Joe Swanson quotes from Family Guy

Joe

[shows off a parrot] I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful?

Peter

[to the parrot] Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple!

Cripple!

Joe

DAMN IT!

Diane

Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day.

Tom

That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts.

We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.

Joe

All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies.

Quagmire

What the hell was that about, who were those guys!?

Joe

I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend.

Peter

You think they were following us?

Joe

Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.

Quagmire

Aw, Joe, that's so dumb.

Joe

Whoa! Quahog looks beautiful from up here!

Quagmire

Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. [loses his smile] Feels like... something I was kinda meant to fly, y'know?

Peter

Hey, there's Quahog Harbor!

Joe

Look at all those old naval vessels!

Quagmire

Yeah... look at them all... [suddenly, he starts taking the plane to fly downward]

Peter

Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doin'?

Quagmire

I dunno, Peter. It feels like... something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins... [lowers the lever to take the plane down faster, scaring the crap out of Joe and Peter]

Joe

[scared] QUAGMIRE, WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?

Peter

[also scared] WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS!?

Quagmire

Shut up, round eye! [makes the plane do barrel rolls]

Peter

OH MY GOD, STOP, QUAGMIRE, I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!

Joe

PLEASE DON'T KILL US!!!

Quagmire

帝国空軍の誇りと名誉、俺の先祖のために俺は逝くぞ！万歳！！！ (I DO THIS FOR THE HONOR OF THE IMPERIAL AIR FORCE AND FOR MY HONORABLE ANCESTORS; BANZAI!)

Peter

OH GOD!!!

Joe

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Quagmire

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS IN MY COUNTRY!?

WHAT!?

Quagmire

PAYBACK!

Peter

What the hell was that!?

Quagmire

PRANK'S ON YOU, (censored)! I'm not Japanese!

Peter

You're not?

Quagmire

No! THAT WAS FOR MAKING ME HAVE SEX WITH JOE, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!

Peter

[turns to Joe, surprised] You guys actually had sex?

Joe

Yeah, I kinda went rouge with that one.

Meg

Mr. Swanson, can I ask you a personal question? What is it like having a disability?

Joe

Well, it isn't easy. But it's like we handicapped say: "When life gives you lemons, make leg-o-nade.

Meg

I guess I can relate to that. I mean, sometimes it's really hard being me, so when life gives me lemons, I guess I just make Meg-o-nade.

Joe

That sounds disgusting.

Joe

[singing] Good morning, USA! I’ve got a feeling that it’s gonna be a wonderful day! The sun and and the sky has a smile on it’s face! And she’s shining the solute to the American race! Oh boy, it’s swell to say “Good Morning, USA!

Good Morning, USA!

Quagmire

Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard. He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too. God, I wish she'd never met Jeffery Fecalman.

Peter

You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?

Quagmire

What?

Peter

That's his name?

Quagmire

Yeah.

Peter

Huh-larious. But you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

Joe

Boy, that'd be satisfying.

Quagmire

Well, why not?

Peter

What do you mean?

Quagmire

The three of us, we go over there and we do what's right. We kill the bastard.

Joe

Woah, woah, Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that.

Peter

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.

I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.

You're about to have a neat day.

Joe

Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder.

Quagmire

No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change! Y-You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways and clean up their act? NO! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without them!

Joe

It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. [hears Brenda screaming in fear, the three look out the window].

Jeff

WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I WAS GOING TO GET A BEER?!

Oh yeah, I'm sorry honey. I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.

Jeff

WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU BITCH!

I'm so sorry!

Jeff

HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams as Jeff hits her].

Joe

Let's waste this dick.

Joe

Okay, let's pick teams; I'll be a captain and, uh... Mayor West, you could be the captain.

West

All right, I pick you.

Joe

You can't pick me, I'm a captain.

West

No-one ever stood up for me like that before; I respected him thereon out.

That's a great story, Grampa.

I didn't like it.

West

None of my grand children have ever disliked one of my stories before; from then on, he was my favorite.

Well. I don't like that story, Great-Grampa. [West stands up, and electrocutes the boy who disintegrates into dust]

West

[breaks fourth wall] Future old people are wizards.

Peter

Oh, thank God. Cops.

Joe

Oh, good. You guys can still catch Briggs! He's headed that way!

We're not here for him. [the two officers draw their pistols] We're here for you guys.

You're under arrest for interfering with a police investigation.

Joe

What?!

Peter

[as Cop #2 handcuffs him and Quagmire] Yeah, what the hell? You should be arresting the real criminals, like switchblade welding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like normal people talk!

Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig?

Joe

Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor: don't get married.

Quagmire

I wasn't gonna.

Joe

Good. Don't.

Quagmire

[Impatiently] I said I wasn't!

Joe

Good. Don't.

Quagmire

Joe, you telling me not to does not affect me whatsoever. I will not get married.

Joe

[Defiantly] Perfect. ...don't.

Joe

Quagmire, you should never meet one of those sex operators.

Quagmire

[Impatiently] Yeah that's what I said... I wouldn't do it!

Joe

Good. Don't.

Quagmire

[Angrily] J-Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I already am not doing! I know I should never meet one of those sex operators ever!

Joe

Good. Don't.

Quagmire

Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?

Peter

Yeah, it said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps.

[while throwing the passengers off the plane] Get off my plane! Get off my plane! Get off my plane!

Peter

Oh look, he even brought Calista Flockhart with him.

Joe

Uh, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper.

Peter

Good, cuz she looks fat.

[throws Peter out the plane] Get off my plane! [throws Quagmire out the plane] Get off my plane! [throws Joe off his wheelchair and out the plane] Get off my plane!

Peter

[in a deep voice] I even won a deep voice contest with Joe.

Joe

[in a deep voice] I heard you coming.

Peter

I made myself heard.

Joe

Where have you come from?

Peter

I've come from where I've been.

Joe

You still riding with that mangy polecat, Fletcher?

Peter

Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun in the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road.

Winner!

Joe

Quagmire, are you in there?!

Peter

Oh, he's eating. [shouts at the door] We'll come back when you're done eating!

Peter

Now this is a gun without safety. [shoots Quagmire, who screams in pain] Quite the difference, huh?

Quagmire

[angrily] DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME!

Joe

Oh, my God! Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you've ever done!

Peter

No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of whup-ass.

Peter

Lois, why did you buy this?!

Lois

It was on sale.