Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

Father Dougal

Ted, I'm so sorry. It was just a joke.

Father Ted

Try to avoid doing that again Dougal. I thought it was really... Herself. It's the last thing I need!

Father Dougal

You're right there Ted.

Father Dougal

You're not coming yourself?

Father Ted

(Evasively) No, I think I'll stay here and... pray for a while.

Father Dougal

What are you after Ted?

Father Ted

You're supposed to be taking Father Jack for his walk!

Father Dougal

Well, um, the cliffs were closed for the rest of the day.

Father Ted

How would cliffs be closed Dougal?

Father Dougal

Okay, no, it wasn't that. They were gone!

Father Ted

(disbelieving) The cliffs were gone? How can they just disappear?

Father Dougal

Erosion.

Father Dougal

Everyone else is here!

Father Ted

Dougal. You're a priest. You're supposed to show some decorum.

Father Dougal

(barely audible) I wish I wasn't a priest.

Father Ted

(shocked) What?

Father Dougal

I wish I wasn't a priest.

Father Ted

(motions towards father Jack in the wheelchair) Dougal! What if Jack heard you say that?

Father Dougal

He told me one time he doesn't even believe in God!

Father Ted

That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.

Father Dougal

Your brother is a doctor isn't he?

Father Ted

Yes he is.

Father Ted

Are you sure you won't have any tea Paul?

No, I'm fine.

Father Ted

Right. Would you like me to turn on the television?

No thanks. I'm fine.

Father Ted

Right

Father Ted

Have you seen Father Shortall at all recently?

No.

Father Ted

I was thinking what would he be? Would he be eighty now?

I suppose so.

Father Dougal

(curious about their new guest) Who is it Ted?

Father Ted

Now Dougal... don't over-react.

Father Dougal

Fair enough.

Father Ted

Right. (long pause). It's Father Stone.

Father Ted

Dougal, get up.

Father Dougal

(gets up) Whoah Ted. No, not him!

Father Ted

It's him all right.

Father Dougal

God almighty!

Father Ted

I know!

Father Dougal

Why didn't you tell him not to come Ted? You said you would! You promised after the last time!

Father Ted

I tried but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a moustache!

Father Ted

[As Jack is wheeled past on a gurney] There he is. What's today's emergency, Doctor?

We're not sure. I think it's a combination of Babycham and Harpic!

Father Ted

(praying at Father Stone's hospital bed) Please! I swear! I'll look after him for the rest of my days. Please, just do this one thing!

Father Ted

(prays again) Ah Come on! Please, please, I swear...

Father Ted

Paul! You're back! Oh Lord it's a miracle!

Father Ted

Paul, can get I you anything at all?

(looks over at Ted) No. I'm fine.

Father Ted

Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Bishop Brennan

Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Father Ted

Yes, but surely I'm alright.

Bishop Brennan

No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.

Father Ted

I don't know what happened to that money-!

Bishop Brennan

Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Father Ted

Yes, that was unfortunate!

Bishop Brennan

The amount of peoples' lives irreperably damaged!

Dougal

They were only nuns.

Bishop Brennan

Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!

Father Ted

Film? What film?

Bishop Brennan

This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this godforsaken dump!

Dougal'

Oh yes, that's right. Is it any good, do you know?

Bishop Brennan

I don't care if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

Father Ted

What do you mean?

Bishop Brennan

Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Dougal

Oh, thanks very much.

Bishop Brennan

Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Father Ted

Bishop, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Brennan

Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?

Father Ted

Down with this sort of thing!

Dougal

Careful now!

Dougal

Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?

Father Ted

That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Bishop Brennan

Right, now I think it would be best for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside my jurisdiction! Now Ted, I thought you might like to go to America. What part, do you reckon?

Father Ted

Um...Las Vegas?

Bishop Brennan

Oh, I'm sorry Ted, I meant South America. Ah, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never found the right man to bring them to gether in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, Ted, are the man!

Father Ted

[discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!

Bishop Brennan

No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?

[translated in voiceover] I think it was... the Reverend Green, with the knife, in the drawing room.

Father Ted

Ha, those Protestants. Up to no good as usual.

Bishop Brennan

Well, I hope you're not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself?

Father Jack

Feck off.

Bishop Brennan

What did you say?! [stands up]

Father Ted

Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Bishop Brennan

Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Father Ted

Yes, but surely I'm alright.

Bishop Brennan

No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.

Father Ted

I didn't know what happened to that money-!

Bishop Brennan

Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Father Ted

Yes, that was unfortunate!

Bishop Brennan

The amount of peoples' lives irreparably damaged!

Father Dougal

They were only nuns.

Bishop Brennan

Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!

Father Ted

Film? What film?

Bishop Brennan

This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing is showing on this godforsaken dump!

Father Dougal

Oh yes, that's right. Eh, is it any good, do you know?

Bishop Brennan

I don't care if it's any good or not; all I know is that we have to be seen to be making a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

Father Ted

What do you mean?

Bishop Brennan

Well, I know that normally you wouldn't be able to organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Father Dougal

Oh, thanks very much.

Bishop Brennan

Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Father Ted

Your Grace, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Brennan

Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some kind of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!? [storms out]

Father Dougal

Bye, now.