Rachel Green quotes from Friends

Rachel?!

Rachel

Oh, Monica, hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

WWaitress

Can I get you some coffee?

[Pointing at Rachel] De-caff. [To the gang] Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. [To Rachel] This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel

Hi, sure!

Hi.

[They go to hug but Ross' umbrella opens. he sits, defeated again]

[A moment of silence where Rachel sits; the others expect her to explain]

So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel

Oh... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- [to waitress]Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. [To Monica] So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

S1 E1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)

-who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel

Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

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Rachel

[Excited] Guess what?

You got a job?

Rachel

Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.

And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

Rachel

Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off.

S1 E1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)

Oh, how well you know me.

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[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit card]

Cut, cut, cut...

EEverybody

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Rachel

[cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...

Rachel, that was a library card.

[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts up her credit card]

You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

S1 E1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)

[to Rachel] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.

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I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Yeah, and -- and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that -- that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.

You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.

Rachel

Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Are we still talking about sex?

S1 E2 The One Sonogram at the End

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Rachel

You're a twin?

Oh, yeah. We don't speak. She's, like, this...high-powered, driven, career type.

What does she do?

She's a waitress.

S1 E2 The One Sonogram at the End

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There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Oh! Satan's minions at work again.

Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.

What are you talking about? Keep it!

It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!

Rachel

Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

S1 E3 The One with the Thumb

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Rachel

Phoebe?

Hmm?

Rachel

Who is George Snuffleupagus?

He's Big Bird's friend. [laughs]

S1 E4 The One with George Stephanopoulos

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It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel

Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

We can? All right, I'm trying that.

You know what blows my mind? Women can see breast whenever they want, you just look down and they are there! How you get any work done is beyond me.

You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.

[Long Pause]

... Multiple Orgasms!

S1 E5 The One with the East German Laundry Detergent

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[Ross draws his laundry detergent]

Rachel

What is that?

Überweiss! It's new, it's German, it's Extra tough

S1 E5 The One with the East German Laundry Detergent

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[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]

Rachel

Come on, someone go.

OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.

That's my sister.

OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.

Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?

Phoebs, what about you?

Oh um... Milwaukee.

Rachel

Um... Ross?

Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Ooh, Rachel.

Rachel

Oh come on, I already went.

You did not go.

Rachel

All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.

Step back...