Rachel Green quotes from Friends

Rachel

I wonder why Ross said that he died?

Monica

Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.

Chandler

He saw a therapist?

Monica

He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.

Rachel

Wow, what was it?

Monica

That I was going to eat him.

Rachel

[Rachel's cell phone rings] Hello?

Monica

Hey, Rach, it's me. Okay, I just got to Chandler's room, and I caught him... molesting himself.

Rachel

Ohh... that couldn't have been pretty. But you know? Guys do that.

Monica

Yeah? Uh, well, the weird part is... he was getting off... to a shark attack show!

Rachel

[gasp] No!

Monica

Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!

Rachel

Oh, no! What if she jumps out the of the basinet!

Ross

Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.

Rachel

Oh, my...! I left the water running!

Ross

Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please just...just pull yourself together okay?

Rachel

Did I leave the stove on?

Ross

You haven't cooked since 1996!

Rachel

Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and --

Ross

Oh, my, you know what, I think you're right! I think -- you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!

Rachel

[beat] Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

Ross

Guess what? Emma laughed today!

Rachel

What? And I missed it 'cause I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? What'd you do to get her to laugh?

Ross

Well, I sang... I rapped... 'Baby Got Back'.

Rachel

What? You sang to our baby daughter a song about a man who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?

Ross

Well... if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even women with big bottoms, or juicy doubles, can... [Sees how angry Rachel is] Please don't take her away from me.

Ross

You sang "Baby Got Back," didn't you?

Rachel

Nothing else works, this girl is all about the ass!

Amy

You know, this is classic Rachel!

Rachel

Yeah, right! Remember in high school, when I died and didn't give you my baby?

Amy

This might be my one chance to have a child. You know that I've been busy focusing on my career.

Rachel

What career?

Amy

I'm a decorator!

Rachel

You decorate Dad's office and you're a decorator! Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday. Now I'm a koala bear!

Amy

Why can't you be supportive?

Rachel

You want to talk supportive? You didn't come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby!

Amy

You didn't come and see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done!

Rachel

I did the first time! And do you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?

Ross

It's Emma.

Rachel

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?! [to Amy] I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responsibility of a child!

Amy

How hard could it be? You do it! [Joey laughs but stops when everyone stares at him.] You want to know why you don't want me to have the baby? Because you don't want me to be happy! You have always been jealous of me!

Rachel

Of what? Your lack of responsibility? Your immaturity? Your total disregard for other peoples' feelings?

Amy

To name a few!

Chandler

All right, that's it!! This is our apartment and you can't behave this way! If you can't act your age, you shouldn't be here at all! Those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out, but they're important to Monica! And I want you to apologize to her right now!

Amy

I'm sorry.

Rachel

I'm so sorry!

Chandler

That's better! Now I want you to apologize to each other, and mean it!

Chandler

By the way, that fight was totally arousing!

Ross

[to Chandler] Well done! If I die, Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma!

Chandler

Really? Thanks!

Ross

So... now do I get Joey?

Chandler

Okay. But you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose!

Who is it?

Amy

It's your favorite sister!

Jill?

Amy

Amy!

Rachel

Hide my rings!

Rachel

Emma, this is your first thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?

Ross

A lot of people are thankful for those.

Rachel

Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my, he's gone!

Phoebe

"Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my, he's gone." Dead on.

Phoebe

Oh god, remember the girls' nights we used to have? Sitting around talking about you and Ross?

Rachel

Oh god, it seems like forever ago!

Phoebe

I know. So what's going on with you and Ross?

Rachel

Well, uhm. I don't know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But actually, right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a little thing.

Phoebe

Oh my god, I love things, what happened?

Rachel

Well, first he told me he liked how i looked and the we had a little... eye contact.

Phoebe

Eye contact? I hope you were using protection.

Monica

So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?

Chandler

No, I sent everyone home.

Monica

You are such a good boss.

Chandler

Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.

Monica

Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.

Chandler

Well, yeah...

Joey

Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.

Monica

You're alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?

Chandler

Well... The second prettiest that year. If you count it now, she's probably the...

Rachel

Oh, Chandler, stop talking.

Rachel

I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us, but I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment.

Ross

None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me.

Monica

[On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?

Rachel

No, why?

Monica

Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!

Rachel

[Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!

Monica

[Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]

Monica

[To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!

Joey

Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!

Monica

No, we weren't.

Joey

Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

Chandler

[Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.

Joey

Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]

Monica

You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!

Joey

Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.

No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.

Joey

Hey, I gotta. Unless...

Chandler

Unless what?

Joey

Unless you name your first-born child Joey.

Chandler

What? Why?

Joey

Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.

Chandler

Your family name is Tribbiani.

Joey

[Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

Rachel

Are you saying that women can't do it?

Joey

Women can do it; you can't.

Rachel

Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?

Monica

[to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.

Rachel

Well, I found the hardware store by myself!

Joey

The hardware store's just down the street.

Rachel

There's a hardware store down the street?