Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Peter

You guys, what are you doing, watching TV? It's snowing.

Really?

Meg

Wow! It's so beautiful.

Peter

Isn't it? And you know what's a miracle, kids? Every single snowflake is exactly alike.

Chris

I don't think that's right.

Peter

No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.

I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.

Stewie

Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.

Peter

Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game, Talk to someone's wife in a bikini until they cover up uncomfortably. [to Bonnie] So, Bonnie. How are things going?

Bonnie

Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, [Peter stares at her breasts] what with Susie starting to... [covers up]

Peter

Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.

Quagmire

Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?

Peter

Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show [Quagmire stares at his breasts] called "Shipping Wars" and it's kind of...

Quagmire

Okay, bye.

Chris

I’m Joy.

Meg

I’m Sadness.

Stewie

I’m Anger.

Lois

I’m Disgust.

Peter

I’m Poo.

Oooh, I need to use the bathroom.

Lois

Peter, wh-what the hell are you doing with a pick-up truck?

Peter

Well, I don't know.

Peter

Uh, listen, Gronk, um, it's getting kind of late. Don't you think maybe it's time to call it a night?

Yeah, sure. Hey, have you ever seen a spikenard explode?

Peter

A what? A spikenard? Is that something on the Internet? 'Cause I...

Peter

AHH! Damn it! What the hell?!

[laughs] Dude, relax. I was just kidding.

Peter

You were kidding about what? What was the joke?

This was! [he slaps Peter in his groin again]

Peter

Oh, damn it! You hit the seam!

Peter

You know what? You're a jerk, Gronk! That's it. I'm gonna rid of that bastard. Just like how I kicked the British folks out of America.

Peter

This tyranny shall not stand! For without liberty...

Peter

Ah, crap! He's even in the cutaways! [groans in pain] Just cut to commercial. I'm gonna squat here and hold onto this bench.

[realizes Peter and his friends were getting rid of him] What's going on here? Are you guys trying to get rid of me?

Peter

Yeah, we are trying to get rid of you!

Why?

Peter

'Cause you're a pain in the ass to live next to! I mean, what the hell, Gronk? Why you gotta be like this! You're a *millionaire*! You have the sweetest job in the world, you can do whatever you want! Why do you gotta act like such an idiot all the time?

It's not a choice, Grover. Or rather, an obligation. You see, I'm been groomed for this my entire life. Scoring touchdowns, making people laugh, punishing my body... And in the name, all in the name of entertainment. Don't you understand? I'm a commodity. A product. A modern day gladiator. You ask about the why's and the therefore's behind the boorish fascade. The answer is simple: I play a jester because society deems it neccessary. [Peter and his friends stare at him in awe] Also, I'm fucking insane! Eat a butt, fatty! Gronk ain't going nowhere!

Peter

Uh, where's the slide?

Peter

Wow! Lemons! Oranges! Cherries! So juicy!

Peter

I don't think that was a Starburst. I think that may have just been acid.

Peter

Is it also acid?

My friend, I'm an adult who works at a water park. If I give you something, it's acid.

Peter

Lois, is the president stronger than a king-- [sees Larry and Lois] WHAT THE HELL?!

Lois

Peter! Look, calm down. We're just friends, he's just giving me a friendly massage.

Peter

A friendly massage?!

Lois

Yeah, and what do you care? When is the last time, you did anything nice for me?

Peter

I ate that gross pasta you made!

I might as well just tell you, Peter. I'm in love with Lois. I knew it, the moment we kissed.

Peter

Kissed?! [to Lois] Is that true?

Lois

Yes, Peter. But, I--

Peter

YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [Peter begins to fight Larry]

Peter

Family Guy has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one. I'm sick of it.

Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons. What did that give us? I'll tell you what it got us. More ink for The Simpsons.

Peter

Yeah. [reads newspapers] Simpsons plays down to competition, Simpsons step into the sewer, shame on you, Simpsons. [jealous] Those lucky bastards.

Peter

Look, this-- this right here-- is exactly why I've been avoiding you. I knew you'd embarrass me in front of Stryker.

Quagmire

Who cares? He's just some dude.

Peter

He's not just some dude. He happens to be the cool friend I've ever had!

Quagmire

What are you talking about? We're cool.

Peter

You are not cool.

Lois

Oh, yeah? Well, then why did those teenagers on the way in say, "Cool wheelchair, dick"?

Quagmire

Hey, look, Peter if you're so embarrassed by us and you think we're losers, well, then we don't want to hang out with you, either!

Peter

Good! Who needs you bums? I got Stryker!

Quagmire

Oh, yeah? Well, I hope you two are happy together, you jerk!

Stewie

Okay, Natalia, level with me. Why are you really here?

I have been sent to neutralize liberal jewish dissident Fievel Mousekewitz.

Stewie

Oh. Well, the only mouse in this neighborhood is our innocent neighbor, Frank Maxwell.

Comrade Mousekewitz! Did you think you could run forever?

I, uh, I think you've got the wrong mouse. I'm just regular old Frank Maxwell, and I'm very late for work! Good day, ma'am.

Stewie

Whoa! You killed him?

That was not me. Someone else got to him first.

[stomping out cigarette] Tough break, Jew mouse. Ha-ha!

Peter

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Under parody law, in order to use someone else's character in an unlicensed fashion, we have to provide something called "commentary." The commentary here is that Mickey Mouse hates Jews.

Peter

Oh, boy. Amber alert. Stewie was last seen with a goat in a 98 Toyota Tercel, heading north on I-95.

Carter

How do you turn those off, by the way?

Chris

Grandpa only gave me a dollar?

Peter

Chris, you write him a thank you note. That will is still wide open.

Welcome to McBurgertown, what can I get for you today?

Peter

Hmm, what's the easiest thing to eat in the car? I'll have the huevos rancheros and an orange soda without the cap.

Peter

So what do you do for fun around here? You got DirecTV?

We have Time Warner.

Peter

You got HBO?

We have Starz.

Peter

You got ESPN?

We have Fox Sports 1.

Peter

Does that come in HD?

420P.

Peter

You got--?

Everything you say, I say something a little bit worse.

Peter

You got Simpsons?

We have Family Guy.