Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Luke

Huh? Where are we going?

Lorelai

To Funkytown.

Luke

No, hey, wait!

Lorelai

What? Did you change your mind? Oh, how did I screw it up so fast? Was the Funkytown thing too quippy, 'cause I thought you liked that about me, but -

Sookie

Good. Because the eyes will give you away.

Lorelai

What do you mean?

Sookie

When you're thinking of bolting. They'll pop out on you, like that Runaway Bride. It's like the eyes are trying to runaway first.

Lorelai

The only draw back is the name. Coco. Too cutesy. But he's a rescue so I don't wanna freak him out by giving him a new name right away, so I'm going to get to the name I want in baby steps. So for the first week I'll call him Coco to get him acclimated, then Coci, 3rd week Kooky, 4th week Tooky.

Luke

So you're going to name him Tooky?

Lorelai

No I'm going to name him Paul Anka but it's going to take awhile to get to Paul Anka.

Luke

I'm going to talk to TJ. But I'm going to be smart about it, I'm not going to spook him. I'm going to be like Michael Corleone dealing with that slimy brother-in-law of his. Get a couple of tickets to a ballgame. Invite him along and we'll talk about the beer and the hot dogs we're going to eat, and then I'm going to get him to admit that he did this. And then when we get in the car on the way to the ball park I'm going to put a rope around his neck and pull it 'till he's - DEAD!

Lorelai

Wait, wait. You're in the back seat?

Luke

Yeah, it's best for garroting. Yes.

Lorelai

No, he's totally going to smell something fishy if you hop in the back seat, especially if you're driving.

Luke

No, he's not that bright. It'll work!

Lorelai

Why are you even buying the tickets? You could just sneak up on him and garrote him on the street, save you the money!

Luke

Your muffins.

Lorelai

My what?

Luke

You left me an urgent message about needing muffins.

Lorelai

Oh, right! Muffins, boys!

Luke

These were for them?

Lorelai

Oh, no, they were for me. I thought I'd try to eat my weight in muffins today.

Luke

Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that?

Lorelai

Like what? His posture's perfect.

Luke

You know chairs are for people?

Lorelai

Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair.

Luke

Dogs are filthy. They have fleas and malaria on them. You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're going to eat in.

Lorelai

I don't eat in here. They do.

Sookie

I can't relax, it's Jackson's family! I try to say nice things to them, but they always misinterpret and they think I'm insulting them, so I - I've tried being really quiet, and then they're all like, you know, why are you so quiet? So I overcompensate and start cracking jokes like I'm Carrot Top and I start doing funny things with props, and, ugh, I hate prop comedy!

Lorelai

[solemnly] We all do, honey.

Remember my brother Bo? ...He thinks you're a nympho.

Sookie

: Thinks you're a nymphomaniac. That means you really dig the fellas.

Lorelai

I know what it means, but how? I didn't say two words to the guy when I met him. I said one. Hi. And that was not in response to "What's your sex drive like?"

Rory

I read the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Lorelai

I have a Bible, although I may or may not have accidentally given it to Goodwill because I am remodeling, but Goodwill is a religious organization. I think.

Rory

I buy tons of Girl Scout cookies.

Lorelai

I have two "Mary is my Homegirl" t-shirts.

Lane

So, what's going on in the world?

Lorelai

Nothing...

Lane

Nothing?

Lorelai

Good. Nothing good. There's absolutely nothing positive going on anywhere in the world. How could that be?

Lane

That's why I don't read the paper anymore.

Lorelai

You will mine. I am starting my own. The Good News Daily -- nothing but good news every day.

Lane

Sounds good.

Lorelai

"No civil war in Canada" -- big article. "Cars drive down road without incident" -- front-page news. "Puppies -- how cute are they?" In-depth exposé. And the subscription is free. How happy is that?

Lane

I'm in a better mood.

Luke

Want some coffee?

Lorelai

I'm beyond coffee.

Luke

Beyond coffee. This is big.

Lorelai

I'm fueled by my righteous indignation.

Lorelai

Dad?

Richard

She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid 40 thousand dollars to redecorate her sex-house. I bought a her a sex mattress. Her sex-box springs.I provided everything she needs to waste her life.

Lorelai

Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault. Really, she was having sex way before the big renovation.

Richard

I feel so much better now.

Luger's Bait and Tackle.

Lorelai

Oh that's right...they're shutting down. Luger's wife caught him at the motel with the transves...tor radio and uh..he retired honorably.

Luke

I thought you'd be happy!

Lorelai

Yeah, I am, but sad at the same time. Never been with a woman before?

Luke

I`ve got another surprise for you.

Lorelai

What?

Luke

Upstairs.

Lorelai

Where?

Luke

In the bedroom.

Lorelai

Uh, upstairs in the bedroom. Whatever could it be?

Luke

Close your eyes.

Lorelai

I'm not scared of it anymore!

Luke

They're gonna get cold.

Lorelai

Are they different?

Luke

Different than what?

Lorelai

They seem different.

Luke

They're nachos. Now eat them.

Lorelai

You used baked chips.

Luke

What?!

Lorelai

You did, didn't you? You used baked chips and low fat cheese.

Luke

I did not [pauses] use low fat cheese.

Lorelai

HA

Luke

How can you tell?

Lorelai

How could you lie?

Luke

It tastes the same!

Lorelai

[sighs] The trust Luke! How are we gonna make it if you're constantly trying to keep me healthy?

Luke

Fine. Forget it. Die at 60.

Lorelai

Bring me a donut while I wait!?

Lorelai

Hey Lane! Woohoo Lane! [Lane keeps walking] Woo Lane seriously, landing planes over here.

Lane

Lorelai, hey!

Lorelai

Hey! Fill me up here. [Lane fills coffee mug] So how's it goin'?

Lane

Good.

Lorelai

Good, I haven't seen you the last couple days.

Lane

I've been working the lunch shift.

Lorelai

Ooh - something wrong?

Lane

Wrong?

Lorelai

Yeah, you're, you're givin' me a Valerie Cherish, and 'I don't wanna see that' [both giggle awkwardly] It's a great show, you should watch it.

Lane

I will.

Lorelai

It's canceled.

Lane

Oh, sorry.

Lorelai

Well, it's your fault, so...