[regarding Ross' birthday gift to Rachel] I can't believe he got you that! It must've cost him a fortune!
Oh, come on. Ross? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and got her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
[Realizing he'd just revealed Ross' feelings, he stumbles] Crystal duck.
[Hyperventilating] Flennen!
[rubbing his temples] Oh, no, no, no!
JoeyThat's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time
Ah. All this time he was in love with me. [Moving near Joey] What else did he say? He wanted to ask me out for a coffee?
Joey
Given that he is desperately in love with you, I'd bet he would like to have a cup of coffee.
[Rachel gets ready to go find Ross in airport]
What about the time difference?
[Rachel picks her coat and starts out]
What you gonna say to him?
I don't know, maybe if i see him i will know.
[Picks up Ross's photo and walks to Rach] How about now? [Phoebes keeps Ross's photo up her face and acts like Ross] Does this help?
[yells] HEY. I LOVE YOU TOO.! Deal with me first.
Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a second?
Joey
Sure.
Your tailor...is a very bad man!
Joey
Frankie? What are you talking about?
[Ross comes near]
Joey's tailor [Pauses for a moment] took advantage of me.
Joey
Frank? No No. I have been going to the man for like 12 years.
He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite...
Joey
What?
Joey
That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Yes yes, it is...IN PRISON!! What's the matter with you?!
This is my son having lunch, OK? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.
[They go back into the living room]
Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
Joey
Uh, does it hurt?
It did at first, but not anymore.
Joey
Chandler?
So, uh, how often can you do it?
Joey
Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.
Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month! AND I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
[everyone gasps and turns to Pheobe]:
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?
What have I not told you?
[smiling] Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!
WHAT?! Wait a minute! Who told you?!
[everyone's gasped and is running for the window except Chandler. Monica turns to him]:
I didn't know it was a big secret.
[smiles] Oh, it's not big. Not at all. Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a THIRD NIPPLE!
[everyone gasps from the window before coming to rush around Chandler]:
Whip it out, whip it out!
Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!
Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey
I can't believe you- you told me it was a nubbin!
Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?
Joey
I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.
Eeveryone
Lemme see it! Show us! I wanna see!
JOEY WAS IN A PORNO MOVIE!
[Everyone gasps including Joey, angrily pointing at Chandler]:
If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
[Ross, Chandler and Monica bought tickets for Hootie and the Blowfish concert for themselves and the others.]
I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
Joey
Me, too.
Guys, we bought the tickets.
Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Why did you look at me when you said that?
[Joey and Chandler are babysitting Ben.]
Joey
It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.
JCJoey and Chandler
Hello.
CCaroline
And who is this little cutie-pie?
Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
Joey
You wanna smell him?
CCaroline
I assume we're talking about the baby now.
[Joey and Chandler are trying to find Ben with two possible babies to choose from, one wearing a duck shirt, the other clowns, by flipping a coin]
Joey
Let's do ducks for heads, cause ducks have heads
[After a pause] What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
[Joey has just gotten two terrible reviews of his acting in a play.]
Joey
I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.
Joey
No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."
Joey
My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!
Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.
[attending a lesbian wedding]
Joey
It just seems so futile. You know? All these women, and nothin'! I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Now you understand how I feel every single day. The world is my lesbian wedding.
[The gang observes a video of a young, fat Monica getting ready for prom.]
Joey
Some girl ate Monica!
Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds!
Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?
I'll just turn your bedroom into a game room or something. You know, put the foosball table in there.
Joey
Whoa. Why do you get to keep the table?
I did pay for half of it.
Joey
Yeah, and I paid for the other half.
All right, I'll tell you what: I'll play you for it.
Joey
All right, you're on. I could take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass!
Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister!
Joey
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister?
Friends · 771 quotes
