Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up.

Peter

Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood.

Are ya sure? [leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]

Peter

Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. [leaves]

[continues singing and dancing] Do the Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peter

[prays to Fonzie] Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign.

Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks.

Peter

[amazed] It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations.

Peter

Thanks, Regis.

Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.

Peter

Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.

Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.

Peter

Is it Alex Karras in Webster? [the whole puzzle is revealed]

(in the state of shock) I...don't...believe it.

Peter

Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

Peter

Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.

That's you.

Peter

Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

Lois

Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!

I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".

All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]

West

Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Lois

[taking a pregnancy test] Okay, 1 more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...

Peter

Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.

Peter

Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...

That's Street Fighter.

Peter

Red, blue, green...

Those are colors.

(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.

Lois

Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?

Meg

For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?

Lois

Chris, we all love your hat.

Chris

Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?

Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]

Peter

Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like.

[as a spiritual guide] Lois, I told you, it ain't safe!

Peter

I'll tell you what's not safe: Goin' huntin' with Dick Cheney.

Peter

So, y'all set to go huntin'? [Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]

Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

What the hell? How did you find me?

Peter

[shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses] I found this saw with glasses on it.

[takes the saw] Oh, that's my "See"-saw!

Peter

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fuckin' funny! You are so - Goddamn you for being so funny! [laughs again] Oh, my God!

Lois

Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?

Peter

They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.

Peter

The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for The Godfather.

Lois

What?!

Peter

Did not care for The Godfather.

Chris

How can you even say that?

Peter

Didn’t-didn’t like it.

Lois

Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie.

Peter

This is what everyone always says- everyone always says [imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]

Chris

Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, I mean- ROBERT DUVALL!

Peter

I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie.

Why not?

Peter

Couldn’t get into it.

Lois

Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it?

Peter

It insists upon itself, Lois.

Lois

What?

Peter

It insists upon itself.

Lois

What does that even mean?

Chris

‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent!

Peter

It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending.

Chris

You’ve never seen the ending?!

Stewie

Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance?

Lois

I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair.

Peter

I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs-

Lois

Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene.

Peter

I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest.

Chris

They’re speaking Italian!

Lois

The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand.

Peter

I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement.

Lois

Exactly.

Peter

Well, there ya go.

Lois

Whatever.

Chris

I like that movie, too.

Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?

Peter

Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.

Cleveland

Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.

Peter

Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!

Cleveland

Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!

Stewie

Did I miss my cue?

Peter

Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.

Chris

[nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.

Lois

[in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]

[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!

Peter, is there anything else you want to say?

Peter

Yeah, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts; everyone laughs]

Lois

[laughs] Oh, Peter!

Peter

Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]

Peter

That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. [farts again, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]

Lois

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?

Peter

[slowly] I was raped.

Peter

Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.

Lois

[chuckles harder] What? [Peter whispers in her ear; annoyed] Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.

Peter

You sound just like him! [runs off, sobbing]

Lois

Fuckin' idiot.

Cleveland

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.

Peter

Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday, and...he did things to my fanny! [accidentally knocks over his beer mug; crying]

Cleveland

[solemnly] Peter, it's okay.

Peter

It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!

Cleveland

You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.

Peter

[stops crying; shocked] He...he did it to you, too?

Quagmire

I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation!

Joe

You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!

Peter

My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here! I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter.

Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.

Joe

No!

Quagmire

Oh, we're just getting started!

Cleveland

Meg is my least favorite of all your children.

Peter

It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.

Cleveland

I'm that kind of drunk.

Peter

[throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!