Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Phoebe

I didn't know Playboy prints jokes.

Ross

Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not just about the pictures!

Monica

It didn't work on Mom. It's not going to work on us.

Ross

Hey, Joey, look -- Playboy printed my joke!

Joey

[Joey reads it and makes a slight chuckle] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jokes? But... You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?

Ross

Sorry your husband cheated on you.

Rachel

And I'm sorry your wife is gay. I guess women ain't that great either, huh?

Ross

Try telling my wife that.

Ross

I studied ka-ra-te for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.

Rachel

Isn't that a kind of sushi?

Ross

No, it's a concep--

Phoebe

Yeah, it is, it is. It's freshwater eel.

Ross

Okay, maybe it means that, too.

Ross

Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.

Phoebe

You mean, in case someone's trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?

Phoebe

Now, we can kick anybody's ass!

Rachel

Yeah!

Ross

After one class? I don't think so.

Rachel

What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!

Ross

Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.

Rachel

Isn't that a kind of sushi?

Ross

No, it's a concept.

Phoebe

Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel.

Ross

All right, maybe it means that too.

Rachel

Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.

Ross

Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!

Chandler

So, who is she?

Ross

I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.

Joey

Well, do you still have their final exams?

Ross

Yeah.

Joey

Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer.

Chandler

A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man.

Ross

All right, a joke -- lighten the mood. Two guys walk into a bar, and one of them is Irish.

Paul

I'm Irish.

Ross

... And the Irish guy wins the joke.

So, Ross what's your problem?

Ross

Excuse me?

Paul

Why can't you get a girlfriend your own age?

Elizabeth

What's wrong?

Ross

I'm sorry, I was just thinking about your father.

Elizabeth

Okay... well, whatever works for you.

Elizabeth

[while making out at the cabin] Hey umm, you brought protection right?

Ross

Why? Are there like bears or something? [looks around nervously and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no] Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.

Ross

Hey, when we were married, you know what I never got? Uh, sex.

Rachel

Uh, yeah, well, no ring, no sex- big surprise.

Phoebe

Get me a musket and we'll talk.

Phoebe

You know, I think my grandmother would be proud that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I'm sure she's looking up at us and smiling.

Ross

Looking up?

Phoebe

Oh, yeah! She was nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.

Ross

[quietly to Chandler] How could you tell her?!

Chandler

I had to! We're getting married! Couples can't keep secrets from one another!

Ross

Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City!

Chandler

DU-UUUDE!!

Monica

What happened in Atlantic City?

Ross

Chandler and I are in a bar...

Chandler

Did you not hear me say DU-UUUDE?!

Ross

...and this girl is making eyes at him. After a while he goes over to her, and a minute later I see them kissing. Now you're thinking, "Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls!" And you're right, he's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls! [widens his eyes]

Monica

You kissed a guy?!

Chandler

In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy!

Ross

I laughed so hard...

Chandler

...that we had to throw out your underwear again?!

Ross

Whatever, dude! You kissed a guy!

Chandler

In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!

Ross

Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!

Chandler

Ross came in fourth and cried!

Ross

Hey!! I welled up!

Ross

You find that funny? Maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets!

Monica

I already told him everything! You shush!

Ross

Once, Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewellery box she made!

Monica

Ross used to stay home every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!

Ross

Monica couldn't tell time till she was 13!

Monica

It's hard for some people!!

Chandler

Of course it is! [secretly backs off and mouths 'whoa']

Monica

Chandler once wore my underwear to work!

Chandler

HEY!!

Monica

I'm sorry! I couldn't think of any more for Ross!

Ross

In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!

Chandler

That was you!

Ross

Whatever, dude! You kissed a guy!

Rachel

Hey, look, look. Phoebe's talking to "Cute Coffeehouse Guy."

Ross

You guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy? We call him "Hums While He Pees."

Chandler

Yes, and we call Ross "Lingers in the Bathroom."

Phoebe

[walks in] Hey, you guys -- "Hums While He Pees" just asked me out!