Rachel Green quotes from Friends

Rachel

So I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

Phoebe

Yeah, you wish.

Rachel

Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?

Rachel

Gee, what? What is wrong with New Year's?

Chandler

Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud!

Rachel

Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

Phoebe

Yeah, you wish!

Rachel

Oh, and -- and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts.

Monica

What's a niffle?

Joey

You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.

Rachel

All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist...

Ross

Wait! Did you get to the part about "his huge, throbbing pens"? I tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

Phoebe

I just got to the part about "her public hair."

Chandler

[interrupting] Rachel, can I just say something?

Rachel

WHAT?!

Chandler

That's a loose weave. I can still see your uh... "nipular" area.

Ross

All right, all right. We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.

Chandler

You know, I don't see that happening.

Rachel

C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.

Chandler

Well, I'm not showing you my tat.

Rachel

You are supposed to be in there so i can see your thing.

Chandler

Sorry. My-my thing was in there with me.

Chandler

Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Rachel

No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

Rachel

Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?

Monica

Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.

Phoebe

Ha, ha, ha!

Monica

What?

Phoebe

"Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black."

Rachel

I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?

Ross

No, not this time. [he folds] So what'd you have?

Rachel

I'm not telling.

Ross

Come on, show them to me. [He reaches for her cards. Rachel covers them up]

Rachel

No!

Ross

Show them to me!

Rachel

Get your hands out of there! No!

Ross

Let me see! Show them!

Chandler

You know, I've had dates like this.

Ross

Your money is mine, Green.

Rachel

Your fly is open, Geller!

Rachel

[To Ross] Boy you really can't stand to lose can you, your face is getting red and little veins popping out of your temple.

Phoebe

Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants.

Rachel

Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica

Still... it's just such reckless spending.

Ross

I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler

Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica

That was me.

Chandler

Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel

No, forget it.

Chandler

Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

Rachel

All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.

Joey

All right!

Ross

Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?

Rachel

No.

Ross

You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?

Rachel

No, it was just the three of us.

Ross

Huh!

Joey

So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Phoebe

That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

Ross

Carol's late. She's going into labor and still in the cab.

Rachel

Don't worry Ross. It's probably $2.00 for the first contraction and 75 cents for each additional contraction. [laughs, sees that everyone's looking at her] What? It's okay when Chandler does it?!

Chandler

You gotta pick your moments.

Phoebe

[regarding Ross' birthday gift to Rachel] I can't believe he got you that! It must've cost him a fortune!

Chandler

Oh, come on. Ross? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and got her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

Rachel

What did you just say?

Chandler

[Realizing he'd just revealed Ross' feelings, he stumbles] Crystal duck.

Rachel

No, no, the love part.

Chandler

[Hyperventilating] Flennen!

Rachel

Oh, my...!

Chandler

[rubbing his temples] Oh, no, no, no!

Joey

That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time