Rachel Green quotes from Friends

Rachel

Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?

Joey

Because she is!

Monica

Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.

Joey

Mm-hmm! For your boob job!

It's over, Joe!

Joey

Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

Monica

We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. Does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] How about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel

[raising her hand] I have another idea!

Monica

Sorry, idea time is over!

Phoebe

Are all of the tickets in the bowl?

Monica

Yeah.

Chandler

What about the ones on the nightstand?

Monica

There are no tickets on the nightstand!

Chandler

Yes there are, I saw them a few minutes ago!

Monica

[uncomfortably] No you didn't! You must be mistaken!

Chandler

There were twenty tickets on the nightstand!

Monica

Chandler, sense the tone!

Rachel

Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]

Monica

Fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler!

Phoebe

[gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed!

Ross

I can't believe this! I thought we were all in this together!

Monica

You just got in five minutes ago!

Ross

Three! I don't know why that's important!

Joey

I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut! When did you get those?

Monica

When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey

[sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how!

Rachel

Suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and lose all your friends?

Monica

If I win the lottery you guys are not going to leave me! Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!

Rachel

Chandler, would you tell her that what she did was wrong?!

Chandler

[turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look as though I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles. So screw you, the tickets are ours!! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]

Monica

[jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]

Rachel

Believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from any of us!

Monica

Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!

Rachel

That's it! I want my share of the tickets!

Joey

[snatches the bowl from Rachel] I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf!

Ross

[snatches the bowl from Joey] I want mine too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!

Phoebe

[tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!

Monica

No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!!

Joey

If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea!! [snatches the bowl]

Chandler

Oh yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!!

Monica

[about Emma] How do you know she's gonna start talking?

Rachel

Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.

Chandler

Kind of like Joey...

Phoebe

Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant! [Showcases a top hat and hand-held glasses] This might class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man'!

Monica

Phoebe, maybe I wasn't clear before...I love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is an upscale place!

Phoebe

I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault!

Monica

It's not what you wear, it's your songs! I don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore!

Phoebe

[disappointed] Oh...OK. I'll take the hat back. [puts the hat back in the bag and stamps on it]

Rachel

[After a pause] So...the funniest thing happened at work...

Phoebe

[Interrupting, to Monica] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?!

Rachel

We're still on that!

Monica

I didn't say that!

Phoebe

Then what's wrong with them? They don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?

Monica

Tiny portions?!

Phoebe

"Excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but [Wears the glasses] I cahn't see it! I cahn't see it!"

Monica

It's not about quantity!

Phoebe

It's not about quality!

Monica

You want to talk quality? Ever heard of a key?! It's what some people sing in!!

Phoebe

At least my songs don't taste like garlic! [Monica opens her mouth] There are other ingredients!

Monica

So that's what we're doing?! When I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing earplugs!

Phoebe

Earplugs, or cloves of garlic?

Monica

[Gets up abruptly] I take back what I said before! You keep playing, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales have gone up like crazy!

Phoebe

What are they having? The GARLIC MARTINI?!

Monica

Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.

Rachel

All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be...

Rachel

Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?

Monica

What the hell are you cooking?

Rachel

Joey, why won't you invite us to your parties?

Joey

Well you're fine, ok, but everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people.

Rachel

Well then, so just invite me.

Joey

Please, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one.

Phoebe

[in a fake Swedish accent] Hello, ya! It's time for your massage, ya! Put your face in the hole!

Rachel

Oh, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person!

Phoebe

Then I'm Swedish!

Rachel

What's your name?

Phoebe

A normal Swedish name...Ikea.

Rachel

What an interesting name. You know, I...

Phoebe

[interrupts her and pushes her head down] Time for your scalp massage!

Rachel

[sees Phoebe's shoes through the hole] Wow! I really love- [gasps loudly]

Phoebe

Is something wrong?

Rachel

No, it just...feels so good...Ikea! You'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?

Phoebe

Stockholm.

Rachel

[to herself] Damn, I wish I knew if that was right!

Phoebe

[singing] Ipan stripan glupi glapi! And that's the Swedish National Anthem, thank you for asking!

Rachel

Wow, what a rich culture! You know, I have a friend who's a masseuse!

Phoebe

Oh, ya!

Rachel

She's not very good, though!

Phoebe

And why do you think that is?

Rachel

I don't know! Maybe because she's got callousy fingers from playing a crummy guitar!

Phoebe

Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass!

Rachel

[turns up] PHOEBE!!

Phoebe

You know it's me?

Rachel

For a half-hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!

Phoebe

How can you come here?

Rachel

How can you not tell me you work here?

Phoebe

I don't have to tell you everything!

Rachel

Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!

Phoebe

Tips not included.

Rachel

Why did you lie to me about working here?

Phoebe

I was ashamed! I sold out for the cash! They give me benefits like medical and dental and a 401! But you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge, punching a clock, and paying taxes!

Rachel

If you hate it, you should walk out there and quit! Be true to what you believe in! You have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!

Phoebe

You're right, I am going to quit! It's time I took my life back!

Rachel

Good for you, Pheebs!

Phoebe

If you guys had microphones in there, I didn't mean that! I love you!

Ross

I may get to speak at this Paleontology conversion, and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.

Chandler

I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff, and/or are sick.

Ross

It's in Barbados.

Chandler

But you come first!

Rachel

I'm there.

Ross

But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...

Charlie

What?

Joey

He said "erectus"!

Charlie

You're... you're kidding, right?

Joey

No, he really said it.

Ross

... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...

Joey

Erectus?

Rachel

Homo.

Ross

Fajitas! Be careful. Very hot plate, very hot!

Rachel

Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!

Ross

[laughs] That is gonna hurt tomorrow!

Ross

Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?

Rachel

[to Joey and Charlie] Oh my, are we supposed to answer?

Ross

O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own.

Rachel

Ross, you don't seem okay.

Ross

[starts crying] I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining! I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.

Ross

I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just, I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension.

Rachel

No awareness.

Rachel

But do you think that maybe, on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?

Joey

No, I don't have another level.