Phoebe Buffay quotes from Friends

Phoebe

You're questioning my methods.

Joey

I'm not questioning it, Phoebe, I'm saying it's stupid.

Ross

Janice and I have a lot in common. We've both been divorced, we both have kids...

Phoebe

So you're gonna see her again?

Joey

Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head!

Ross

I am gonna see her again.

Joey

Dammit, Phoebe!

Phoebe

Lily's dead!

She -- what?

Phoebe

She's dead.

Are you sure?

Phoebe

Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.

Phoebe

I'm going to kiss you now.

Chandler

Not if I kiss you first. [They awkwardly put their hands on each other] Well...I guess there's nothing left for us to do but... but kiss.

Phoebe

Here it comes. Our first kiss.

Chandler

Okay, okay, okay, you win! You win! I can't have sex with you!

Phoebe

And why not?

Chandler

Because I'm in love with Monica!

Phoebe

You're...you're what?

Chandler

[as Monica, Rachel and Joey enter] Love her! That's right, I love her! I love you, Monica.

Monica

I love you, too, Chandler.

Phoebe

I thought you guys were doing it. I didn't know you were in love.

Joey

Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?

Ross

No, I will not!

Joey

Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.

Ross

You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me? [They all laugh].

Phoebe

Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.

Phoebe

[about which route to take to Vegas] Oh, if you take the northern route, there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees.

Joey

Great! Problem solved!

Phoebe

But on the southern route, there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.

Joey

Well, back to square one.

Monica

Okay. You cannot tell Chandler. Okay? But I ran into Richard.

Phoebe

Which Richard?

Monica

The Richard.

Phoebe

Richard Simmons?!

Monica

No, my ex-boyfriend Richard. You know: the tall guy, mustache.

Phoebe

Okay, that actually makes more sense. How was it?

Rachel

No! Phoebe, just because I'm alone doesn't mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.

Phoebe

Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?

Phoebe

This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!

Monica

Phoebe, you don't eat animals.

Phoebe

For 99 cents, I'd eat you.

Phoebe

Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do you leave?

Also Monday.

Phoebe

What time? Maybe we can share a cab!

Ross

Wanna hear something weird?

Phoebe

Always!

Ross

Rachel and me are still married.

Phoebe

What?

Ross

I didn't get the annulment. We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. Okay, see you later...

Ross

I just don't want my tombstone to read, "Ross Geller: Three divorces."

Phoebe

Don't feel worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, "Ross Geller: Good at Marriage!" Y'know? Mine's going to say "Phoebe Buffay: Buried Alive."

Ross

We were drunk! I would've married Joey with that amount of alcohol!

Phoebe

Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!

Phoebe

So, my reading was wrong - I'm not gonna die!

Monica

How do you know?

Phoebe

Because my psychic's dead! She must have read it wrong.

Rachel

Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry.

Phoebe

Hey, better her than me. Ooh! Let's bake cookies!

Monica

I wonder what age it is that you stop being able to put both legs behind your head.

Phoebe

Oh, I can still do that.

Monica

How are you still single?