All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again.
[after realizing what he just told Quagmire] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture."
You better hand me the gun, Peter.
[sternly] No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.
But just the fact that I would make the offer is so meaningful to you...
Your offer means nothing, Peter. The only thing that means anything to me is a bullet in your arm. Now give me that!
Stop! Stop! Quagmire, let go!
Come on! You're not leaving here without being shot!
Look, I was trying to do the decent thing, like you'd see in a movie!
I'm putting that bullet in your arm, Peter!
[gets shot in the arm] Ah! Son of a bitch!
JoeIt's over. We're all friends again.
Joe
I'm just trying to settle this nonsense.
Nothing got settled! You shot him! I'm the one who has to shoot him!
Wait a second, then I get to shoot Joe! Alright, he shot me! If we're doing things fair here, then- [gets shot in the head and falls]
Wassup?! [The Cleveland Show theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]
[normally] Oh, hey, Cleveland!
Joe
Hi!
Wait, don't you have a show to do...[chuckles] Oh wait, that's right!
Alright, I knew this was comin'! Everybody, gimme your best shot!
Oh, my G - where do I even begin? You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Joe
Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.
We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!
This is good. This is constructive.
The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlene quit voicing him after Season 2.
It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.
[laughs] It worked out okay in movie form!
Joe
What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?
Yeah, here's four seasons' worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. You know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time - these have jokes in 'em.
I...I don't have a DVD player.
Remember how everyone liked that video of the monkey performing a sex act on that frog at the zoo?
Joe
You mean that frog?
Joe
The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox.
[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to Bon Jovi's You Give Love A Bad Name while a group of male monkeys looks on]
[filming on his phone] Bingo.
Joe
[with a worried expression] I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes.
CCounselor
Peter, when is Lois' birthday?
Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday?
CCounselor
Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?
Joe
Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food.
CCounselor
Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes?
Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question?
[Quagmire is arguing with the other guys about the name of a song]
Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.
[Cleveland samples the song]
It says "Around the World", by Daft Punk."
Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.
Hey, Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone?
Joe
I am not an idiot.
I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names.
Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?
I don't know. Be my guest.
[Peter farts into it]
[Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe are locked in the attic for hours]
Joe
Peter, I'm going crazy up here.
We all are. You gotta talk to Lois.
Damn it, you're right. [yells through hatch] Lois, let us out of here!
No way! You like it so much?! Then you can rot up there with your buddies!
Lois, so help me God, if you don't let us out right this second, I'm gonna take a dump on your wedding dress!
Don't test me. I'll do it! We'll all do it! Quagmire, pull down your pants!
What I'm not doing with that?!
You leave my dress alone, Peter!
If we'll don't get us out of here, I'll make a doodie on it.
I've been crowning for 6 hours!
Cleveland's pants are off, Lois! Here come mine! This is happening!
Lois, they're not bluffing! Open the door!
Joe
I miss Bonnie!
Damn it, Peter, you hold that in! I know you can you did it on the ferry to Block Island!
Oh my God, I'm gonna puke!
That's good! Puke on the dress! Puke on the dress!
[angry sighs] Dammit! [she goes into the bathroom ablnd grabs a towel holder off, while Meg sits on the toilet]
MMan (over headphones)
Not all snake bites are lethal.
[Lois pries the attic door open, dumping Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire onto the floor]
You were too late. We pooed on the gown.
Joe
Ripped a big hole in your ceiling, too.
I barfed on Peter's ass. I-I don't know if it got on the dress or not, Lois, but I-I am...I am so sorry.
Yeah, this was all a huge disaster.
[inhales] Let's just agree that we both went a bit too far, hmm?
I might need 2 weeks off from this friendship...
Joe
I have to confiscate your license and you're gonna have to walk home.
But can't you at least just give me a ride?
Joe
No can do, Amigo.
Alright, I guess I'll just call an Uber.
[Brian calls an Uber and Joe's phone rings]
Joe
Are you Brian?
Joe
Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.
That's what they got you doing down there?
Joe
Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.
You buy special cheese for a gerbil?
Joe
Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.
Joe
It may not sound exciting, but I play an important role. I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee-pee.
So, you're just erasing cop wieners all day?
Joe
Eh, not erasing. Sort of cutting them together into a funny montage, we watch on birthdays.
Joe
Hey, you guys ever check Zillow?
Joe, who don't you shut the...
[Peter puts his arm on Quagmire's chest]
Tell me more about this silly word.
Joe
Bonnie's sister is married to a real show-off.
[cutaway to Bonnie's sister visiting]
Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.
[Wendell enters, being a man with ALS]
Joe
Wendell.
Joe
It's just Joe, I think you know that.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
