Lois Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lois

The internet pretty much only lets us fire white males, so if you're not a white male, you're safe.

Peter

So is Derek Jeter safe?

Safe! He's half black!

Lois

Okay, Go, Stewie! Ha!, Isn't this exciting?

Peter

Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick kneelin' durin' the National Anthem.

Peter

Boo! Get on your feet!

Peter

Boo! Down in front!

It's a meaningless event. Like a bar mitzvah.

Lois

It’s Lois.

Today, you are a man.

Great! Can I drive?

No.

Can I vote?

No.

Can I drink?

No.

Can I have sex?

No.

Can I cash the checks?

Yes!

I'd like to move on to having you all sign your contracts with God.

Lois

Contracts with God?

Yep, it's a written commitment, to forgo all alcohol, drugs, and self-pleasure.

Chris

...Yeah, I'm gonna have my lawyer look at this.

Romeo? Romeo? Oh, wherefore?

Stupid...

I don't understand. We had a plan! Did you think I was dead just because I faked my own death?! Maybe there's still poison on your lips. [kisses Romeo] Mm.. alas... just CostCo hotdog... Well, a boy I knew for three days is dead. And on top of that, WNBA season is over, and it's still two months till figure skating starts!

Lois

We're having people over! I just got off the phone with my mom and all the Pewterschmidts are coming here for Thanksgiving.

Peter

I can't believe you invited the whole family. You know I hate big Thanksgiving.

Lois

Don't worry, Peter. It's gonna be fun and I can handle most of the prep, myself. I just need you to go to the market and get some extra napkins.

Peter

That's not so bad.

Lois

Oh, and pick up some wine for the adults.

Peter

I can do that.

Lois

And put the extra leaf on the dining room table.

Peter

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Lois

Peter, I don't want to have to ground you! You're my husband, and I just don't want you to lie to me!

Peter

I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid!

Lois

Act like a man, and I'll stop treating you like a kid.

Peter

Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.

Lois

What?

Peter

Hey, buddy. What brings you around at this late hour with your uniform on and your hat held mournfully against your chest?

Joe

Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.

Lois

What?!

Peter

What are you talking about? Meg's right here.

Peter

You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.

Chris

Or when we rented that convertible.

Lois

[to Joe] How did this happen?!

Joe

She got in a car wreck, and was burned beyond recognition, and I leveled up on Fortnite this weekend, but you probably only care about the first two things.

Lois

Oh, dear God, no!

Joe

All we found was Meg's driver's license at the scene. It had her Quiznos punch card stuck to the back. Your little angel was one stamp away from a free sub, which only adds to this horrific tragedy. It's actually pretty impressive, because the card was only issued three days ago. Usually one of the guys would swipe a thing like this, use it on the way home, but I snagged it for ya. Thought Meg's family ought to be the ones to enjoy the free sandwich. Again, I'm very sorry.

you're watching CBS. The loudest channel on tv.

[The loudest channel Starts blowing the Griffins away.] PREVIOUSLY ON NCIS...

Peter

Ah, son of a bitch!

Chris

[with a bloody ear] DAD, IT HURTS!

Lois

I love you Peter!

Peter

[Now with a bloody nose] I'm Browning out. See you on the other side!

Lois

Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing. It's called a podcast. I guess it's like a radio show on your phone. Have you heard of these? Podcasts!

Meg

Yeah, mom. We know what podcasts are.

Lois

Huh. I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms. I have to let Bonnie know.

Bonnie

Wow! Really?!

Lois

You can't bring a cat to church!

Peter

Why not? He's cat-olic!

Peter

Lois, you're making this harder than it needs to be. Just get a former Batman and move on. I'm sure Val Kilmer could use the insurance.

Lois

Peter, we're not going to get a former Batman. That has been pitched every day since Adam West died and the response has been tepid at best.

Hey everyone, I have some news. I got a job writing for Quahog's top website, The Hog. Starting tomorrow, I'm an online journalist.

Peter

Isn't The Hog that stupid pop culture site with those lame quizzes telling you what character you are in a show?

Lois

Peter's mad cuz he always gets Barney Rubble.

Peter

If I was mad would I laugh like this? [laughs like Barney] I don't think so.

Lois

Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling in front of my children means only one thing, it's Christmas time!

Peter

Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the O in the Pornhub logo became a wreath.

Chris

Same.

Peter

[while bumping fists with Chris] Nice.

Lois

Chris, you've hardly touched your food.

Chris

Mom, are you a scientist?

Lois

No?

Chris

Then quit putting me under a damn microscope!