Phoebe Buffay quotes from Friends

Rachel

You know what else I'm not gonna miss? [mockingly] "I'm Monica. I wash the toilet seventeen times a day, even if people are on it!"

Monica

"Hi, I'm Rachel. Is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I better wash it and shrink it!"

Rachel

"I'm Monica. I don't get phone messages from interesting people, ever.

Phoebe

Hey, I call her.

Monica

"Oh my, I love Ross, I hate Ross! I love Ross, I hate Ross!

Rachel

"Oh my...! I can't find a boyfriend, so I guess I'll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"

Phoebe

Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations. [she pulls out a drawer and dumps the entire contents into the box

Monica

Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did.

Ross

Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.

Monica

Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year.

Ross

Monica and Chandler are living together!

Monica

Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, AGAIN!

Phoebe

I love Jacques Cousteau!

Rachel

I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!

Joey

I wanna gooooo!

Judy

That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you're in an important relationship is beyond me.

Jack

And we kinda figured about the porch swing.

Phoebe

[finds a bag under the couch] Oh! We have a large one!

Rachel

It's a Macy's bag!

Phoebe

[turns it over and an old shoe falls out] Ooh! Who's it for?

Rachel

[reads note attached to shoe] "Dear losers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."

Phoebe

Uh oh. I think she may be on to us.

Phoebe

I didn't know Playboy prints jokes.

Ross

Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not just about the pictures!

Monica

It didn't work on Mom. It's not going to work on us.

Ross

Hey, Joey, look -- Playboy printed my joke!

Joey

[Joey reads it and makes a slight chuckle] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jokes? But... You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?

Rachel

Honey ! What did you do that bad that make dad cut you off ?

Okay.. I bought a boat.

Phoebe

You bought a boat ?

Yeah. It wasn't for me. It was for a friend.

Chandler

Boy ! Did we make friends with wrong sister ?

Phoebe

Seriously, Rachel's not gonna think it's a good idea.

So who made her Queen of the World ?

Phoebe

I would love that Job .

Joey

You sick bastards.

Rachel

It's a tattoo. That's weird, Pheebs...wait, that's Ursula! That's not Phoebe, that's Ursula!

Joey

Wait! Wait! Then I can watch that. Rewind it! Rewind it!

Phoebe

Hey, what's up? Oh, my...! What am I doing?!

Rachel

Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.

[Looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?!


Phoebe

No, Barry and Mindy.

Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross.

Ross

I studied ka-ra-te for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.

Rachel

Isn't that a kind of sushi?

Ross

No, it's a concep--

Phoebe

Yeah, it is, it is. It's freshwater eel.

Ross

Okay, maybe it means that, too.

Ross

Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.

Phoebe

You mean, in case someone's trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?

Phoebe

Now, we can kick anybody's ass!

Rachel

Yeah!

Ross

After one class? I don't think so.

Rachel

What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!

Ross

Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.

Rachel

Isn't that a kind of sushi?

Ross

No, it's a concept.

Phoebe

Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel.

Ross

All right, maybe it means that too.

Rachel

Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.

Ross

Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!

Rachel

Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna switch. Please, come on, I can throw wet paper towels here.

Phoebe

No, but at Monica's you can eat cookies over the sink.

Phoebe

And he has one of these. [Phoebe imitates a chin dimple]

Chandler

A face ass?

Monica

Please, stop freaking out.

Chandler

I'm not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday.

Monica

Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, what's the harm in that?

Chandler

Right here!

Monica

Chandler, please don't think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel...

Chandler

Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!

Monica

It was a mistake. Please don't take this to mean anything, because it doesn't.

Chandler

Okay.

Monica

Really?

Chandler

Yes, if it really doesn't mean anything, because you know that I'm just not ready...

Monica

I know! I know.

Chandler

Okay.

Monica

I'm gonna go tell Joey that... that you're back. I was really worried about you.

Phoebe

Hey, did she buy it?

Chandler

Totally.

Phoebe

So did Heldi show you the place?

Chandler

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Phoebe

I can't believe you're gonna ask Monica to marry you!

Chandler

[smiling] I know.

Rachel

I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.

Phoebe

That's easy! You just have to think of him as a -- as a jar of pickles that won't open.

Rachel

So, what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table?

Phoebe

No, that's what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.