Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Ross

They found a Paleozoic amphibian in the jaws of a Mesozoic mastodon! How did it get there?

Joey

Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.

Rachel

check it out!

Ross

what... what is that?

Joey

what the hell is that?

Rachel

it's a cat

Joey

that is not at cat

Rachel

yes, it is

Ross

why is it inside out?

Joey

Who would you rather sleep with: Monica or Rachel?

Ross

Dude, you are sick.

Joey

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

Rachel

[talking on the phone, drunk] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol. And you know, we would like some more beers, too... hello? Oh, wait... I forgot to dial!

Ross

That must be our alcohol and beers!

Ross

Wanna hear something weird?

Phoebe

Always!

Ross

Rachel and me are still married.

Phoebe

What?

Ross

I didn't get the annulment. We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. Okay, see you later...

Monica

What are you guys gonna do?

Rachel

Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer.

Chandler

Well, I think, I think... Ross already has one.

Monica

Yeah, yeah, that guy's finally gonna be able to put in that pool.

Ross

Ha, okay...

Chandler

Now, this one's free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so you get the third one for free...

Ross

Laugh it up! ...but the joke's on you... because we don't need to get divorced... okay? We're just gonna get an annulment.

Joey

An annulment?! Ross... I don't think surgery's the answer here!

Ross

I just don't want my tombstone to read, "Ross Geller: Three divorces."

Phoebe

Don't feel worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, "Ross Geller: Good at Marriage!" Y'know? Mine's going to say "Phoebe Buffay: Buried Alive."

Ross

We were drunk! I would've married Joey with that amount of alcohol!

Phoebe

Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!

Okay, you two are asking the court for an annulment?

Rachel

Yes, your honor, and here are... are forms, all filled out.

So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.

Ross

Fine, I'm mentally unstable.

And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.

Ross

What?!

Rachel

Uh, yes, heroin and crack.

Ross

Crack isn't even an intravenous drug!

Rachel

Well, you would know.

Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?

Ross

Oh, come on!

Rachel

Ross, please, I found the magazines!

And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you're gay and addicted to heroin...

Ross

I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there will be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically, you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and live forever as a machine!

Chandler

And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

Rachel

[Referring to her boss Kim] She doesn't like me very much.

Chandler

That's great. Because my boss doesn't like me either.

Monica

My boss doesn't like me either.

Ross

Maybe it's like a universal thing.

Joey

Or maybe because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.

[In chorus] Let's get off to work...

Ross

It tastes like feet!

Joey

I like it!

Ross

Are you serious?

Joey

What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Beef, GOOD!

Monica

Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did.

Ross

Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.

Monica

Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year.

Ross

Monica and Chandler are living together!

Monica

Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, AGAIN!

Phoebe

I love Jacques Cousteau!

Rachel

I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!

Joey

I wanna gooooo!

Judy

That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you're in an important relationship is beyond me.

Jack

And we kinda figured about the porch swing.

Ross

And that's the story of the dreidel. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolizing life's triumph over death. And that was, like, four thousand years ago.

Rachel

So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.

Ross

You know what I think?... She's weird. It's because she's a twin. Twins are weird.

Rachel

Ross, she is not weird. She just likes her stuff to be one-of-a-kind.

Ross

You know what's not one-of-a-kind? A twin!