Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason quotes from Fanboy & Chum Chum

Kyle

You. Are not. A vampire. If you was born on yours, the sunlight might destroy you.

Kyle

Ow. I just got ash on my new trainers.

...And lastly, there was a misprint on today’s cafeteria menu. “Meat Larf” should read “Meat Lard”.

[alternating] Mr. Mufflin! Mr. Mufflin! Mr. Mufflin! Mr. Mufflin!

[sighs] Yes, Purple...Kid?

Fanboy

Which juice box goes best with meat larf?

Chum Chum

Red or white grape?

[grunts] If any people hold two of these back for another year, I'm gonna put in for very early retirement there cuz I wanna put in for very early retirement there. [receives note] What's this? Oh great, A new student. Well, where's he?

Kyle

From beyond the veil of dispose, comes with one happy person who's versed in ways of sorcerery, traveler of who the mystical realms of necromancy. Please tremble, and give it up for...Kyle, the Conjurer!!! And, scene.

Fanboy

So, a wizard, huh? Are you classically trained or self-taught?

Kyle

Well, actually, I attended the prestigious Milkweed Academy for Wizards, until I was unfairly expelled for turning one of my professors into raspberry flan. Delicious old fool. [licks lip] But one day, they will see the error of their ways, and I will return to assume my rightful place as the most powerful pre-teen wizard on the planet! [maniacal laughing that then stops with Fanboy and Chum Chum's laughs]

Fanboy

[thinking Kyle is pretending to be a wizard] Oh man, we are going to have so much fun together! Chum Chum and I love to play wizard.

Kyle

Okay, I'm not sure I made myself clear. I am a real wizard.

Fanboy

Yeaaaah, we're real wizards, too! And when we play ninjas... [strikes various ninja poses] We are real ninjas. And when we play spacemen... [He and Chum Chum pretend to be astronauts; in a robotic voice] We are real spacemen! [normal voice] I think we're on the same page here.

Kyle

Um, I'm not sure we are. Because you are a play wizard, whereas I am a real wizard. Are you... hearing the difference?

Fanboy

Okay, I heard the "play" part.

Kyle

He is NOT a WIZARD!

Fanboy

Uh, yes, I am.

Kyle

Very well. If you are a wizard, why don't you perform some magic?

Fanboy

I foresaw that you would ask that. Stand Back!

Kyle

Enough! I've had with you ninnies. It is about the other time for me to show you what a real wizard can do. [his wand gets taken] Huh? What?

No stick waving. You'll get this back at the other end of the other year.

Chum Chum

Where did Kyle go?

Fanboy

I guess he left. I probably shouldn't have been so awesome. [As neither of them see the griffon carrying Kyle away behind them] But I know how we'll make it up to him: We'll play wizards with him all day tomorrow! [He and Chum Chum walk away] He'll like that.

Kyle

[in the distance] NO, I WON'T!

[opens the door, horrified] Failed. [everyone stops and stares at him] YOU ALL FAILED!

[shocked and heartbroken] We failed?

You all got zeros! [at Kyle] uh, Except you, you got a 12.

Kyle

Thank you.

But that's impossible! We all used a robot's brain!

Chum Chum

Actually, it was Fanboy's brain.

[angrily] What?!

Chum Chum

Yeah, we left the robot brain at Oz's.

Kyle

You idiots! You had a robot brain?! Why not just put that into Fanboy?

Fanbot

[realizing his mistake] Huh, Um...I guess because then I wouldn't have the...robot claws?

Chum Chum

[jazz hands] Robot claws.

Fanbot

[meekly] Biddy-biddy?

[angrily] YOU. YOU COST ME MY BOUNCY HOUSE!!!

Chum Chum

Uh, Fanbot, I think we'd better roll.

Fanbot

Beep, boop, I agree! [launches out of the mob, but lands back in it on another side]

Chum Chum

Uh-oh.

Fanbot

It's a good thing I don't have human emotions, or I'd be very scared right now.

Chum Chum

Uh, Fanbot? I think you oiled yourself. [looks at the oil Fanbot leaked]

GET HIM!

[halts Yo and Duke in mid-air as they’re about to attack Fanbot] STOP!

Fanbot

Phew. Thanks, Mr. --

I get FIRST SHOT!

Chum Chum

FANBOT!

Fanbot

[as his head is detached and flies out] Chum Chum, my brain! Save my precious brain!

Chum Chum

OZ! OZ! HELP!

Oz

Hey, Chum Chum. How was the test?

Chum Chum

Not good. There's an angry mob after me, and they want Fanboy's head!

[repeatedly] We want the head!

Oz

Uh, I have some experience with angry mobs. I once led a run on the Frosty Mart during the Great Nacho Shortage of '97. So, allow me.

We want the head!

Kyle

How did that happen? [grunts, notices mob] This isn't good.

Fanboy

Today was supposed to be overcast. Curse you, channel 5 weather center. You've turned me to dust.

Kyle

You're not a vampire, and thank goodness. The very thought of an immortal fanboy is almost too much to bear.

Fanboy

[obliviously] Immortal. Ooh, I like the sound of that. I just wish I knew what it meant.

Kyle

It means that you live forever. Read a book sometime, Why don't you?

Fanboy

Hey Kyle, it's Pizza Day! Come play "pizza monkeys" with us!

Kyle

[with disdain] You two are "pizza monkeys"? What do you do? Throw your...pooperoni?

[hysterical laughter] Pooperoni!

Kyle

[sigh] I'm witty day after day, and this is what they laugh at?

Chum Chum

How does she expect us to eat this? It's burning my eyes just to look at it!

Kyle

You public school students are so soft. Why, at Milkweed Academy, I was once forced to consume a beaver stomach tartare in a swamp bilge ragout. This'll be like a spoonful of Turkish delight. [takes a spoonful, releasing a cloud of fart] Oh, my, I'm going to be unwell. [topples over]

Mrs. Cram

I hear it coming up, but I don't see it going down! START SLURPING!!!! IT'LL MAKE YOU BIG AND STRONG!!!!! [lifts Fanboy and Chum Chum's table and then drops it to the ground]

Kyle

Well, the rest of you can sit here and gawk at your goop. But I have on my possession, a very large compendium of spell and charms. [Kyle's necronomicon comes to life] Necronomicon, I need your help to make something disappear.

Ooh!

Kyle

Thanks ever so for the nummy-nummies. Now, I'm off to do some light reading whilst thy digest.[Mrs. Cram swipes Kyle's necronomicon]

Mrs. Cram

Gimme that! Doesn't feel light to me! [shakes Kyle's necronomicon]

No! No! Don't shake me! No, no!

Kyle

[nervously] Careful, that's a very delicate volume.

Oh dear! I think I'm going to... [Mrs. Cram faces the necronomicon to Kyle which pukes on him, Kyle then walks back to the table, head covered in glop, angry, and holding his necromicon] oh... It feels that I have gone through my entire table of contents.

Kyle

Hello!? Why would I want to spend any time at all with you snot-filled troll babies!?

'Cause you're my best friend! [both gasp, then growl at one another]

Kyle

Your...best friend? Really, I don't know what to say...I... I always assumed you despised me as much as I despised you.

Kyle

There, I have given you what-for!

Chum Chum

Nope, I moved.

Kyle

You didn't move!

Chum Chum

I'm too quick. You didn't see. But now, I chop your arm off! [wacks his ninja against Kyle's, making its left arm fall off]

Kyle

Huh? Oh. All right then. Perhaps you'll feel the force of both my parry and my thrust! [giggles while "attacking" Chum Chum's ninja] Oh, ho! I've cut you to the quick!

Chum Chum

Uh-uh! You bounced off my force field.

Kyle

[was about to do a victory dance, but stops] Force field? Ninjas don't have force fie --

Chum Chum

And then, I use my sonic ray to pretzel-ize your legs! ["Attacks" Kyle's ninja]

Kyle

Don't do that! Huh? [Looks at his ninja's legs in a bow] Oh.

Fanboy

Ooo, sonic turbo ninjas. [At Chum Chum] Did you use your mystical throwing cow? Here! [gives him a wooden cow]

Chum Chum

Ooo, good call. [throws the cow at Kyle's ninja, making its right arm fall off]

Kyle

[slightly irritated] So, we're going to play loosey-goosey with the rules, are we? Well, what do you think of this? [Takes Chum Chum's ninja, jumps on it, hits it against the door, then rips it in half. He then sighs] There! Taste of your own medicine. [falls to the floor and groans]

Chum Chum

Missed me!

Kyle

Huh?

Fanboy

And...your head explodes.

Kyle

GRR! YOU'RE CHEATERS! CHARLATANS! WITH YOUR -- MADE-UP RULES AND YOUR -- AIRBORNE LIVESTOCK?!? I CALL SHENANIGANS!!!