Philip J. Fry quotes from Futurama

Leela

There, no rampaging for you tonight.

Bender

Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?

Leela

Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast, and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.

Fry

It'll be a rich, full day.

Fry

I can’t believe this. Bender’s supposed to murder his closest friend, which I thought was me. But he went straight for you. He didn’t even try to second degree murder me.

Leela

Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot.

Fry

Stop rubbing it in!

Fry

Knightrider wasn't evil!

Calculon

No, but his windshield wipers were. Didn't come up much in the show...

Michelle

Fry? Is it really you?

Fry

I don’t know. Is it really you?

Michelle

What do you mean you don’t know? Are you you or not?

Fry

Who wants to know?

Michelle

Oh Fry, it is you!

Leela

We don't need to beg Bender, for God's sake we're not veterans.

Fry

Then what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant back? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Fry

What's deathrolling?

It's like skateboarding.

But half the time someone dies.

Fry

Oh. So it's a little safer than skateboarding.

Michelle

My mother always said you were a loser, Fry. Now get out there and prove her wrong.

Fry

Beth said that?

Fry

I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded out.

Michelle

That's because you're a loser. You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000.

Fry

Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it all; friends, a low-paying job, a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man, but you wrecked everything!

Michelle

Quit standing up for yourself, Fry!

Fry

So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?

Farnsworth

You wish! You're in Los-Angeles!

Fry

But there was this gang of 10-year-olds with guns.

Leela

Exactly, you're in L.A.

Fry

But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.

Bender

That's L.A. for you.

Fry

But the air is green and there's no sign of civilisation whatsoever.

Bender

He just won't stop with the social commentary.

Fry

And the people are all phoneys. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it.

Fry

Can I have my old job back?

Prof. Farnsworth

Why, I've forgotten why I haven't fired you.

Bender

Because he destroyed his business, his home and all his possessions!

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, that's right! Get lost! [pulls the lever and plants a floor trap on Fry]

Fry

We have to go save them.

Bender

Nah, why bother?

Fry

Bender, think of the señoritas!

Bender

Vámonos!

Sal

Stands back. I’m gonna puts my moves on her. [He hoots at Leela by saying "Wooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaahs" and twisting/moving his hips to the left and right.]

Fry

That jerk. No one hoots at my captain unless they’re prepared to take it to the next level.

Leela

Fry, please. That’s sweet, but I'd rather not even dignify them with an ass-whupping.

Sal

Yo, sexy mama! Let’s get busy and freaky, in that order.

Fry

Hey, jumbo! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to make love with you?

Sal

Eh, I’ve gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck-stop chick.

Fry

You take that back! She does not look good for a truck-stop chick.

Sal

Yeah, you’re right. She don’t gots enough meat for a guy like me.

Fry

She does too! She’s loaded with meat! She’s got more meat than a cow!

Prof. Farnsworth

[whispers] Be very quiet. We're in the ear.

Amy

[whispers] Okay, professor.

Prof. Farnsworth

WHAT?!

Fry

[to Leela] What about "what"?

Leela

Uh...What about we go for a walk because it's a lovely day, perhaps?

Fry

Oh, okay.

Fry

Leela, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time but every time I try I get nervous and my mouth feels like it's stuffed with peanut butter, even when it's not.

Leela

What is it? Is it about Bender?

Fry

No, it's about you and me.

Leela

And Bender?

Fry

Bender's not involved. Leela ... I love you.

Leela

You do?

Fry

Yes. But it's only recently that I've been able to articulate my thoughts. I love you, Leela, and I always have.

Leela

Fry, that's the sweetest, most wonderful-- Wait, "recently?" Like since you ate that toilet sandwich?

Fry

Yeah! I don't know why but my life really turned around that day.

Fry

I'm Santa Claus!

Hermes

No, I'm Santa Claus!

Amy

We're also Santa Claus!

Dr. Zoidberg

[with a heavenly aura around him] And I'm his friend, Jesus.

Fry

Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.

Poopenmeyer

You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! [The display shows "00"] Hey! Zero! [He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets. Bender's arms and legs are pulled to them]

Bender

No! Not the magnets! [His eyes widen. singing] Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. [The witnesses applaud] Swing low, sweet...

Fry

This is horrible.

Prof. Farnsworth

But it's not boring!

Santa

Ho, ho, ho! [He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters except for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela dive behind some rubble]

Poopenmeyer

My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!

Zoidberg

I help those who help themselves.

Bender

Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me!

Santa

[laughs] I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas.

Bender

Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help you?

Fry

Don't do it! He's evil!

Santa

I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?

Bender

Well ... 'tis the season!