“Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep” · Season 3
In this episode: Father Ted (6), Father Dougal (2), Father Jack (1), Mrs Doyle (1)
Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow. (laughs simperingly)
I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)
Mrs Doyle (suddenly serious): Yes.
Father Ted (taken aback): What?
Yes, we do have some sheep tea.
Oh. Well... you'd better... give him some of that, then.
Mrs Doyle (overjoyed): Okay so!
Indiscernible audience member at the competition (whenever something shocking is revealed): Fuckin' hell!
Should I call the police, Father?
No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep.
"God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep..."
"I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now."
"Why?"
"Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"
"DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist!"
"Right Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist."
"The Phantom of the Opera DOESN'T exist!"
"If there's one place he can be absolutely assured of peace and quiet..."
AH, FECK! [Father Jack falls down the stairs shouting] Feck, feck, feck, feck, feck!
"I think it would be an insult to you if I were to finish that sentence."
Father Crilley! Hello there!
Fargo! (nods towards Chris the sheep) How's the champ?
Ah he's great. Few quid on him this year Father?
I put the entire annual heating allowance on him to win.
If he doesn't win... what does that mean Father?
Well... we won't have any heating. But if the rest of the year stays as warm as the summer, we're laughing!
(Hud and Giant are having a practiced conversation in front of Chris the sheep, knowing that the animal is listening to them)
Have you heard of this creature going around terrorizing animals on the island?
No! Tell me more.
They say it's as big as a jaguar.
The car?
No, the big cat thing. And its face is nothing but big white teeth as sharp as knives.
Has it killed yet?
No, but it's only a matter of time.
Hope it doesn't attack me and my sheep.
Not even a man's sheep is safe.
Oh dear.
(The camera moves to a close up of Chris the Sheep's face)
Oooohhhh... (ie worrying sound)
Oooohhhh...
Oooohhhh...
(Worrying sounds from Hud and Giant continue)
(Dougal is listening to a BBC sound effects record while Ted reads the paper)
I think people will soon give up listening to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead.
You know, from what I hear the charts today, I'm not sure if that's happening already!
(confused) What?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
