Joey Tribbiani quotes from Friends

Rachel

Well, maybe they could find a way to bring you back.

Joey

Nah, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor who could have saved me was me. It's supposed to be some kind of irony.

Joey

Hey, Gunther. Let me get a lemonade to go.

Gunther

Lemonade? You okay, man?

Joey

[Pulling out a sandwich] Want half of my sandwich?

Rachel

What kind is it?

Joey

Ham and olive spread, no mayo.

Rachel

[Sarcastically] Right, right, 'cause mayo would make it gross.

Ross

Yeah.

Joey

I mean, by someone besides Monica.

Ross

No.

Chandler

Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.

Joey

Quick volleyball question.

Chandler

Volleyball?

Joey

Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?

Chandler

Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

Monica

Joey, they're not real.

Joey

...Uh, what?

Monica

Mine start miles beneath the surface. See. [squeezes one twice, it goes "HONK, HONK"]

Chandler

Wow, it's like porno for clowns.

Joey

These people are stupid. It's Count Rushmore!

Chandler

You know, you should really go on this show!

Joey

Look, what do you want me to say?

Chandler

I want you to say that you like her!

Joey

I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna... pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.

Chandler

Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way, there is no "Count Rushmore"!

Joey

Oh, yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

So, I hear you hate me.

Joey

I didn't say "hate", I was really careful about that.

A little birdie said something about ripping your arm off and throwing it at me.

Joey

You got "hate" from that?

Chandler

That is so-not-the-opposite of taking someone's UNDERWEAR!

Joey

Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?!

You have two new messages.

Joey

[Laughs] What a cool job. [Answering Machine voice] "You have two new messages."

Joey

[Answering Machine voice] "Please pass the pie."

Joey

Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is: You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

Chandler

Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!

Joey

Look at me - I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando!

Chandler

Ugh UGH!

Joey

Phew! I tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any - you know - lunges!

Joey

Aww. [tastes it] OHHHH!

Chandler

Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked [holds up one hand], or, or a big tub of jam. [holds up the other hand]

Joey

[nods] Put your hands together!

Monica

[looking over possible sperm donors] Okay, all right, how's this? 27, Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. [Everyone looks at Joey] Oh, my God. Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule!"

Joey

Yeah, the Knicks rule!

Monica

Don't do that guy thing where you go all distant and mean, just so that WE'LL break up with you.

Joey

You know about that?