[during Meg and Michael's date, Michael notices a familiar face]
MMichael
Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.
MMichael
Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kinda disguise.
[Meg turns around and notices Peter in a Chinese disguise]
[she and Michael approach Peter]
What do you think you're doing?!
Peter[Chinese accent] Peter? Who Peter?
I didn't say Peter. I said Dad!
Peter
[normally] Oh.
Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?!
Peter
Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny!
MMichael
Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship, I don't see how it can work out.
MMichael
I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you.
[he leaves]
Peter
See? Look, Meg. He just walked out on ya. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.
Look, Why don't you just talk to him? Ya might find out he's not so bad.
Peter
Alright, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me. And right now, it's telling me I have...
DVDeep Voice
INDIGESTION!
Peter
But, I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got...
WWoods
Not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.
Peter
Oh, come on!
You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.
[Peter takes his clothes off and hands them to Woods; he and Woods give Joe a confused look]
What? You don't all wear a poop sack? [angrily] DAMN IT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!
[Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]
LLetterman
Wait a minute. You're not James Woods.
Peter
Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
WWoods
[at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?
LLetterman
Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?
Peter
Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie comin' out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11th, 2000-Fun.
[the studio audience gasps]
WWoods
No, no, no, no, no!
LLetterman
James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Peter
Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane! And I go, "Come on"! You know, it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
LLetterman
James, I don't wanna hear anymore about this.
Peter
And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
WWoods
What?! I would never work with David Spade! That... dwarf! That... skinny chickenshit!
[Peter comes into the bar with the parrot on his shoulder]
Peter
Hey, guys, what's going on?
That thing don't bite, do it?
Peter
Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.
PParrot
Pick a lane, bitch!
Peter
Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
PParrot
I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle?
[Peter laughs]
PParrot
I had a gay experience at camp!
Peter
[uncomfortable] Uh, yeah, I had the radio on in the car and they were talking about some crazy stuff... So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?
Peter
You seem like a nice guy. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight?
Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.
Peter
Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.
[cut to said clip]
MMoviefone
Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
MMoviefone
I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
MMatlin
[impatiently] The Last Mimzy.
MMoviefone
You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.
MMoviefone
You have confirmed 300.
Peter
Ah! Aah! What is that?! What is that?! I feel somethin'!
It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.
Peter
I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared -[vomits on Brian]
Peter
Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
[When the spelling bee is over and Peter won]
Yeah, you're a smart fella', dad.
Peter
Yeah, you're a fart smella'!
Peter farts on Meg's face
Meg then after the fact is disgusted.
Peter
Come on, let's go home...
Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago! Did you get the beans?
Peter
Lois, I've got something better! Do you know how you've always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?
[gasps, touched] Oh, my God!
Peter
That's right, I've bought a horse!
[Peter sits in a doctor's office, undergoing a medical trial. The doctor fills a syringe with a black fluid.]
Peter
Okay, what's next?
DDoctor
This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't done anything funny.
[He injects Peter with the fluid. Peter immediately grows a beard and curly hair, à la Seth Rogen.]
Peter
[in Rogen's voice] Hey, doc, are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go out on this date.
DDoctor
[laughs] How charming and chubby! I'm rooting for you!
[Chris has lost his popularity after an embarrassing video of himself was released]
Peter Griffin
Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous.
I do, Dad. And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche.
Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.
Tell me what it was like, being one of them.
It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence as it envelops you and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.
Peter
You know somethin', Brian? I bet you'll make the late-night monologues.
[cut to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon]
FFallon
I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it my style".
[laughter; cut to The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson]
FFerguson
Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purses. But Lauren carries one... in her pants.
[laughter; cut to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno]
LLeno
Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. She gave that dog a bone, and... he gave it right back!
[laughter]
Family Guy · 775 quotes
