Phoebe[singing] Ipan stripan glupi glapi! And that's the Swedish National Anthem, thank you for asking!
Wow, what a rich culture! You know, I have a friend who's a masseuse!
Phoebe
Oh, ya!
She's not very good, though!
Phoebe
And why do you think that is?
I don't know! Maybe because she's got callousy fingers from playing a crummy guitar!
Phoebe
Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass!
Phoebe
You know it's me?
For a half-hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
Phoebe
How can you come here?
How can you not tell me you work here?
Phoebe
I don't have to tell you everything!
Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Phoebe
Tips not included.
Why did you lie to me about working here?
Phoebe
I was ashamed! I sold out for the cash! They give me benefits like medical and dental and a 401! But you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge, punching a clock, and paying taxes!
If you hate it, you should walk out there and quit! Be true to what you believe in! You have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
Phoebe
You're right, I am going to quit! It's time I took my life back!
[Phoebe leaves the room, then looks up at the ceiling and whispers]
Phoebe
If you guys had microphones in there, I didn't mean that! I love you!
Phoebe
Look, [Long pause] Precious. Mike's not worth this, you're an attractive, intelligent woman and, let's face it, Mike's kind of a wang. I mean, he proposed to me while he was still seeing you, he was gonna break up with you on your birthday? And, I don't like to kiss and tell, but he cheated on you a lot this weekend.
PPrecious
Oh my god, you know? Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't need him. I deserve to be treated with respect [Mike comes in] Screw you, Mike, you're a coward and a bastard and I hope you rot in hell! [Slaps him and leaves]
Phoebe
You're welcome.
Ross, don't forget to take a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge.
[to Monica] You're going to love this cake! I got from from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's!
That place has the creamiest frosting! I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid!
Well, they make make these great novelty cakes in different shapes; and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing!
Did you do a picture of Emma?
On a cake shaped like a bunny!
Does this bakery by any chance bake erotic cakes, for bachelorette parties?
What are you talking? -OH, MY...! They put my baby's face on a penis!
[Everyone rushes to see the cake.]
Phoebe
Now it's a party!
This is not funny! If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!
Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?
I know what you're thinking! The resemblance is uncanny!
[Everyone turns to look at Ross]
[angry] I am THIS close to tugging on my testicles again!!
[on the phone] No, this is NOT what I ordered! I drove to New Jersey to get my daughter a cake for her birthday and I need a bunny cake right now!
Ask them if it would be faster to cut the baby's face off the penis and put it on the bunny. [to himself] That is a weird sentence.
[on the phone with the bakery] Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back. I don't even want it in my home... JOEY, DON'T TOUCH IT!
I still want my daughter's face on a cake, but a bunny cake! Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!
To be fair, this one does have nuts.
Phoebe
So Joey's out with my friend the other night and she reaches over and takes some of his fries...
Phoebe
You know about the plate thing?
Oh, yeah. Joey doesn't share food. I mean just, just lask week we were having breakfast and he had a couple grapes on his plate.
Phoebe
[to Joey] You wouldn't let her have a grape?
[The friends and Emma are at Central Perk and Monica is enjoying a piece of chocolate cake.]
Mmmm...this cake is amazing!
I would get a room with this cake. I could show this cake a good time!
Phoebe
If you had to, what would you give up? Food or sex?
[unimpressed] Seriously, answer faster!
I'm sorry! When she said sex I wasn't thinking about sex with you!
[still feeling hurt] It's like a giant hug!
Phoebe
Ross, how about you? Which would you give up? Sex or food?
Phoebe
How about sex or dinosaurs?
[in a state of uncertainty] My...! It's like Sophie's Choice!
What about you Joe? What would you give up? Sex or food?
[after thinking] I don't know, it's too hard!
No, you have to pick one!
[quickly] Food! No, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Sex...I don't know, I want both! I want girls on bread!
We think Chandler might be having an affair.
Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street, and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.
Phoebe
They went in together. I'm so sorry.
Oh, my... oh, my, that's awful... What did you think of the house?
Phoebe
What?
Monica, you understand what we're saying, right?
Yeah... sure... I'm... devastated, obviously!... Did you think the neighborhood was homey?
[Chandler enters]
Is it me, or have the greetings really gone downhill around here?
Phoebe
And... moment's over! [Rachel, Joey and Chandler all turn and look disapprovingly towards Monica but she just shrugs it off] So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... [She's flipping cards, skipping half of them] Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I [Monica is miming CUT] Ok, ok, I, ok, I.... [Yells at Monica]MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS [she mimes Monica's when she was twirling her hands] OR THIS [She taps her watch] OR THIS [she mimes CUT] OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! [Pause] You know what? You're done.
Phoebe
YOU'RE FIRED! [Pause and she raises her glass] Cheers!
Phoebe
As of today, my name is Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
I thought you had to just make your name Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan!
Phoebe
I can change it to anything I want.
Well, if you can, I can. My name is Crap Bag.
Phoebe
Will you please be Mike Hannigan again?
Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe
How about 'Buffay-Hannigan'?
Phoebe
Yeah. Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan-Bananahammock!
Do you know what a bananahammock is?
Phoebe
It's a funny word!
Phoebe
[pauses] Oh crap!
Chick and the duck? Didn't they die--
Phoebe
--Dive. Yeah, they dove headfirst into fun on the farm.
[the doctor just revealed that the second baby is arriving]
[Phoebe and Ross are driving to John F. Kennedy Airport to find Rachel. Phoebe calls Rachel and tries to convince her to get off the plane in an attempt to stall her]
[Rachel's cell phone rings] Hello?
Phoebe
Rachel! Oh good! Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?
Phoebe
[to Ross:] For what it's worth, we would've caught her if we were at the right airport.
Phoebe
Uh, Rach, hang on. [Phoebe holds out her phone to Ross, but he refuses to talk and repeatedly mouths "No!"]
Phoebe, is everything okay?
Phoebe
Um... actually, no. No, y-you have to get off the plane.
Phoebe
I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left phalange.
[A passenger sitting beside her has been eavesdropping on her conversation and shows signs of worry.]
WPWorried passenger
Um, ahem, what was that?
Oh! That was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane because she had a "feeling" that there was something wrong with the "left phalange".
WPWorried passenger
Okay, uh, that doesn't sound good.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this and you know what? She's almost never right.
WPWorried passenger
But she is sometimes?
[The man gets up from his seat and starts gathering his luggage from the overhead compartment.]
FAFlight attendant
Excuse me, sir? Where you going?
WPWorried passenger
Okay, I have to off this plane, okay? Uh, her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left phalange.
[to flight attendant] Could I get some peanuts?
2P2nd passenger
What's wrong with the plane?
FAFlight attendant
There's nothing wrong with the plane...
WPWorried passenger
The left phalange.
FAFlight attendant
There's no phalange!
WPWorried passenger
Oh my...! This plane doesn't even have a phalange!
2P2nd passenger
Well I'm not flying on it.
FAFlight attendant
Ma'am, please sit down!
3P3rd passenger
What's going on?!
WPWorried passenger
We're all getting off, there is no phalange!
Ah! This is ridiculous! I-- [she sees the passengers leave the plane and decides to leave as well] Yeah, okay.
Friends · 771 quotes
