Father Dougal quotes from Father Ted, page 8 ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Ardal O'Hanlon

2nd most-quoted character in Father Ted: in 115 of its 281 quotes
Most scenes with: Father Ted (80), Father Jack (7), Bishop Brennan (7)

Scenes with Father Dougal 93

Father Jack

They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...

Father Dougal

He's right, Ted.

S3 Night of the Nearly Dead

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Dougal

Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something!

Ted

No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.

Dougal

What, the anti-Santa?!

S3 Going to America

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Dougal

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Father Ted

This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America.

Dougal

America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shot-gun. How'd he manage to survive that?

Ted

He didn't, Dougal... he died.

Dougal

Oh right.

[Final Lines]

S3 Going to America

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(Ted, Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle are standing in the check-in queue at the airport)

Dougal

(genuinely excited) You know Ted, all my life I've dreamed about something really special happening to me, and now it is! I think this is the greatest moment of my life!

Mrs Doyle

(her head popping up behind Dougal) Me too!

Father Jack

BIG BRAS!

S3 Going to America

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[Final Lines]

Ted

Night, Dougal.

Dougal

Night, Ted.

S3 Going to America

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Dougal

Ted, could you pass me my record collection?

Ted

Okay, here it is. (Passes him a single record.) Oh, and Dougal, you need more than one record for a collection. What you have is a record.

Song for Europe

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Dougal

I've got Eurosong fever, Ted.

Ted

Yeah?

Dougal

Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now?

Father Ted

Half past one.

Dougal

Half one?! And the competition is on in...

Father Ted

May.

Song for Europe

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Father Dougal

[Intensely] Let's do it!

Father Ted

[Soothing] Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun.

[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]

Father Ted

[Tense] Just play the [beep!]ing note!

Father Dougal

The first one?

Father Ted

[Exploding] No not the [beep!]ing first one! The [beep!]ing first one's already [beep!]ing down! Just play the [beep!]ing note you were [beep!]ing playing earlier! I've been playing the [beep!]ing first one! We have the [beep!]ing first one!

Song for Europe

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(Ted is having a pleasant dream when Dougal wakes him up)

Dougal

[Excitedly] Ted! Ted!

Ted

[startled] Wah! What?! What?!

Dougal

[holding out a bag of peanuts] Would you like a peanut?

Ted

A peanut? You woke me up to offer me a peanut?! God, Dougal!

Dougal

Sorry Ted.

Ted

Go to bed!

(Ted falls asleep and starts dreaming again. He is running terrified down a hill, being chased by giant peanuts)

A Christmassy Ted

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Mrs. Doyle

Father, while you were out for your walk, we had a phone call. I think you were supposed to do a funeral today...

Father Ted

[horrified] The funeral! I completely forgot all about it!

Mrs. Doyle

It's alright! Father McGuire said he'd do it.

Father Ted

[calming down] That's ok so... [realises what she said and panics] DOUGAL'S DOING A FUNERAL! YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL!

[cut to a cemetery, where the hearse is sticking out of the open grave, and on fire, with the coffin propped up against it. Paramedics help the funeralgoers to safety, while a soot-faced undertaker glares at Dougal]

Dougal

Sorry about that.

[the hearse explodes in a massive fireball]

A Christmassy Ted

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