Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Phoebe

Well, the interview...

Chandler

What about it?

Phoebe

Y'know! You don't make a very good first impression.

Chandler

[shocked] What?!

Phoebe

Oh you don't know.

Chandler

Are you serious?!

Phoebe

Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh!

Chandler

What is it that I do?

Phoebe

Well it's just like you're trying too hard. Always making jokes, y'know, you just--You come off a little needy.

Chandler

[To Rachel] Did you like me when we first met?

Rachel

Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. [Gets up and hurries out]

Rachel

I wonder why Ross said that he died?

Monica

Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.

Chandler

He saw a therapist?

Monica

He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.

Rachel

Wow, what was it?

Monica

That I was going to eat him.

Monica

Why don't you sit down... get yourself comfortable... because I have a little surprise for you.

Chandler

Well, well, well. It must be five in Tulsa because it's "sex o'clock" in NYC!

Monica

Okay, this is how much I love you.

Chandler

Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?

Monica

Oh, is, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something... toothier?

Chandler

No, I'm just not sure that y-you got the right movie, that's all.

Monica

Oh. Well this is the only one they had at our video store. Oh, but they did have something called "Crocodile Killers"... or does it always have to be sharks?

Chandler

Does what always have to be sharks?

Monica

Honey! We-- look, we could do something else. D-Do you want me to get into the tub and... thrash?

Chandler

What's going on?

Monica

It's okay. It's okay, I still love you. Let me be a part of this.

Chandler

Let me be a part of this!

Monica

Well, you're different funny. You're more sarcastic and well, he does fits and impressions and limericks.

Chandler

I can do limericks. 'There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside!'

Chandler

No, no we're not together. We're not a couple- we're definitely not a couple.

Oh! Sorry.

Joey

Wow, you, uh, you seem pretty insulted by that. What, I'm not good enough for you?

Chandler

We're not gonna have this conversation again.

Chandler

All right, that's it!! This is our apartment and you can't behave this way! If you can't act your age, you shouldn't be here at all! Those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out, but they're important to Monica! And I want you to apologize to her right now!

Amy

I'm sorry.

Rachel

I'm so sorry!

Chandler

That's better! Now I want you to apologize to each other, and mean it!

Chandler

By the way, that fight was totally arousing!

Ross

[to Chandler] Well done! If I die, Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma!

Chandler

Really? Thanks!

Ross

So... now do I get Joey?

Chandler

Okay. But you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose!

Monica

Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.

Chandler

Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? [Monica looks at him strangely] I heard it!

Monica

So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?

Chandler

No, I sent everyone home.

Monica

You are such a good boss.

Chandler

Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.

Monica

Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.

Chandler

Well, yeah...

Joey

Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.

Monica

You're alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?

Chandler

Well... The second prettiest that year. If you count it now, she's probably the...

Rachel

Oh, Chandler, stop talking.

So, do you have any other questions about advertising?

Chandler

No, no, but - let me show you what I can do. [picks up a bagel and a donut] "Bagels and donuts: Round food... for every mood."

Monica warned me you might do that.

Ross

Ya, ho.. ya. OK, sure, look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?

Chandler

Sure, just gimme a second to get all huffy and weird like you. *harrumphing* Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do, I mean come on!

Chandler

Today is the 6th.

Monica

No. [Shows Chandler a calendar]

Chandler

Yes. It's also 2003.

Monica

That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!

Monica

[On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?

Rachel

No, why?

Monica

Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!

Rachel

[Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!

Monica

[Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]

Monica

[To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!

Joey

Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!

Monica

No, we weren't.

Joey

Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

Chandler

[Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.

Joey

Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]

Monica

You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!

Joey

Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.

No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.

Joey

Hey, I gotta. Unless...

Chandler

Unless what?

Joey

Unless you name your first-born child Joey.

Chandler

What? Why?

Joey

Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.

Chandler

Your family name is Tribbiani.

Joey

[Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

Chandler

And here, look, they've got these wheels that pop out the bottom so you can roll around. Apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!

Monica

Wow. Kids today have such an easier time getting fat.

Rachel

Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?

Joey

Because she is!

Monica

Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.

Joey

Mm-hmm! For your boob job!

It's over, Joe!

Joey

Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

Ross

I'm dead and no one cares.

Monica

I look like a man!

Chandler

Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.