Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Rachel

Ross, you don't seem okay.

Ross

[starts crying] I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining! I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.

Ross

I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just, I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension.

Rachel

No awareness.

Alright Mr. Geller, right this way. So, how dark do you want to be? We have 1, 2, or 3.

Ross

Well uh, I like how you look, what are you?

Puerto Rican.

Ross

Two, I think, a two.

Ross

Is Emma awake yet?

Rachel

It's still nap time. She'll be up soon.

Ross

Where's Joey?

Rachel

I said, it's still nap time.

Ross

There's Uncle Joey! Say something to Emma for her 18th birthday!

Joey

[starts to turn on his charm for the camera] 18, huh?

Ross

[switches off the camera] NO!

Joey

It's for her hot friends!

Ross

When they see this you'll be 52!

Joey

And starting to think about settling down!

Rachel

Ross, don't forget to take a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge.

Ross

Sure.

Rachel

[to Monica] You're going to love this cake! I got from from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's!

Monica

That place has the creamiest frosting! I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid!

Rachel

Well, they make make these great novelty cakes in different shapes; and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing!

Monica

Did you do a picture of Emma?

Rachel

On a cake shaped like a bunny!

Ross

Does this bakery by any chance bake erotic cakes, for bachelorette parties?

Rachel

What are you talking? -OH, MY...! They put my baby's face on a penis!

Phoebe

Now it's a party!

Rachel

This is not funny! If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!

Joey

Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?

Judy

Jack, look at this!

Jack

I know what you're thinking! The resemblance is uncanny!

Ross

[angry] I am THIS close to tugging on my testicles again!!

Rachel

[on the phone] No, this is NOT what I ordered! I drove to New Jersey to get my daughter a cake for her birthday and I need a bunny cake right now!

Ross

Ask them if it would be faster to cut the baby's face off the penis and put it on the bunny. [to himself] That is a weird sentence.

Rachel

[on the phone with the bakery] Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back. I don't even want it in my home... JOEY, DON'T TOUCH IT!

Joey

I'm so confused!

Rachel

I still want my daughter's face on a cake, but a bunny cake! Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!

Chandler

To be fair, this one does have nuts.

Ross

While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma?

Chandler

Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?

Charlie

[to Ross] Hey, I have some time, if you wanna... [smiles seductively]

Ross

Oh, I'd love to, but I really have to grade these papers.

Charlie

Fine, I'll just shower by myself...

Ross

[frenzied scribbling] B, B, B!

Charlie

Uh, Ross, you just gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalog.

Ross

It had some good ideas. Take off your shirt.

Charlie

Wait, are you talking about the Dewar grant?

Ross

Yeah, why?

Charlie

Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant.

Ross

Your ex-boyfriend?

Charlie

Yeah.

Ross

So your ex-boyfriend is going to determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed.

Ross

There's no way around it, Pheebs. You just got to accept the fact that this is going to cost you a lot of money.

Mike

I heard that weddings are, like, a 40 billion dollar a year industry.

Ross

Yeah, and I'm responsible for just, like, half of that.

Chandler

We don't feel we can host Thanksgiving this year.

Joey

What?

Ross

Are you kidding?

Chandler

Well, just with work and the stress of adoption we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us.

Ross

That doesn't sound like you. That's Monica talking!

Chandler

No, no, we made this decision together.

Ross

She's putting words in your mouth!

Joey

Don't you put words in people's mouths. You put turkey in people's mouths.

Ross

So, what do you think?

Joey

I think were not wearing the same shirt anymore!

Joey

Dude, I don't think you should be wearing that.

Ross

Oh, I see. Somebody's afraid of a little competition with the ladies?

Joey

It looks like someone is the ladies!

Monica

Mmmm...this cake is amazing!

Rachel

[repulsed] Get a room!

Monica

I would get a room with this cake. I could show this cake a good time!

Phoebe

If you had to, what would you give up? Food or sex?

Monica

[quickly] Sex.

Chandler

[unimpressed] Seriously, answer faster!

Monica

I'm sorry! When she said sex I wasn't thinking about sex with you!

Chandler

[still feeling hurt] It's like a giant hug!

Phoebe

Ross, how about you? Which would you give up? Sex or food?

Ross

[quickly] Food!

Phoebe

How about sex or dinosaurs?

Ross

[in a state of uncertainty] My...! It's like Sophie's Choice!

Rachel

What about you Joe? What would you give up? Sex or food?

Joey

[after thinking] I don't know, it's too hard!

Rachel

No, you have to pick one!

Joey

[quickly] Food! No, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Sex...I don't know, I want both! I want girls on bread!

Ross

We think Chandler might be having an affair.

Monica

What?

Rachel

Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street, and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.

Phoebe

They went in together. I'm so sorry.

Monica

Oh, my... oh, my, that's awful... What did you think of the house?

Phoebe

What?

Joey

Monica, you understand what we're saying, right?

Monica

Yeah... sure... I'm... devastated, obviously!... Did you think the neighborhood was homey?

Chandler

Hey!

Joey

You son of a bitch.

Chandler

Is it me, or have the greetings really gone downhill around here?

Chandler

Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?

Ross

Well, then, who was on my bed?

Monica

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ross

[pause, then it hits] No! No! No!

Monica

Yes!

Ross

You were under the pile of coats?

Monica

I was the pile of coats!

Ross

Oh my...!

Monica

You were my midnight mystery kisser?

Ross

You were my first kiss with Rachel?

Monica

You were my first kiss ever?

Chandler

What did I marry into?

Chandler

[When he finds out he won't be in the wedding] I can't believe this it's like figure skating team all over again. I mean synchronized swimming, I mean the balance beam - help me!

Ross

Football!

Chandler

Thank you!