Professor Hubert Farnsworth quotes from Futurama

Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery!

The address was to "Dogdoo 8", but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7.

[to Dwight] Child mon, is this true?

DDwight

Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission.

Cubert

[points at Bender] Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property!

[nervously] Lies! Lies and slander! [belches foam]

FFarnsworth

Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed?! That's the last straw! You boys have been underfoot long enough!

You jerked the words right outta my mouth! We're their fathers, and it's high times we acted like it!

[eagerly] Ooh-hoo! Here comes violence!

[clears his throat] Get a job, you lazy kids!

[Dwight and Cubert gasp]

[groans, then gets out a baseball bat] I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

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DDwight

What's this device's marketability? Who's the target consumer?

Farnsworth

There is no target consumer! Only targets. Targets that will tremble in fear as their new master hands down edicts in my glorious, booming voice!

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FFarnsworth

This is my latest invention; a device that lets anyone sound exactly like me!

Cubert

[Speaks into machine] Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt!

FFarnsworth

I am? That's not good news at all, you little--!

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DDwight

You don't wanna miss the unveiling of our new company, do you?

Company? [He laughs.] How cute! What will you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines? Cootie insurance?

FFarnsworth

Perhaps they've constructed a teddy bear hospital!

[They laugh]

Cubert

Actually, we're starting a competing delivery company.

[He pulls the sheet off to reveal a red "Awesome Express" logo. Hermes and Farnsworth look at each other and stand up]

Welcome to the world of business.

[He and Farnsworth kick the logo and smash it down]

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People, as you know, our young sons have become great successes in the very same field as us.

All right!

That's great!

That's good.

Naturally, we're humiliated.

Farnsworth

That's why we need you, our loyal crew, to make Planet Express eight-hundred-percent more profitable.

We'll start by slashing salaries. And this time, I mean REALLY slashing.

Uh, guys, I don't know how to tell you this... so I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly.

[cheerfully] We don't work for you anymore!

[Hermes gasps]

Farnsworth

What?!

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Prof. Farnsworth

Where's the device that lets you speed or slow the passage of time?

Under the seat. [Holds up a bong]

S3 Bendin' in the Wind

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She just needs some gas.

Prof. Farnsworth

Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2038.

Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.

Like what?

Whale oil. Bender, lift it up to the can opener.

Oh, no! I'm not going near it. Last time, that magnetic psycho nearly cut my head off.

Oh, right. Plus, the magnet screws up your inhibition unit and makes you sing folk songs.

What? Who said anything about me secretly wanting to be a folk singer? How ridiculous.

Bender, if you don't open that can right now, your fear will own you, and nothing that can opener could ever do would be worse than that.

OK, OK, I can do this. It's time to take life by the cans.

Come on!

You can do it!

Amy

Bender!

Farnsworth

Go on, you dummy!

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

Oh, no!

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

'Cause the master's gone away.

S3 Bendin' in the Wind

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I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again, you screwed up! Now all the planets are gonna start cracking wise about our mamas.

I'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't alive to see this day.

Prof. Farnsworth

Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems.

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Prof. Farnsworth

What do you know of this?

EBEthan 'Bubblegum' Tate

Not much yet, but I am a senior lecturer of physics at Globetrotter U, and I'd like to help you investigate.

Prof. Farnsworth

You're that Bubblegum Tate?

EBEthan 'Bubblegum' Tate

Well, I sure ain't his grandma.

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RNRichard Nixon's Head

Now, how long will it take to build?

EBEthan 'Bubblegum' Tate

It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this complex might take months or even-

[Time skips.]

Prof. Farnsworth

Ah, there we are. One gravity pump. Powerful enough to move the stars themselves. Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so th-

[Time skips. The Planet Express ship is taking off with the gravity pump attached.]

Prof. Farnsworth

Off you go, apparently.

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Put me on, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills.

Prof. Farnsworth

Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?

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Prof. Farnsworth

The time skips are worse than ever now. Isolated spots are jumping by years at a time. Look.

BBoy

Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their Social Security benefits?

[Time skip; the boy becomes a senior citizen]

SCSenior Citizen

I deserve free money!

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How can you guys be so blasé? Here we are in the year three-hundred-or-so, yet you're just sitting around like it's the boring time I came from.

Prof. Farnsworth

Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome, and boy bands roamed the earth?

S3 I Dated a Robot

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Hey, you know what might be a hoot?

Prof. Farnsworth

No! Why would I know that?

Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.

Everything?

Except that.

S3 I Dated a Robot

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[At the edge of the universe, Fry sees alternative versions of himself and his friends on the other side, dressed as cowboys]