“Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse” quotes from Father Ted

Father Ted

Ah come on now, lads!

Quetzacoatl, the Volcano God is angry! We must appease his wrath!

Father Ted

Volcano God, what nonsense! Look, I'll ask again, will you not give Catholicism another try?

Nah, it wouldn't really catch on here. And sure, we don't agree with the Pope's line on artificial contraception; it's the 90s, for God's sake! [they throw Ted in]

Father Ted

I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.

Bishop Brennan

Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!

Dougal

Oh right. (pause) Well done.

Father Ted

Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?

Dougal

Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.

Mrs. Doyle

Shall I make the beds in the spare room?

[sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!

Mrs. Doyle

OK so... would you like a cup of tea?

[sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst.

Mrs. Doyle

[uncertain] Ok so...

Father Ted

[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...

Mrs. Doyle

Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?

[still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.

Mrs. Doyle

[looks confusedly at Father Ted]

Father Ted

[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.

Mrs. Doyle

[very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?

[exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]

Mrs. Doyle

[takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]

Bishop Brennan

Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?

Father Jack

Arse biscuits!

What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!

Father Jack

[in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.

Father Ted

[addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.

Bishop Brennan

HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! [bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone] Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! [hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him] What're ye looking at, huh!?

Bishop Brennan

[angry] What brings me here, well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that enormous pile of sludge?! But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!

Father Ted

[to Father Jack, scaring him] FECK OFF!!

Bishop Brennan

Alright, Crilly, I’ll make this short. Show me the likeness and I'll be off. I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the pope.

Dougal

I love those programmes. Have you seen the one with Elton John?

Bishop Brennan

SHUT UP!

Mrs Doyle

Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper?

He locked me in here! Oh God... The smell!

Mrs Doyle

Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there?

Of course I'm uncomfortable! I want to get out..."

Mrs Doyle

[thinks for a few moments, before coming to a conclusion] Okay so! [leaves]

Where are you going? HELP ME!