[to Peter, walking by with a black wig and carrying brown paint] What are you doin'?
PeterLois, to show I'm in touch with what it's like to be African-American, I am gonna go to the middle of the town square, get naked and paint myself brown.
No, no. That's offensive. You can't pretend to be black. That's a stupid idea.
Peter
What?
[enraged] It's a stupid idea! You're a stupid man! [Furiously rolls her magazine and starts beating Peter with it] A stupid, stupid man!
Peter
Ow, you're hurting me! Stop it! Stop it, Lois!
No! I'm so sick of your crap! Why do you always do these stupid things?! And why do you always announce them to me BEFORE YOU DO THEM?! ARE YOU TRYIN' TO GET A RISE OUTTA ME?! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!
Peter
[sobbingly] No, no, it's not what l want! It's not what I want! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[Chris and Meg see this on the stairs]
It's never been this bad before. What do we do?
[They take off their hats and start taking off their hair]
I'm in charge of my head, that much l know!
[Peter leads the family in prayer]
Peter
Dear God, it's the Griffins. Again, we're very sorry we cyberbullied that girl to death, but we still want a snowmobile. Today though, please let there be money in our bank account. Amen.
Peter
Relax, Brian, Stewie's fine. I mean, look at him. He's happier than a sunny-side-up egg.
[cutaway to a sunny-side-up egg in a frying pan]
SSSunny-side-up egg
What a great way to start the day! What a pan! What a grill!
[the camera zooms out to reveal that the stove is very dirty and greasy, while a hand shakes too much salt onto the egg]
EEgg
Oh, no! I'm at Denny's!
DADrug addict
[offscreen] Hey, I'm a drug addict and it's midnight! Where's my breakfast?!
[the egg gets put on a plate with buttered toast and bacon]
EEgg
Help! He's only gonna eat the toast and put a cigarette out on me!
[Peter and Carter are having a boring time at the Griffin home]
Now what do you want to do?
Peter
Well, we could watch porn. Have you heard of porn? Is that something you're aware of?
[excited] You have postcards from France?
[Quagmire is arguing with the other guys about the name of a song]
Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.
[Cleveland samples the song]
It says "Around the World", by Daft Punk."
Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.
Peter
Hey, Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone?
I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names.
Peter
Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?
I don't know. Be my guest.
[Peter farts into it]
Peter
It says "Lana Del Rey."
Peter
[whistling after Brian] Come here, boy! Come on!
[happily wags his tail] Hey, what's up? Are we going for a ride in the car?
Peter
No, I had a question for you.
Don't EVER do that unless you have a car ride to offer!
[Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe are locked in the attic for hours]
Peter, I'm going crazy up here.
We all are. You gotta talk to Lois.
Peter
Damn it, you're right. [yells through hatch] Lois, let us out of here!
No way! You like it so much?! Then you can rot up there with your buddies!
Peter
Lois, so help me God, if you don't let us out right this second, I'm gonna take a dump on your wedding dress!
Peter
Don't test me. I'll do it! We'll all do it! Quagmire, pull down your pants!
What I'm not doing with that?!
You leave my dress alone, Peter!
If we'll don't get us out of here, I'll make a doodie on it.
I've been crowning for 6 hours!
Peter
Cleveland's pants are off, Lois! Here come mine! This is happening!
Lois, they're not bluffing! Open the door!
Damn it, Peter, you hold that in! I know you can you did it on the ferry to Block Island!
Oh my God, I'm gonna puke!
Peter
That's good! Puke on the dress! Puke on the dress!
[angry sighs] Dammit! [she goes into the bathroom ablnd grabs a towel holder off, while Meg sits on the toilet]
MMan (over headphones)
Not all snake bites are lethal.
[Lois pries the attic door open, dumping Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire onto the floor]
You were too late. We pooed on the gown.
Ripped a big hole in your ceiling, too.
I barfed on Peter's ass. I-I don't know if it got on the dress or not, Lois, but I-I am...I am so sorry.
Peter
Yeah, this was all a huge disaster.
[inhales] Let's just agree that we both went a bit too far, hmm?
I might need 2 weeks off from this friendship...
Peter
You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Yeah? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap soon, you unemployed butt-munch!
Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
SHUT UP, you unemployed butt-munch!
Okay, he found a burn he likes.
AAnnouncer
Step right up. Everybody take a chance on Whack-A-Big Pussy.
[Chris is seen playing Whack-A-Big Pussy, which is a game with Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero from The Sopranos]
This is not what I thought it was! RAAAAGH!
[Chris gets angry and starts smashing the game]
Oh my God, Chris is out of control!
Peter
I know. It must be all the violence in movies and sex on TV.
Peter
See, I listen!
[The Who Else But Quagmire Guy comes up]
Peter
Oh, hey, it's that guy! Are you gonna say, Who else but Quagmire?
WEWho Else But Quagmire Guy
Uh, no, I, uh, wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening.
Peter
Are you... Are you gay?
Uh, of course not, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife so I figure, you know, who else but Quagmire?
Family Guy · 775 quotes
