[deleted scene on DVD; Chris marches up to Quagmire, who is watering the lawn]
Hey, Chris, what's going on?
[furiously] I said GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS!! [starts yelling while beating Quagmire up with headbutting, kicking and punching, then knocks him to the ground and pounds him] It didn't have to be this way, Glenn! [takes Quagmire's car keys] You should've given me your keys. [gets in Quagmire's car and drives off]
Peter[enters the scene] Quagmire, what the hell happened to you?
Your damn kid just totally kicked my ass!
Peter
Meg did this?
No, you dummy, Chris! He came over here, beat the crap out of me and took my car!
Peter
Well, Chris is gonna get it, as soon as I get my hands on him.
[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
Peter
Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]
OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!
[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!
You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.
[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!
We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!
[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?
[Lois is sitting on the couch reading a book when Peter calls her from outside]
Peter
Lois, can you come out here for a second?
[Lois opens the door and sees Peter sitting on top of a giraffe]
Peter
Hey, Lois can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat?
Peter
Uh, this would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. With Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.
Peter I don't care what Mayor West has done, you can't just break the law.
Peter
Sure I can, I've been doing it all week.
Peter you take that thing back where it belongs immediately!
Peter
Alright, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?
[the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]
[from inside the house] Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get outta here!
[the giraffe runs backward, kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house. Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]
What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! [Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground] I gotta stop takin' my baths durin' Peter's shenanigans...
Peter
[realizing] Oh my god. Lois, You're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again!
[Cut to Peter Griffin sitting on a couch and lightning the bong to do crack.]
[Entering the living room] Peter, what are you doing?
Peter
Crack.
[furiously] What the fuck!?
Peter
Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
Peter
From Black's.
Peter
Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it.
Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you drink in the first place. Look - here, [hands Peter a paper] this is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.
Peter
[hesitantly] Alright, Brian...
[As soon Brian walks away, Peter Griffin resumes doing crack. Cut to Brian re-entering the living room later.]
Hey Peter, just thought I'd checked on you- [sees a stoned shirtless Peter now clutching to the couch cushion.] Oh my God!
Peter
GOV'MENT CAME AND TOOK MAH BAAAAABY!
Peter
Hey there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
KKyle
[mocking Peter] "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father!"
Peter
Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're makin' me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just wanted to let you know what you did the other day was wrong.
KKyle
"What you did the other day was wrong!"
Peter
You're not makin' this easy, Kyle.
KKyle
"You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face."
Peter
Shut up, Kyle.
KKyle
"I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts."
Peter
Kyle, I said shut up.
KKyle
You're a poop-nose.
[Peter loses his temper and beats up Kyle]
FFulcher
What are you doin' here?
Peter
I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm gonna beat ya, and then my son, Chris, is gonna beat ya. It's gonna be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.
Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him.
FFulcher
Yeah, I have MS.
Peter
Oh, ya hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's braggin' about it. Now you really got me mad.
[the horse barges in and stops Peter's execution]
Peter
Horsey! You saved my life!
HHorsey
[in Gilbert Gottfried's voice] No problem, Peter! Glad to help out.
Peter
Wow! Gilbert Gottfried!
Peter
Awesome!
Peter
Wai-wai-wai-wait, hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?
GCGiant Chicken
You know, I've completely forgotten.
Peter
Me too.
GCGiant Chicken
Something about a coupon...
Peter
I cannot, for the life of me, remember...
GCGiant Chicken
Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. I hope I didn't hurt you.
Peter
No, no, no. I'm alright.
GCGiant Chicken
But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner?
Peter
Well, that sounds lovely.
[Peter finishes telling the story]
Peter
The end!
[the lights come back on and the Griffins cheer]
Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!
Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter
Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter
Oh, really? Define decent.
I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter
Well, yeah, but double ten people is like, twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Who knows?
Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Peter
Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the REAL networks.
[chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter
And besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? What is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yaaay! Tune me in for that.
Oh, so you do know the show?
Peter
I read part of a review online. I'm not a fan.
[angrily] You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
[after Chris leaves, Peter sings the Star Wars theme, with the screen cutting to black afterwards]
So, Meg, any luck finding another job?
No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.
[cut to Meg on the couch, on the phone]
What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and we could watch House?
[cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone, revealing he's the caller]
Peter
All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. [hangs up]
Oh my God, that was so much fun!
You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot!
[Peter grabs Joe's gun, cocks it, then shoots himself in the mouth. The scene cuts to a close-up of Peter's face]
Peter
Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
It's the best show you're not watching!
I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.
[cutaway to Hitler juggling on a unicycle]
JJudge
Mr. Foreman, how say you?
FMr. Foreman
We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
Peter
Oh, no!
[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]
KAKool-Aid-Man
OH, YEAH! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]
JJudge
Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.
Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?
Peter
Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!
He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!
Peter
Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.
Peter
They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!
Peter
Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
MMcDonald
[sings] Well, I guess everything's back to normal!
Peter
Oh, man. Not this guy again!
MMcDonald
[sings] Oh, man, not this guy again!
[Peter farts]
Family Guy · 775 quotes
