Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Peter

Oh, my God! I'm dead! How?!

You died from a fire started by your MILF on a shelf.

Peter

[after shaking hands with the Boo Berry mascot at the store] I've been touched by greatness! I am never washing this hand again! This is the best thing to happen to me since I became a wise-cracking, fourth-wall-breaking superhero! [cutaway to Peter on a highway, dressed in a blood-red mercenary outfit] Call me "Redstool." The treatment didn't give me powers, but it did spread cancer to my anus.

Just call me anus of the morning, anus/Just touch my cheek before you leave me, anus/This violence juxtaposed to music, anus/Decapitation in slow-motion, anus

[reads Peter's hat] USS Nathan James?

Peter

Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir.

The Nathan James is the fictitious ship on TNT's The Last Ship, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims.

...and Man.

Cleveland

Uh-oh.

Jerome

You guys would look after this place for me?

Peter

Of course, running a bar has always been my dream! Well, that, and waking up a rooster. [Cuts to Peter slowly sneaking up on a rooster sleeping on a fence] AARRRGH! [The rooster wakes up and falls off of the fence.] Enjoy the rest of your Saturday.

Remember, Peter. Never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.

Peter

What's that? Sorry, I was too busy taking a selfie while shooting a Snapchat while periscoping that Snapchat while Instagramming latte art while Shazaming the Weeknd while streaming Master of None retweeting George Takei while saying, "This wins the Internet!" while still being #sooobored. Hammer? Hammer? Come on, man. Don't make me look up from my phone.

Peter

If anything were to happen to me, Lois, I'll miss you more than Life...the cereal, but not the board game which I quite enjoy.

Lois

Ok.

Peter

And Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle...at Costco to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment.

Meg

[sarcastically] Thanks, Dad.

Peter

And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man...-loving twink.

Stewie

Is anyone gonna stop him?

Peter

And Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated, I want you to always reach for the Stars...-ky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center. Sorry, you were the last one.

What about me?

Peter

You're a dog.

Lois

[offscreen] Well, I’m good.

Peter

You lied to me! You said we were going to Baskin-Robbins!

Lois

I said we were going to bask in Robbin's glow.

Peter

[accusingly] You know what you did.

Lois

I do!

Peter

Nobody yet helped me become a better kid. In fact, today, I’m gonna ask for—nay, OUCH—a raise.

Lois

"Nay"? Wow! *becomes super intense* This new you is a bigger surprise than when they're making fun of a celebrity on The Reading Rainbow, and the real life celebrity walks in behind them!!!

Lois

Oh-ho-ho, boy, they're really socking it to the celebrity. LEVAR!!!!

Peter

[laughing] Yeah, can you imagine how mad the celebrity would be? I mean, wherever they are at this particular moment, if they're watching, they must be…

Lois

[laughing excitedly] That's the actual celebrity walking up right behind them!

Peter

He… he's catching 'em right in the act! The… the SNL actor doesn’t know! Oh, he's gonna get in trouble! Look how mad the actual celebrity is! He's folding his arms and frowning!

Lois

[pats Peter's shoulder] He tapped the SNL actor on the shoulder!! [grabs Peter and shakes him] Look how surprised the SNL actor is!!

Peter

[shakes his legs excitedly] “AAAHHH, HE'S COMPLETELY BUSTED!!!”

Lois

[cackles maniacally] HA HA HA AH!

[holds up his phone] I SAW IT ON MY PHONE!!!

Quagmire

MY PLANE HAS WI-FI!!!

Peter

Anyone can get mad, Chris. Even Shaquille O'Neal.

Excuse me, my flapjacks were supposed to have a Superman "S" on 'em.

Are you mad? I… I can't tell if you're mad.

Very mad. This is unacceptable. What's the point of having millions of dollars if everything can't be Superman?

Okay. Well, we'll fix it right away. Is there anything else I can get you?

Yes, a big ambulance. I am stuck in this booth.

Principal Shepherd

Parents of a failing student, say what?

Peter

What?

Lois

No, Peter, wait!

Principal Shepherd

Nope. Too late. He said it. I'm marking it. [Principal Shepherd goes to a chalkboard, where he gives himself a tally mark] Didn't get The Wus. They're very smart. Asian. Maybe they didn't understand me. I don't know.

Peter

Now, to start the mower, you grab this pull cord like so, and give it a nice hard yank.

Chris

Can I change my grip?

Peter

Wow, much better.

Chris

It's a more familiar motion.

Lois

But Peter, there's one thing I still don't get. Why did you take the massage job in the first place?

Peter

For you, Lois. [produces a fancy golden comb] I did it to earn enough money to buy a comb for your beautiful hair.

Lois

Oh Peter, didn't you know? [takes off her wig revealing her bald head] I *sold* my beautiful hair to buy you a bottle of massage oil.

Peter

[sarcastically] Great. So now I'm an unemployed masseuse with a bald wife. Merry fucking Christmas!

Peter

Okay, ha-hang on a second. If I'm not real, then why does a fat nerd pretend to be me at every Comic-Con?

Please, please don't mention him. It'll only encourage him.

Peter

Ugh. I can't believe you dragged me to The Flow. This is gonna suck.

Stewie

Oh, knock it off. It's not gonna be that bad. Besides, I couldn't leave you at home. The last time I did that, the kids walked in on you looking at internet corn.

Peter, that's your 50th bag. What could possibly be in there?

Peter

Oh, have you not heard?

Stewie

Brian, no!

Wait a minute, didn't we destroy that?

Peter

I glued it. Surfin' Bird, ahh, ahh, ahh, finds a way.