Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Chandler

Oh i love Tulsa, Tulsa is heaven,Tulsa is Italy, Please don't make me go there!

Chandler

You got a male nanny? You got a manny?

Chandler

How hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?"

Chandler

Honey? Leave it to the pros.

Chandler

Phones: bringing you closer to people...who have phones.

Chandler

Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.

Chandler

Well, if I were a guy...

Chandler

Wait. Did I just say "If I were a guy"?

Chandler

My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this, but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... it kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please?

Chandler

Have fun in church camp!

Monica

There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey

C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler

Alright Joey, be nice.

Chandler

[to Monica] So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe

Wait, does he eat chalk?

Phoebe

Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica

Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler

Sounds like a date to me.

Chandler

Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked.

Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler

Then I look down, and I realise there's a phone... there.

Joey

Instead of...?

Chandler

That's right.

Joey

Never had that dream.

Phoebe

No.

Chandler

All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Monica

They weren't looking at you before?

Chandler

Finally, I figure I better answer it. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very very weird, because- she never calls me!

Ross

[Enters, mortified] Hi.

Joey

This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica

Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross

I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler

Cookie?

Monica

[Explaining to others] Carol moved her stuff out today. [To Ross] Let me get you some coffee.

Ross

Oh no, no. Don't! Stop cleansing my aura.

Phoebe

But...

Ross

No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe

Fine... be murky.

Ross

I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica

No, you don't.

Ross

No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!

Joey

And you never knew she was a lesbian?

Ross

No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?

Chandler

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?

Ross

See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just-- I just-- I just want to be married again.

Chandler

And I just want a million dollars!.

[To Phoebe] Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe

Oh... I wish I could, but I don't want to.