There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island.
“Escape from Victory” · Season 3
In this episode: Father Ted (7), Father Dougal (5), Mrs Doyle (1)
Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?
No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.
Last year, Dick made me photocopy my own rear end. They never let me in that library again.
God, Ted. D'you remember that fella who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?
So there's...no way he'll be able to play?
FNFather Niall
No. No, he's dead.
FDFather Dick Byrne
[on the phone] I am going to win again, Ted!
Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!?
[Dick hangs up. At the same time, an ice cream jingle plays from outside. Ted goes to the window and (presumably) sees Dick outside]
DAMN YOU, FATHER DICK BYRNE!
More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal.
(hesitantly, while watching football and reading from the book "Understnding football for women") Go on... my son.
Got the forfeit, Ted!
Oh God...
Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.
All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!
Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...
What is it!? Break it to me gently!
All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...
What?
You have to...
What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!
Dougal, I don't want you to be physio this year. I want you to... look after the corner flags.
Oh God, Ted, for a second there I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.