Lois Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Now this is a gun without safety. [shoots Quagmire, who screams in pain] Quite the difference, huh?

Quagmire

[angrily] DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME!

Joe

Oh, my God! Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you've ever done!

No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of whup-ass.

[Cutaway to Peter opening said can. An arm pops out and repeatedly punches Peter in the face]

Lois, why did you buy this?!

Lois

It was on sale.

S12 Brian's a Bad Father

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[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]

AAngela

So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross.

Lois

[under his breath] You do everything gross.

S12 Mom's the Word

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[Peter receives a package that's addressed to Quagmire]

Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin".

Lois

Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door.

Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans?

Lois

Do not open that box!

S12 Herpe the Love Sore

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Wow. I haven't felt this powerful since I got to decide which ant lives and which ant dies.

[in a cutaway, Peter is doing a game called "God With Ants"]

You shall battle to the death, and the winner will be given his freedom! Why are you looking at me like that?

Lois

Peter, would you like a glass of-- [sees a decapitated Peter with a bloodied neck] OH, MY GOD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY GOD WITH THOSE ANTS!

S12 Herpe the Love Sore

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Lois

What's wrong with you, Peter?!

Lois, I'm sorry.

Lois

How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?!

Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean.

Lois

[Angry] Oh no, I'm not! You're an idiot!

[Hurt] You don't mean that...

[Stewie looks at Facebook on his phone] I already got a Facebook friend request from the Dad. Is that weird?

Lois

Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today, you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park, and that's something only an idiot would do!

[Lois storms off with Stewie leaving Peter upset]

I'm not an idiot!

[There's a knock on the door and Peter opens it to find a man with one eye]

OEOne-eyed Man

Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. [he gives Peter his eye back]

S12 The Most Interesting Man in the World

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[after Brian got sprayed by a skunk; He is trying to bath himself with cans of tomato juice.]

Hey, guys, I-I think the tomato juice is really working. Don't you?

No. You smell like my six-foot-tall German girlfriend.

GWGerman Woman

Christopher, are you ready to go to the Guttenschvartzen?

Hell, da! She can swim across the pool in two strokes.

[A German woman picks Chris up and leaves.]

Wh... I don't know what else to do.

Lois

[sternly] I do. [throws Brian out of the house] Until the smell wears off, you're staying outside!

Outside?! Lois, I'm an inside dog! I'm an inside dog!

Lois

I'm sorry, Brian, but you stink. [closes door while leaving]

S12 Meg Stinks!

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PCPeter and Chris

Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!

What is that? What's happening?

PCPeter and Chris

[carrying mattresses] Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!

Peter, what are you doing?

Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship.

Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00.

What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"?

Two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it.

Stop explaining it to the dog! Let's do this!

[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]

Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program!

Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked!

Where?

[whacks Chris with his mattress] You creep.

[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it, much to Stewie's dismay]

[gasp] No!

Lois

Peter, what's going on in...

[whacks Lois with his mattress] Unga-Bunga!

[becomes angry] You... You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house!

Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.

I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red with anger as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! [cries, throws himself on the ground and starts throwing his tantrum]

Lois

Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] OW! Screw you, ya little turd!

[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]

Meg

[enters the living room] What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset] Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? [picks Stewie up and is headbutted] OW!

Lois

[puts Stewie in bed after he is out of control] You've earned yourself a time-out, young man. [turns the light off] Now, you stay in here until you can behave. [slams the door and leaves]

I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish I was never born! [sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet] Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset.

S12 Chap Stewie

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[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]

Lois, what the fuck did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn!

Lois

WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall.

That wasn't me! It must've been one of the kids!

Lois

That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs!

[In a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]

Well, you know what? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right!

Lois

Well, maybe I don't wanna live with someone who doesn't respect me!

Well then, maybe I should just leave!

Lois

And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else!

S12 Chap Stewie

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Lois

Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.

MMarge

And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.

S13 The Simpsons Guy

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Homer

Alright Peter. If we're gonna find your car, we've got to think like a car. So let's fill up at that gas station.

[Cut to the two getting wasted after trying to "fill up" by drinking gasoline.]

I feel sick...

Homer

Keep drinking! I prepaid 40 bucks!

H-Homer Maybe we're doing this wrong.

[They see a woman using a gas pump to fuel a car. They realize.]

Oh crap.

[They begin to take off their pants. Cut to a Germany adult store named Video Erötich.]

Lois

Haben Sie Homer und Peter mit Chevron pump? (Have you got Homer and Peter with the Chevron pump?)

[Clerk points to a shelf of porn videos which is revealed to be "Gassensexen" Starring Homer and Peter.]

S13 The Simpsons Guy

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Lois

Was someone wearing my new high heels?

You dick.

S13 The Book of Joe

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Lois

Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs?

Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.

S13 The 2000-Year-Old Virgin

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Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended.

What lesson?

Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation.

Lois

Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.

Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done...

Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.

Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas.

S13 The 2000-Year-Old Virgin

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Heil Hooters!

Lois

Whoa!

Careful, it might be a "booby-trap".

S13 Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure

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Meg

All right. See you later.

Lois

Where are you off to?

Meg

Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him.

[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]

[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois] Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective.

Lois

Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your ears off?