Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Rachel

Emma, this is your first thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?

Ross

A lot of people are thankful for those.

Monica

[about Emma's new nanny, Molly] What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.

Ross

Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.

Ross

Ya, ho.. ya. OK, sure, look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?

Chandler

Sure, just gimme a second to get all huffy and weird like you. *harrumphing* Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do, I mean come on!

Rachel

I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us, but I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment.

Ross

None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me.

Ross

I'm dead and no one cares.

Monica

I look like a man!

Chandler

Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.

Monica

We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. Does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] How about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel

[raising her hand] I have another idea!

Monica

Sorry, idea time is over!

Phoebe

Are all of the tickets in the bowl?

Monica

Yeah.

Chandler

What about the ones on the nightstand?

Monica

There are no tickets on the nightstand!

Chandler

Yes there are, I saw them a few minutes ago!

Monica

[uncomfortably] No you didn't! You must be mistaken!

Chandler

There were twenty tickets on the nightstand!

Monica

Chandler, sense the tone!

Rachel

Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]

Monica

Fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler!

Phoebe

[gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed!

Ross

I can't believe this! I thought we were all in this together!

Monica

You just got in five minutes ago!

Ross

Three! I don't know why that's important!

Joey

I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut! When did you get those?

Monica

When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey

[sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how!

Rachel

Suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and lose all your friends?

Monica

If I win the lottery you guys are not going to leave me! Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!

Rachel

Chandler, would you tell her that what she did was wrong?!

Chandler

[turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look as though I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles. So screw you, the tickets are ours!! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]

Monica

[jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]

Rachel

Believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from any of us!

Monica

Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!

Rachel

That's it! I want my share of the tickets!

Joey

[snatches the bowl from Rachel] I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf!

Ross

[snatches the bowl from Joey] I want mine too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!

Phoebe

[tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!

Monica

No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!!

Joey

If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea!! [snatches the bowl]

Chandler

Oh yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!!

Ross

If we're going to do that, we should probably call me Daddy, too.

Phoebe

I like that, Daddy.

Ross

I, uh, I was just talking about Rachel.

Phoebe

Oh, is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy going to spank me?

Ross

Well, that depends. Have you been a bad g-- No, I can't.

Monica

Why don't you take Ross?

Ross

Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...

Monica

No, not if their room has two beds!

Ross

[Browsing the brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... [Enthusiastically] moonlight boat ride!

Ross

Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.

Chandler

OK, how about this? [Picks up the remote control]

Ross

No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!

Chandler

Yes, but the batteries...

Chandler

Thank you, thank you very much!

Ross

Let's celebrate with some maple candy!

Chandler

No!

Ross

At least tell me where you hid it.

Chandler

I got you something from Vermont! [Sits down at the table]

Monica

[Without looking up from what she's doing] Besides tampons and salt? [;;Then looks] Ooh! My...! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. [Opens the box] That's weird... it's empty!

Ross

[Sounds excited] Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out... or... ? [Looks around the room nervously] do you... do you guys hear a buzzing?

Ross

I may get to speak at this Paleontology conversion, and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.

Chandler

I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff, and/or are sick.

Ross

It's in Barbados.

Chandler

But you come first!

Rachel

I'm there.

Ross

But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...

Charlie

What?

Joey

He said "erectus"!

Charlie

You're... you're kidding, right?

Joey

No, he really said it.

Ross

... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...

Joey

Erectus?

Rachel

Homo.

Charlie

There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I um... I kind of realized I was starting to have feelings for someone else.

Ross

Can I... can I ask who?

Charlie

I think you know.

Ross

I think I know too, but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past.

Ross

Fajitas! Be careful. Very hot plate, very hot!

Rachel

Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!

Ross

[laughs] That is gonna hurt tomorrow!

Ross

Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?

Rachel

[to Joey and Charlie] Oh my, are we supposed to answer?

Ross

O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own.