Professor Hubert Farnsworth quotes from Futurama

Prof. Farnsworth

If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm colony!

Hermes

But what about the worms in the other part of his body?

Prof. Farnsworth

Listen, this is gonna be one Hell of a bowel movement. Afterward, he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.

Farnsworth

Leela, you're just in time to help. If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes could dislodge them.

Hermes

I call it "Caribbean Drain-o".

Fry

I'm Santa Claus!

Hermes

No, I'm Santa Claus!

Amy

We're also Santa Claus!

Dr. Zoidberg

[with a heavenly aura around him] And I'm his friend, Jesus.

Fry

Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.

Poopenmeyer

You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! [The display shows "00"] Hey! Zero! [He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets. Bender's arms and legs are pulled to them]

Bender

No! Not the magnets! [His eyes widen. singing] Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. [The witnesses applaud] Swing low, sweet...

Fry

This is horrible.

Prof. Farnsworth

But it's not boring!

Santa

Ho, ho, ho! [He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters except for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela dive behind some rubble]

Poopenmeyer

My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!

Zoidberg

I help those who help themselves.

Bender

Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me!

Santa

[laughs] I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas.

Bender

Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help you?

Fry

Don't do it! He's evil!

Santa

I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?

Bender

Well ... 'tis the season!

Prof. Farnsworth

Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.

Fry

Alright!

Leela

Yeah!

Prof. Farnsworth

In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.

Leela

Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right?

Prof. Farnsworth

Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken MP3!

Leela

Professor, don't you remember what I told you?!

Prof. Farnsworth

No!!

Prof. Farnsworth

Good news, everyone! I'm sending you on a highly controversial mission.

Fry

Controversial?

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, my, no.

Prof. Farnsworth

For this highly controversial mission you'll be towing the Juan Valdez, an orbiting supertanker full of rich Columbian dark matter.

Leela

Dark matter oil? What if we hit something? The tanker could leak.

Prof. Farnsworth

Impossible! The tanker has 6,000 hulls. So, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof.

Prof. Farnsworth

Being a captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is the perfect candidate for the job.

Bender

Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

Leela

My God! Even the professor is bent!

Prof. Farnsworth

[Bent facing the floor] Thank you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum.

Fry

Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?

Prof. Farnsworth

Hmm, I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing things from a new perspective has reminded me of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new posture is causing blood to pool in the back of my brain, resulting in a slight delirium. Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose.

Fry

I wish! It's a nickel.

Professor Farnsworth

Good news, everyone! We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet, Tweenis 12, but it mysteriously exploded.

Leela

Why is that good news?

Professor Farnsworth

They paid in advance.

Leela

[handing Fry a note] This. You for this.

Fry

Thanks.

Leela

Noooooooo! [reaches into the fire] OWWWWW! Fire hot!

Professor Farnsworth

[comes over] The Professy will help! [reaches into the fire] AHHH! Fire INDEED hot!

Fry

What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.

Zoidberg

Damn right!

Fry

The Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot.

Fry

Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.

Hermes

Tally me banana.

Fry

Amy's a klutz from Mars.

Amy

Sploops!

Farnsworth

And, Fry, you've got that brain thing.

Fry

I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?

Leela

That's the dumbest question I ever heard!

Prof. Farnsworth

That sounds very dangerous. Someone could get killed. [pointing] Fry, Leela, Bender...

Bender

[shaking fist] Damn you, old man!

Leela

OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can.

Farnsworth

You're going to do his laundry?