Phoebe Buffay quotes from Friends

Phoebe

Oh, it's you.

Ross

With vegetarian corndogs! Come on, I just want to talk to you.

Phoebe

Oh, about what? How few ova I have left?

Ross

And I ended up telling him that...

Phoebe

What?

Ross

You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.

Phoebe

What? Why?

Ross

Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.

Phoebe

If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Monica

Really? That scientist guy?

Phoebe

Really? Chandler?

Amy

Yeah, I-I think so. [to Phoebe ] It's nice to meet you, Emma. [Amy holds out her hand to Phoebe]

Phoebe

[she shakes Amy's hand and corrects her] Phoebe.

Amy

Oh, that's a funny noise.

Amy

I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of "Emily".

Ross

Emma.

Amy

[to Phoebe] Emma, Ross wants you.

Phoebe

PHOEBE!

Amy

[whispers to Ross] Why does she keep making that noise?

Rachel

Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my, he's gone!

Phoebe

"Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my, he's gone." Dead on.

Phoebe

Oh god, remember the girls' nights we used to have? Sitting around talking about you and Ross?

Rachel

Oh god, it seems like forever ago!

Phoebe

I know. So what's going on with you and Ross?

Rachel

Well, uhm. I don't know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But actually, right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a little thing.

Phoebe

Oh my god, I love things, what happened?

Rachel

Well, first he told me he liked how i looked and the we had a little... eye contact.

Phoebe

Eye contact? I hope you were using protection.

Phoebe

And I heard him say, as he flew out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

Joey

Wow, you really wrote that?

Phoebe

Uh-huh.

Monica

Wendy's a fat girls name.

Phoebe

Are we still on that?

Monica

No, you're right. Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about snow. Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband's having sex on a copying machine?

Phoebe

[doing a crossword puzzle] Hey, Mike - what's the capital of Peru?

Mike

Lima.

Phoebe

No, it starts with a V and ends in an X. And hopefully with a T-O in the middle.

Mike

You know, you're right. The capital of Peru is Vtox.

Phoebe

Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.

Monica

Your mother killed herself!

Phoebe

She was a drug dealer!

Monica

We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. Does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] How about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel

[raising her hand] I have another idea!

Monica

Sorry, idea time is over!

Phoebe

Are all of the tickets in the bowl?

Monica

Yeah.

Chandler

What about the ones on the nightstand?

Monica

There are no tickets on the nightstand!

Chandler

Yes there are, I saw them a few minutes ago!

Monica

[uncomfortably] No you didn't! You must be mistaken!

Chandler

There were twenty tickets on the nightstand!

Monica

Chandler, sense the tone!

Rachel

Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]

Monica

Fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler!

Phoebe

[gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed!

Ross

I can't believe this! I thought we were all in this together!

Monica

You just got in five minutes ago!

Ross

Three! I don't know why that's important!

Joey

I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut! When did you get those?

Monica

When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey

[sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how!

Rachel

Suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and lose all your friends?

Monica

If I win the lottery you guys are not going to leave me! Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!

Rachel

Chandler, would you tell her that what she did was wrong?!

Chandler

[turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look as though I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles. So screw you, the tickets are ours!! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]

Monica

[jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]

Rachel

Believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from any of us!

Monica

Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!

Rachel

That's it! I want my share of the tickets!

Joey

[snatches the bowl from Rachel] I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf!

Ross

[snatches the bowl from Joey] I want mine too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!

Phoebe

[tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!

Monica

No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!!

Joey

If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea!! [snatches the bowl]

Chandler

Oh yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!!

Ross

If we're going to do that, we should probably call me Daddy, too.

Phoebe

I like that, Daddy.

Ross

I, uh, I was just talking about Rachel.

Phoebe

Oh, is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy going to spank me?

Ross

Well, that depends. Have you been a bad g-- No, I can't.

Phoebe

Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant! [Showcases a top hat and hand-held glasses] This might class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man'!

Monica

Phoebe, maybe I wasn't clear before...I love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is an upscale place!

Phoebe

I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault!

Monica

It's not what you wear, it's your songs! I don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore!

Phoebe

[disappointed] Oh...OK. I'll take the hat back. [puts the hat back in the bag and stamps on it]

Rachel

[After a pause] So...the funniest thing happened at work...

Phoebe

[Interrupting, to Monica] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?!

Rachel

We're still on that!

Monica

I didn't say that!

Phoebe

Then what's wrong with them? They don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?

Monica

Tiny portions?!

Phoebe

"Excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but [Wears the glasses] I cahn't see it! I cahn't see it!"

Monica

It's not about quantity!

Phoebe

It's not about quality!

Monica

You want to talk quality? Ever heard of a key?! It's what some people sing in!!

Phoebe

At least my songs don't taste like garlic! [Monica opens her mouth] There are other ingredients!

Monica

So that's what we're doing?! When I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing earplugs!

Phoebe

Earplugs, or cloves of garlic?

Monica

[Gets up abruptly] I take back what I said before! You keep playing, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales have gone up like crazy!

Phoebe

What are they having? The GARLIC MARTINI?!

Phoebe

[in a fake Swedish accent] Hello, ya! It's time for your massage, ya! Put your face in the hole!

Rachel

Oh, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person!

Phoebe

Then I'm Swedish!

Rachel

What's your name?

Phoebe

A normal Swedish name...Ikea.

Rachel

What an interesting name. You know, I...

Phoebe

[interrupts her and pushes her head down] Time for your scalp massage!

Rachel

[sees Phoebe's shoes through the hole] Wow! I really love- [gasps loudly]

Phoebe

Is something wrong?

Rachel

No, it just...feels so good...Ikea! You'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?

Phoebe

Stockholm.

Rachel

[to herself] Damn, I wish I knew if that was right!