Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
“Are You Right There, Father Ted?” · Season 3
In this episode: Father Ted (8), Father Dougal (3)
CICraggy Island Farmer
I hear you're a racist now, father.
Look at that! A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window!
But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads.
I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas...priests... More drink! (All cheer)
FSFather Seamus Fitzpatrick
YOU LIAR! You broke all the plates and then you said "Ah, I am so tired! I never had to wash up plates when I was in the Wehrmacht!
[Father Fitzpatrick and his Nazi friend take two valium]
FSFather Seamus Fitzpatrick
Wait, these aren't Valium! These are the cyanide pills we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool, that's asking for trouble!
NVNazi Veteran
Oh, shut up!
FSFather Seamus Fitzpatrick
You shut up! We've only got fifteen seconds to live!
Dougal, look.
(Dougal gives Ted a lampshade that he is holding. Ted puts it on his head and proceeds to do an offensive impression of a Chinese person)
I am Chinese, if you please!
Come on, Dougal, lighten up! [Chuckles]
(Ted turns around, and sees a family of Chinese people watching through the window. He is horrified, and takes the lampshade off of his head.)
[pointing at the window] Dougal, there were Chinese people there!
All right, yeah.
I mean, what... what...
That's the Yin family. They're living over there in that old Chinatown area.
Chinatown area?! There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island?! Dougal, I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was gonna be a Chinaman there to see me doing a Chinaman impression!
Why not, Ted?
Because... Because it's racist! They'll think I'm a racist! I'm gonna have to catch up with them and explain I'm not a racist!
(cut to Ted stood in front of the Yin family's car, with the engine revving)
And basically, if I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time, I get this thing called "fat eyes." [the car drives around Ted and speeds away] I hope you don't think it was of a racist nature! Thanks now, see you, bye!
CColm
Hello there, Father!
Ah, hello Colm! Out and about?
CColm
Yeah. Same as yourself.
Good, good!
CColm
I hear you're a racist now, Father!
Wha-what?
CColm
How'd you get interested in that type of thing?
Who said I'm a racist?!
CColm
Everyone's saying it, Father! Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the Church has taken on this?
No! No-
CColm
Only, the farm takes up most of the day, and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself full-time to the old racism.
CMrs. Carberry
Good for you, Father!
What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry!
CMrs. Carberry
Good for you, Father! Well someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! Coming over here, taking and our jobs and our women, and acting like they own the feckin' place! Well done Father! Good for you! Good for you! I'd like to feckin'... [slipping and sliding on the muddy ground] Feckin' Greeks!
CColm
It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after!
I AM NOT AFTER THE CHINESE!
CMrs. Carberry
I don't care who he gets as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness!
LOOK, WE ARE NOT HAVING A GO AT ANYBODY! I AM NOT A RACIST, ALL RIGHT?! God!
CMrs. Carberry
FECKIN' GREEKS!
[...]
CColm
How's Mary?
CMrs. Carberry
She's fine, she got that job after all.
CColm
Great!
SYSean Yin
Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap. But the free drink, very much appreciated! Thank you Father Crilly!
Yes well, I just wanted to clear things up; I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas... priests... More drink!
AAll
Hooray!
[...]
To China!
AAll
Hooray!
SYSean Yin
To Craggy Island!
AAll
Hooray!
More drink!
AAll
Hooray!
BBartender
I'm sorry, the bar's closed.
AAll
Hooray!
Tell you what, how about everybody goes back to my place for a drink?
AAll
Hooray!
Wait, I need to go to the toilet first!
AAll
Hooray!
[After unwittingly bringing the Chinese back to a Parochial House full of Nazi memorabilia]
...I can explain everything! [beat] Actually, no, I can't.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.