Mom, I need a check for the school field trip.
LoisJeez, Meg, didn't I just take you on a field trip?
[Cutaway to Peter taking Meg to a "field trip" by walking her to a field, who has the Blindfold on.]
[takes off the Blindfold] Ok, here's a field. Goodbye forever! [Gets into the car and attempts to drive off without her only to end up driving RIGHT into the tree.] AAAHHH!!! MEG! I'M INJURED! PLEASE HELP ME! I SMELL GAS! [Car explodes and bursts into flames.] MEG, I'M STILL ALIVE, BUT I'M BADLY BURNED! COME SAVE MY LIFE AND NURSE ME BACK TO HEALTH! OH, GOD, WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPENED TO GOOD PEOPLE!?
[Peter takes Lois golfing]
Lois
So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond?
No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
Lois
But you hit it into the water.
[exasperated] I know I hit it into the water.
Lois
But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there?
[enraged] BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! [growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]
Lois
Look! It went further than your ball!
TATV Announcer
We now return to yet another Indiana Jones movie.
IJIndiana Jones
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
SSnake
Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?
Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm?
Lois
Brian, are you feeling all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly)
Lois
Oh, my God!
Oh, Lois, your dog threw up.
Meg, Brian's not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet.
Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night.
Good start. Keep it up, snack pack.
(chuckles) (retching loudly)
Lois
Peter, you got to take him now!
Help, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line.
Lois
I don't know. L...Let's just keep it new for a few weeks.
A few weeks?! Come on, you know I'm terrible at waiting for things.
[Cut to Peter watching TV]
MOMan on TV
We'll be right back with more Laverne & Shirley.
Lois
Oh, my God! Peter, come look at the newspaper! "Jan Itter dead".
Lois
Right here, my college roommate, Jan Itter. She passed away yesterday.
A-are we seriously doing this? Because I didn't get like, any sleep last night.
Lois
What are you freaking out about? You didn't even know her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. [leaves the kitchen]
Lois
You and the guys killed and buried a man?!
Aah! I knew you would find out!
Lois
Find out about what? I just got David Sedaris's new book: "You and the Guys Killed and Buried a Man".
Okay, I am seriously on edge, and this thing we're doing, I'm not happy about it, and that's a very odd title for a humorist book!
Lois
Peter, you're acting weird. Just go to the other room.
I don't wanna go to the other room! I wanna stay here and see what you're seeing 'cause you're saying things that are different than what they are!
Lois
Peter, you're gonna have a heart attack. I won't say anything else. I'll let you relax.
Lois
[to Peter, walking by with a black wig and carrying brown paint] What are you doin'?
Lois, to show I'm in touch with what it's like to be African-American, I am gonna go to the middle of the town square, get naked and paint myself brown.
Lois
No, no. That's offensive. You can't pretend to be black. That's a stupid idea.
Lois
[enraged] It's a stupid idea! You're a stupid man! [Furiously rolls her magazine and starts beating Peter with it] A stupid, stupid man!
Ow, you're hurting me! Stop it! Stop it, Lois!
Lois
No! I'm so sick of your crap! Why do you always do these stupid things?! And why do you always announce them to me BEFORE YOU DO THEM?! ARE YOU TRYIN' TO GET A RISE OUTTA ME?! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!
[sobbingly] No, no, it's not what l want! It's not what I want! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[Chris and Meg see this on the stairs]
It's never been this bad before. What do we do?
[They take off their hats and start taking off their hair]
I'm in charge of my head, that much l know!
[Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe are locked in the attic for hours]
Peter, I'm going crazy up here.
We all are. You gotta talk to Lois.
Damn it, you're right. [yells through hatch] Lois, let us out of here!
Lois
No way! You like it so much?! Then you can rot up there with your buddies!
Lois, so help me God, if you don't let us out right this second, I'm gonna take a dump on your wedding dress!
Lois
You wouldn't dare!
Don't test me. I'll do it! We'll all do it! Quagmire, pull down your pants!
What I'm not doing with that?!
Lois
You leave my dress alone, Peter!
If we'll don't get us out of here, I'll make a doodie on it.
I've been crowning for 6 hours!
Cleveland's pants are off, Lois! Here come mine! This is happening!
Lois, they're not bluffing! Open the door!
Lois
Damn it, Peter, you hold that in! I know you can you did it on the ferry to Block Island!
Oh my God, I'm gonna puke!
That's good! Puke on the dress! Puke on the dress!
Lois
[angry sighs] Dammit! [she goes into the bathroom ablnd grabs a towel holder off, while Meg sits on the toilet]
MMan (over headphones)
Not all snake bites are lethal.
[Lois pries the attic door open, dumping Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire onto the floor]
Lois
There! You happy!?
You were too late. We pooed on the gown.
Ripped a big hole in your ceiling, too.
I barfed on Peter's ass. I-I don't know if it got on the dress or not, Lois, but I-I am...I am so sorry.
Yeah, this was all a huge disaster.
Lois
[inhales] Let's just agree that we both went a bit too far, hmm?
I might need 2 weeks off from this friendship...
You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Lois
Yeah, Cool.
Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Yeah? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap soon, you unemployed butt-munch!
Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
SHUT UP, you unemployed butt-munch!
Okay, he found a burn he likes.
[after Lois walks in on Brian and Stewie watching the director's cut of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which features Willy Wonka as a pedophile]
Lois
What did he say? Brian, this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby.
"Not appropriate"? You took me to see Magic Mike XXL.
[cutaway to Lois holding Stewie while trying to find a movie theater seat]
Lois
Huh, this one's wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: This one too. [walks to another seat]: Also wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: Huh, this one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it is wet.
AAnnouncer
Step right up. Everybody take a chance on Whack-A-Big Pussy.
[Chris is seen playing Whack-A-Big Pussy, which is a game with Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero from The Sopranos]
This is not what I thought it was! RAAAAGH!
[Chris gets angry and starts smashing the game]
Lois
Oh my God, Chris is out of control!
I know. It must be all the violence in movies and sex on TV.
Lois
Ohhhh!
[The Who Else But Quagmire Guy comes up]
Oh, hey, it's that guy! Are you gonna say, Who else but Quagmire?
WEWho Else But Quagmire Guy
Uh, no, I, uh, wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening.
Uh, of course not, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife so I figure, you know, who else but Quagmire?
Lois
Hey, awesome for you.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
