LoisI'm glad you finally agreed to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.
I wish I hadn't. I can't see anything now. This is terrible.
Lois
Well, that... That's why the whole family came to support you.
Oh, really? Oh, wow. That's so kind. Who's there?
Lois
Oh, uh, ... Well, as you know. I'm here.
Lois
Uh, Stewie and Brian.
Hey, hope you feel better soon.
That doesn't sound like the whole family.
Lois
[imitating Peter] Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, Pop. It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.
Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.
Lois
[mimicking Chris] I'm here too, Grandpa. [as herself] And, uh, and Meg went down to ... To put money in the meter.
Lois, is the president stronger than a king-- [sees Larry and Lois] WHAT THE HELL?!
Lois
Peter! Look, calm down. We're just friends, he's just giving me a friendly massage.
Lois
Yeah, and what do you care? When is the last time, you did anything nice for me?
I ate that gross pasta you made!
LLarry
I might as well just tell you, Peter. I'm in love with Lois. I knew it, the moment we kissed.
Kissed?! [to Lois] Is that true?
Lois
Yes, Peter. But, I--
YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [Peter begins to fight Larry]
Look, this-- this right here-- is exactly why I've been avoiding you. I knew you'd embarrass me in front of Stryker.
Who cares? He's just some dude.
He's not just some dude. He happens to be the cool friend I've ever had!
What are you talking about? We're cool.
Lois
Oh, yeah? Well, then why did those teenagers on the way in say, "Cool wheelchair, dick"?
Hey, look, Peter if you're so embarrassed by us and you think we're losers, well, then we don't want to hang out with you, either!
Good! Who needs you bums? I got Stryker!
Oh, yeah? Well, I hope you two are happy together, you jerk!
[Brian tries to apologize for his extremely racist tweet to an offended angry mob]
Hello. As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin.
[offscreen] Boo. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.
I want to read a few words.
Boo. Liar. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.
[still cuts off Brian] Boo. Apologize somewhere else. Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to apologize...
OMOffended Man
Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!
It's just... It's just a standard greeting. Let... Let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...
OWOffended Woman
Ooh, says the man!
Okay, sorry, I... I, um. Humans in the audience...
OBOffended Basketball
I identify as a basketball!
Humans and basketballs...
OPOffended Parrot
I'm a parrot who mimics, but doesn't comprehend them!
Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, and-and whatever else is out there...
OWOffended Woman
"Whatever"? It's whoever.
OOOther Offended Woman
Actually, it's whomever.
Offended Woman No one likes you, Mary!
[Everyone continues clamoring]
All right, all right, just-just calm down, okay?
[Everyone stops clamoring]
OWOffended Woman
Now you're tone policing us!
OMOffended Man
That makes me uncomfortable! Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 should be illegal!
[when no one lets him apologize] You know what? [crumples up and throws his apology away] Fuck you! [everyone gasps in horror] I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?", or "Are there bigger problems in this world than this tweet?" Well, I assure you there are! And just for the record, I love black people! I've watched tons of black porn! So what do you all want from me? Huh?! Do you wanna ruin my life?! Then congratulations, you did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me...
[from inside the house; offscreen] That was a problem before.
I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself, or that they're gonna kill my family! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS LIBERAL DOUCHEBAG, NOT YOU! I'VE KISSED A TRANSSEXUAL BEFORE! HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SAY THAT?! WHERE'S MY FUCKING MEDAL?! I AM SO FAR LEFT, I'M SPINNING IN CIRCLES, YOU SHITHEADS! INSTEAD OF KILLING MYSELF, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!
MMMob Man
I'd like to see you try.
[In slow-motion, the man approaches Brian, and punches him in the nose]
Ow! Geez... [he returns to the house, with all the people clamoring and throwing stuff] Well, we started the dialogue.
Lois
You screamed: "black porn" at the top of your lungs in front of women and children.
[Peter prepares to meet his end and says goodbye to the family]
If anything were to happen to me, Lois, I'll miss you more than Life...the cereal, but not the board game which I quite enjoy.
Lois
Ok.
And Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle...at Costco to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment.
[sarcastically] Thanks, Dad.
And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man...-loving twink.
Is anyone gonna stop him?
And Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated, I want you to always reach for the Stars...-ky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center. Sorry, you were the last one.
Lois
[offscreen] Well, I’m good.
[Brian chats with Jess]
JJess
Tell me about it. He called me a dick earlier. [slides one of her cups to Brian] I'm Jess.
Thanks! I'm Brian. Well Jess, bottoms up!
So this place... ah, worse than Syria, don't you think?
JJess
Yes! Everything about it is awful: the people, the music... [say it with Brian] if you can call it music.
Oh my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time!
Lois
Aaaaaaaaah!
JJess
[giggles] I like you, Brian! You say what's on your mind.
Hey, life's too short, right?
Lois
Oh, Meg. You have to babysit Stewie, Saturday.
Lois
Okay. Chris, you have to do it.
What? That's not fair. I have a party to go to.
Lois
Sorry, Meg found pictures on your father's computer and she's blackmailing us. She can do what she wants until we get some dirt on her.
I didn't know it was supposed to be hard before I took the picture.
Nobody yet helped me become a better kid. In fact, today, I’m gonna ask for—nay, OUCH—a raise.
Lois
"Nay"? Wow! *becomes super intense* This new you is a bigger surprise than when they're making fun of a celebrity on The Reading Rainbow, and the real life celebrity walks in behind them!!!
[cutaway to Peter and Lois watching TV in the living room]
Lois
Oh-ho-ho, boy, they're really socking it to the celebrity. LEVAR!!!!
[laughing] Yeah, can you imagine how mad the celebrity would be? I mean, wherever they are at this particular moment, if they're watching, they must be…
[Peter and Lois gasp in shock]
Lois
[laughing excitedly] That's the actual celebrity walking up right behind them!
He… he's catching 'em right in the act! The… the SNL actor doesn’t know! Oh, he's gonna get in trouble! Look how mad the actual celebrity is! He's folding his arms and frowning!
Lois
[pats Peter's shoulder] He tapped the SNL actor on the shoulder!! [grabs Peter and shakes him] Look how surprised the SNL actor is!!
[shakes his legs excitedly] “AAAHHH, HE'S COMPLETELY BUSTED!!!”
Lois
[cackles maniacally] HA HA HA AH!
[Peter smashes his beer on the floor, then he and Lois proceed to throw and smash the living room declarations while hollering and hooting before Meg comes downstairs with a flamethrower]
Meg I WAS WATCHING UPSTAIRS ON HULU!!! [sets fire to the couch and throws it over]
[Brian crashes his Prius through the window, which sends him through the car's windshield onto its hood]
[holds up his phone] I SAW IT ON MY PHONE!!!
[Quagmire crashes his plane through the ceiling]
Family Guy · 775 quotes
