Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

[Excited] Guess what?

You got a job?

Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.

Chandler

And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

S1 E1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)

Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off.

Chandler

Oh, how well you know me.

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[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit card]

Cut, cut, cut...

EEverybody

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

[cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...

Rachel, that was a library card.

[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts up her credit card]

Chandler

You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

S1 E1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)

[to Rachel] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.

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Chandler

I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Yeah, and -- and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that -- that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.

Chandler

You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.

Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Are we still talking about sex?

S1 E2 The One Sonogram at the End

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You're a twin?

Oh, yeah. We don't speak. She's, like, this...high-powered, driven, career type.

Chandler

What does she do?

She's a waitress.

S1 E2 The One Sonogram at the End

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There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler

Oh! Satan's minions at work again.

Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.

What are you talking about? Keep it!

It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!

Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

S1 E3 The One with the Thumb

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[Phoebe finds something in her can of soda.]

A thumb?

Ewwww!

I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.

Chandler

Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

S1 E3 The One with the Thumb

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It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler

We can? All right, I'm trying that.

You know what blows my mind? Women can see breast whenever they want, you just look down and they are there! How you get any work done is beyond me.

You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.

[Long Pause]

... Multiple Orgasms!

S1 E5 The One with the East German Laundry Detergent

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[Chandler and Phoebe both get ready to break up with their significant others.]

This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.

Chandler

It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

S1 E5 The One with the East German Laundry Detergent

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Chandler

You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.

JGJill Goodacre

[gives him a strange look and a stick of gum]

Chandler

[thinking] Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

S1 E7 The One with the Blackout

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Chandler

[after being told by everyone he makes a gay first impression even though he said "be vague about it"] So... what is it about me?

I don't know....You...you have a quality.

EEveryone

Yeah. Absolutely. A quality.

Chandler

Oh, oh, a quality! Good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

S1 E8 The One Where Nana Dies Twice

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Chandler

What is it about me? Is it my hair?

Yes, it's exactly that, Chandler. It's your hair.

You have homosexual hair.

S1 E8 The One Where Nana Dies Twice

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[complaining about her Thanksgiving] Did anyone ever give a hoot about what I wanted? NO, NO, NO, NO! And I'm just... [her voice gets very squeaky and high-pitched]

Chandler

Okay, Monica, only dogs can hear you now.

S1 E9 The One Where Underdog Gets Away

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Chandler

Do either of you have the keys?

The oven is on!

Oh, I've got to get my ticket!

Wait, wait, we have a copy of your keys.

Well then, get it, get it!

Hey, hey, that tone won't make me go any faster.

Joey.

That one will.

S1 E9 The One Where Underdog Gets Away

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Here's to a lousy Christmas.

And a crappy new year!

Chandler

Hear, hear!

S1 E9 The One Where Underdog Gets Away

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Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?

[They all hit her with pillows]

Gee, what? What is wrong with New Year's?

Chandler

Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud!

Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.