Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

Bishop Brennan

Right, now I think it would be best thing would be for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside of my jurisdiction! Huh?! Now Ted, I thought that you might like to go to America, hm? What part, do you think?

Father Ted

Well, um...Las Vegas?

Bishop Brennan

Oh, I'm sorry I’m sorry, did I meant South America. Oh look, see, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never been able to find the right man to bring them together in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, are the man!

Father Ted

[discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!

Bishop Brennan

No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?

Father Ted

No.

Bishop Brennan

Well not to worry, not to worry. It'll come to you. (laughs softly before facing Dougal) Now, Dougal, over to you. Isn’t it funny, how, some of these places in the Philippines can keep on going without a proper sewerage system, hm?

Father Dougal

I’m right there, your Honour.

Bishop Brennan

Now, Jack, where are we gonna send you, huh? Jack, wake up!

Father Ted

Bishop, I wouldn't do that!

Bishop Brennan

You shut up. Jack! Wake up!

Father Jack

[Suddenly, Jack opened his right eye, revealing his cataracted eye before violently punches Bishop Brennan in the face] FECK OFF!

Bishop Brennan

(Now shocked and angry, along with a severe nosebleed in his nostrils) I got you all, Jack! I got you! Oh, my God! If you think this place is bad, wait ‘til you see your new parish! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE!!! (He storms off)

God, this reminds me of Vietnam.

Father Ted

Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?

Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.

Henry Sellers

Oh what a shower of bastards!

Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink?

Father Ted

I didn't know this would happen!

That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted!

Father Ted

How was I supposed to know?

Henry Sellers

Sack me!, Sack me! I made the BBC! (sobs) I made it!

Father Ted

Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better?

Henry Sellers

Get away from me, priest!

Father Ted

Perhaps it's time to go to bed!

Father Ted

(After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway!

Henry Sellers

Do you want a fight?!

Henry Sellers

Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags!

Father Ted

Absolutely!

Henry Sellers

Made my life a bloody misery!

Father Ted

Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps!

Henry Sellers

Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (smashes through window)

Father Dougal

It's true what they say isn't it you should never meet your heroes you'll only be disappointed!

Henry Sellers

Oh well, since I didn't humiliate myself too much last time, I might as well have a glass of champagne. Cheers!

Father Ted

Henry, no!

Henry Sellers

Mmm! Don't worry, Father. Sure, if I can't celebrate tonight, then when can I, the bastards! What the hell is going on here, how dare they do this to me?! How dare they sack me! I'm Henry Sellers! I'm Henry Sellers!

Father Ted

Well, there he goes again.

Father Dougal

You're right there, Ted.

Father Ted

Never mind, we can look for him in the morning.

Father Ted

[annoyed] I'll just have to go as Mother Teresa again! [sits down]

Father Jack

Who are you supposed to be?

Father Ted

Elvis. I'm Elvis.

Father Jack

I'm Elvis.

Father Ted

I know you're Elvis, Father, we're all Elvis. That's the problem!

(Dressed in blackface and drag as Diana Ross) Five pounds Ted. (hands Ted money)

Father Ted

(Smiles) Hard luck Dick.

(Dressed in blackface and drag as one of The Supremes) Did we not win Dick?

Father Ted

(Mocking) "No we didn't win Cyril!". This year the trophy goes to Craggy Island!

Father Ted

Never mind. I give you every chance of winning next year.

Do you really Ted?

Father Ted

NOOOOO!

Come on Cyril, let's go home.

(enters the room drunk and muttering) Where's the fecking whiskey?

Plenty of whiskey at home father!

Father Dougal

That Cyril McDuff's an awful eejit isn't he Ted?

Father Ted

(as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot) Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya?

Tom

No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Father Ted

Anyway the thing is I might not be able to say this evening's Mass.

Sister Assumpta

(aggressively) What Father?

Father Ted

I have something quite important to do.

Sister Assumpta

Not more important than saying Mass Father?

Father Ted

It's just. Someone I know is dying.

Sister Assumpta

Oh dear. Is it serious?

Why is it always the good ones? You BASTARD! (shakes fist to Heaven) He could've been Pope! No no no, he's dead Ted awww we'll never see him again!

Father Ted

We'll see him in the next world.

Oh yeah, sure!!

Father Ted

It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive.

Father Dougal

Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?

Father Ted

Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that...

Father Dougal

Ah, you would. They use very bad language.

Father Ted

Effin' this and effin' that...

Father Dougal

Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu...

Father Ted

Now, Dougal!

Father Dougal

Ted do you believe in the afterlife?

Father Ted

Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.

Father Dougal

Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!

Father Ted

Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?

Father Ted

[quoting The Dead] "It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight. It's probably falling all over the island; on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and headstones, upon all the living and the dead..."

Father Jack

SHUT THE FECK UP!

That's wonderful. I'll just go and freshen up.

Father Ted

Ah no she's probably just going to the toilet.

Father Dougal

Ah, nuns are great though Ted. It's good because you don't feel as nervous with them as you do with real women do you?

Father Ted

Ah you're right there.

Father Dougal

Even though I only got the courage to talk to her a few minutes ago, it's nice to have a nun around. It gives the place a bit of glamour!

Father Ted

"A woman's touch" (nods head)

Why him, Ted? Why is it always the good ones? You bastard! [shakes fist to Heaven]

Father Ted

Now, Father!

He could have been pope, Ted! But the feckin' Jesuits, they have it all tied up!

Father Ted

Yes...

Imagine, Ted! A Polish pope! It should have been Jack! But it's not what you know, is it? It's who you know!

Father Ted

Ah, it's sad, but sure look at him there; he looks quite serene.

OH, GOD! NO, NO, NO, NO!! HE'S DEAD, TED! WE'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN! [continues sobbing]

Father Ted

We'll see him in the next world.

(sarcastically) Oh yeah, sure!