Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Monica

We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. Does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] How about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel

[raising her hand] I have another idea!

Monica

Sorry, idea time is over!

Phoebe

Are all of the tickets in the bowl?

Monica

Yeah.

Chandler

What about the ones on the nightstand?

Monica

There are no tickets on the nightstand!

Chandler

Yes there are, I saw them a few minutes ago!

Monica

[uncomfortably] No you didn't! You must be mistaken!

Chandler

There were twenty tickets on the nightstand!

Monica

Chandler, sense the tone!

Rachel

Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]

Monica

Fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler!

Phoebe

[gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed!

Ross

I can't believe this! I thought we were all in this together!

Monica

You just got in five minutes ago!

Ross

Three! I don't know why that's important!

Joey

I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut! When did you get those?

Monica

When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey

[sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how!

Rachel

Suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and lose all your friends?

Monica

If I win the lottery you guys are not going to leave me! Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!

Rachel

Chandler, would you tell her that what she did was wrong?!

Chandler

[turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look as though I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles. So screw you, the tickets are ours!! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]

Monica

[jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]

Rachel

Believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from any of us!

Monica

Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!

Rachel

That's it! I want my share of the tickets!

Joey

[snatches the bowl from Rachel] I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf!

Ross

[snatches the bowl from Joey] I want mine too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!

Phoebe

[tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!

Monica

No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!!

Joey

If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea!! [snatches the bowl]

Chandler

Oh yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!!

Monica

[about Emma] How do you know she's gonna start talking?

Rachel

Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.

Chandler

Kind of like Joey...

Ross

Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.

Chandler

OK, how about this? [Picks up the remote control]

Ross

No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!

Chandler

Yes, but the batteries...

Chandler

Thank you, thank you very much!

Ross

Let's celebrate with some maple candy!

Chandler

No!

Ross

At least tell me where you hid it.

Chandler

I got you something from Vermont! [Sits down at the table]

Monica

[Without looking up from what she's doing] Besides tampons and salt? [;;Then looks] Ooh! My...! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. [Opens the box] That's weird... it's empty!

Ross

[Sounds excited] Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out... or... ? [Looks around the room nervously] do you... do you guys hear a buzzing?

Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know. So keep having sex on a regular basis.

Chandler

[sarcastically] Oh, dammit!

Monica

Don't worry; after a while, you'll tune it out.

Ross

I may get to speak at this Paleontology conversion, and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.

Chandler

I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff, and/or are sick.

Ross

It's in Barbados.

Chandler

But you come first!

Rachel

I'm there.

Monica

David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.

Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion.

Monica

[To Chandler] See?

Chandler

Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".

Monica

Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.

Chandler

[Smiling cheekily] I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" [Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats] "I do".

Monica

Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.

Chandler

David is going to propose to Phoebe.

Monica

What? [Looks very shocked] Why?

Chandler

Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.

Monica

Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?

Chandler

I did! A penis one!

Chandler

[wins at ping pong] I never sucked. I just didn't want you to know how good I was.

Monica

Why?

Chandler

I don't know.

Monica

This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments.

Chandler

That's why.

Chandler

Now that I've untangled you, how about you do something for me?

Monica

What do you have in mind?

Chandler

I think you know.

Monica

I really don't feel like it!

Chandler

This is what I want to do.

Monica

All right! I just don't see why you like it so much!

Chandler

[holding up 'Miss Congeniality' tape] She's an FBI agent posing as a beauty contestant!

Chandler

She's turning on the TV, it's Miss Congeniality!.

Monica

Babe, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well.

Chandler

Wow, so tonight might be the night. You nervous?

Joey

Nah. This is the part I'm actually good at.

Chandler

What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?

Joey

It's okay!

Rachel

Ross, don't forget to take a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge.

Ross

Sure.

Rachel

[to Monica] You're going to love this cake! I got from from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's!

Monica

That place has the creamiest frosting! I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid!

Rachel

Well, they make make these great novelty cakes in different shapes; and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing!

Monica

Did you do a picture of Emma?

Rachel

On a cake shaped like a bunny!

Ross

Does this bakery by any chance bake erotic cakes, for bachelorette parties?

Rachel

What are you talking? -OH, MY...! They put my baby's face on a penis!

Phoebe

Now it's a party!

Rachel

This is not funny! If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!

Joey

Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?

Judy

Jack, look at this!

Jack

I know what you're thinking! The resemblance is uncanny!

Ross

[angry] I am THIS close to tugging on my testicles again!!

Rachel

[on the phone] No, this is NOT what I ordered! I drove to New Jersey to get my daughter a cake for her birthday and I need a bunny cake right now!

Ross

Ask them if it would be faster to cut the baby's face off the penis and put it on the bunny. [to himself] That is a weird sentence.

Rachel

[on the phone with the bakery] Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back. I don't even want it in my home... JOEY, DON'T TOUCH IT!

Joey

I'm so confused!

Rachel

I still want my daughter's face on a cake, but a bunny cake! Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!

Chandler

To be fair, this one does have nuts.

Ross

While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma?

Chandler

Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?

Joey

Finished my recommendation, and I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I've ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.

Chandler

I don't... understand

Joey

Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?

Monica

It doesn't make any sense.

Joey

Of course it does. It's smart. I used a thesaurus.

Chandler

On every word?

Joey

Yep!

Monica

What was this sentence originally?

Joey

Oh, "They're warm, nice people with big hearts."

Chandler

And that became, "They're humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."

Joey

And hey, I really mean it, dude.

Monica

Uh, Joey, I don't think we can use this.

Joey

Why not?

Monica

Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo" Tribbiani.