned up. But when we woke up the magic socks were going to take us to an orphanage in England where we had to tidy up in exchange for one teaspoon of gruel.

Lorelai

Of course we have guest towels. Guest towels. Fancy way of saying towels that are clean.

Lorelai

Oh, Logan's a lovely young man. He's very nice and polite and funny. He's got that hair, you know. That hair that can sell shampoo to a bald man.

Lorelai

Jack Bauer should torture his suspects by making them go car shopping with their exes.

Lorelai

Please, Luke. Please, please, please!

Luke

How many cups have you had this morning?

Lorelai

None.

Luke

Plus?

Lorelai

5, but yours is better.

Luke

You have a problem.

Lorelai

Yes, I do.

Luke

Junkie.

Lorelai

Angel. You've got wings, baby.

Rory

You look happy.

Lorelai

Yeah.

Rory

[suspiciously] Did you do something slutty?

Lorelai

I'm not that happy.

Emily

Champagne, ladies?

Lorelai

Wow, that's fancy.

Emily

Well, it's not every day I have my girls over for dinner on a day that the banks are open.

Rory

So, Grandpa, how's the insurance biz going?

Richard

Eh, people die, we pay. People crash cars, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay.

Lorelai

Well, at least you have your new slogan.

Richard

How are things at the motel, Lorelai?

Lorelai

You mean the inn? Great.

Lorelai

Michel - the phone!

Michel

Yes. It rings.

Lorelai

Can you answer it?

Michel

No. People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them.

Lorelai

Then how would you like to talk to the unemployment agency?

Michel

[Picks up phone] Hello Independence Inn, Michel speaking.

Rory

I can't be late on my first day of school. Do you know what happens to people when they're late on their first day?

Lorelai

It's shorter?

Lorelai

I already had the longest day of my life and oh look, it's only 10! How nice!

Luke

There's no coffee.

Lorelai

That's not funny.

Luke

I can get you herbal tea.

Lorelai

This is not a herbal tea morning, this is a coffee morning.

Luke

Every morning for you is a coffee morning.

Lorelai

This is a jumbo coffee morning. I need coffee in an I.V.

Luke

I can give you tea and a balance bar.

Lorelai

Please, please, please, tell me you're kidding!

Luke

I'm kidding. [goes to get the coffee]

Lorelai

You're sick!

Luke

Yup!

Lorelai

You're a sadist, you're a fiend! [Luke comes out with the pot of coffee] You're pretty!

Rory

Yeah, they kept calling me Mary.

Lorelai

You're kidding me. Wow, I can't believe they still say that.

Rory

Why? What does it mean?

Lorelai

Mary, like Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.

Rory

You're kidding.

Lorelai

No.

Rory

Well, what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?

Lorelai

Well, they might have added a Magdalene to it.

Rory

Wow, biblical insults. This is an advanced school.

Lorelai

OK, fine. Is that my sweater?

Rory

What?

Lorelai

You're wearing my sweater.

Rory

So?

Lorelai

No, it's OK. It's just I thought I asked you to at least ask, you know, before you borrow my stuff.

Rory

I'm sorry.

Lorelai

It's OK. It's just not too much for a simple "Can I borrow it, Mom?" is it?

Rory

No, it's not. Jeez, lighten up.

Lorelai

It's my favorite sweater too.

Rory

Since when?

Lorelai

Since always.

Rory

This is not your favorite sweater.

Lorelai

Yes it is and now it's going to be all stretched out just like everything else you borrow.

Rory

What are you talking about?

Lorelai

I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out.

Rory

I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine.

Lorelai

That is not true.

Rory

Yes it is.

Lorelai

Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!

Rory

You're crazy!

Lorelai

Do you want to measure?

Rory

What?

Lorelai

I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now?

Rory

I am not going to measure my boobs.

Lorelai

Because you know that you are totally bigger.

Rory

I'm going inside.

Lorelai

Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras.

Rory

Stop it!

Lorelai

I'll stop when you quit stealing my stuff.

Rory

You're cracked!

Lorelai

You're... bigger.